i don't care how much you love your family,
your friends,
that boy you can't stop thinking about,
that job that you kind of tolerate,
that project that fills your soul,

don't forget you need to be selfish
that you need to make your world revolve around yourself

you're not a saint for putting them all first, silently hoping for the same in return
you're not the victim for always saying you deserve more but giving yourself less
don't assume someone or something is going to prioritize you
it's a privilege so don't anticipate it like a right

when you give your everything
don't be surprised if it doesn't come back whole
expect whatever you hand off to potentially come back broken
be ok with it
let that be the expectation

sometimes there will be exceptions
when you can only give pieces
and someone gives you far more than you can reciprocate
and it'll be nice
maybe it'll feel like too much
but cherish it 
remember it's rare
​
so please don't forget you need to be selfish
that you need to make your world revolve around yourself

Just got back from Thanksgiving break in NorCal with Mama, Tyle & Anthony. Got to catch up with Joanna too.

I think I can really feel new inklings of acceptance and understanding in me. I don't know how to articulate it, and I don't know if I even care to try. I guess the best way to describe it is that things feel manageable now. I feel like there are longer pauses between an action and my reaction. Like I can catch my breath before the air around me gets too tight.

I feel loved. Not like I found love. But that I can feel the love that has been there all along. The love that I already earned. That people have been trying to get me to see all this time.

I'm not blinded by a delusional high, I'm grounded in the very real norm, and I'm learning that this can be enough.

i'm starting to realize that the point of life is to distract yourself to the point where you can't think about how it's all meaningless

I've been trying to pinpoint this loneliness, why I feel so jealous of others, and why I also feel so left out, abandoned, and rejected.

I guess deep down I want someone to take care of me, someone who is able to already take care of themself. I wish there was a healthy version of this that I could rely on. If someone could just sit with me and I would't feel pressured to prove or explain myself to them. The problem is that people who know how to take care of themselves know that it's a bad idea to allow someone like me to depend on them.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want someone to make me whole. I want to be able to handle myself.

I told Judy about all that's been going on with my family
she asked me if I felt relief
you know what?
​I do

I’m panicking so much this morning. I’m so exhausted with hating myself so much but it keeps on going. People say it’s just an emotion and it’ll eventually get better but the root issue is myself. I understand other people may get depressed out of the blue or have something severe happen to them to lead them to a low emotional point. But I feel like I’m just reacting to the culmination of everything I am. I get depressed remembering who I am and how much I don’t like most of it. I try to distract myself with going out and hanging around friends but I either feel worse or barely can ignore my feelings. My family loves me but they really can’t support me in the way I need because I don’t even know what I need. I feel so incredibly isolated. I feel too overwhelmed to function normally. I know how ridiculous all of this sounds because other people who have genuine hardship would kill to be in my external situation. I don’t know what to do because I really don’t believe I’m going to get better. All I know is that everything keeps feeling bad and I don’t blame anyone but me.

I had my second shroom trip yesterday, a week after my first one
2.3 grams lemon tek

It was an incredibly painful, but potentially necessary, trip. I won't be too detailed but I'll jot down main moments

• I went into the trip thinking I could break through my anxiety for good
• began incredibly frustrated because I didn't feel like it was working as well as the first time (no great elevation in mood, instead I felt a consistent heaviness in me with the physical world being slightly warped)
• sat down outside my room with mama and broke down declaring I felt like an ALIEN
• eventually went to mama's room and further broke down into suicidal hysterics, there I was in her bedroom surrounded by beautiful sunlight and rainbow reflections feeling like I wanted nothing more than to die, probably the blackest moment
• at some point I just kept saying "I don't want to think" because every instinctive thought pattern was just too painful and self-deprecating for me
• eventually I closed my eyes and accepted that maybe this was part of the trip and that I needed to give in and fight for myself
• I kept fighting my feelings of anxiety and told myself to hang in there, I felt a distinct physical heaviness in my heart on the left side, I kept imagining that if that heaviness was lifted there would be hope underneath
• eventually my mom went down to make cabbage soup
• I began to feel better, not lighter, just a lot more normal as the trip began to lessen
• I went down and walked out to the garden surrounded by fresh air, lush greenery, and a cotton candy sunset, it was beautiful and calm, I asked mama to come out and enjoy it briefly with me before it became completely dark
• later we finished the cabbage soup and watched Netflix together

Takeaways

• I think it's going to be a long time until I try mushrooms again, but this bad trip felt necessary
• ironically taking mushrooms is giving me the strength to attempt taking antidepressants again, but seriously now, mama is supporting me
• today I don't feel great but I feel more grounded and hopeful that the antidepressants are the answer

THIS SONG

Yesterday I tripped on mushrooms.
Mama was my tripsitter.

Wednesday night before

• stressful day with Papa freaking out
• cleaned my room with Mama
• educated Mama on shrooms/psychedelics (made a playlist, taught her about ego death, etc.)

Thursday
lemon tek 1:20

• made a lemon tek with 2.5 grams of shrooms
• didn't eat anything beforehand except a bit of pumpkin seeds around noon

comeup 1:40

• drank mixture and sat on my bed as Mama talked to me
• began to see faint patterns around my room, trying hard to not act like anything was happening
• 10-15 in, I decided to put on eye masks and lay down in bed

laying down

• I kept seeing cyclical patterns of random things
• I kept asking Jesus to help me be ok (kept associating him with fish and dinosaurs)
• I kept trying to focus on overcoming my feelings of anxiety and why I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in
• at one point Mama felt my ankle and asked if I was cold. I told her I was ok and she put the covers over me. I also realized my nose was stuffy so I asked for tissues. Blowing my nose was weird because all my actions became streched out. I could blow my nose and the next second it would feel like it happened a long time ago. I could also talk to Mama and barely be able to keep up long sentences.
• I continued thinking to myself, and at one point Mama went to the bathroom. Close sounds (her closing/opening doors) seemed far away. I realized with her gone, I felt comfortable thinking my thoughts outloud/speaking to myself. When she came back, I asked her to leave me alone and told her I was ok (kept reassuring her this was a good thing).
• At one point, I started feeling the need to go pee. I think this may have been where I went wrong. I removed the blindfold first and began to look around my room. Space and time felt disorienting, kind of like the scene from Trainspotting where he was trying to come off his drug addiction. I wasn't seeing anything that wasn't there, but I could get stuck and fascinated looking at anything mundane. I drank water a few times and kept blowing my nose. Each action felt so stretched out; I had to narrate to myself what I was doing. I forgot about needing to pee for a bit. The whole time I was talking to myself, trying to reassure myself that I was ok, and holding on to the clarity in my thought. 
• I realized felt no anxiety and depression at a point. I was pure bliss. I kept reveling in the fact that this was in me the whole time. That I could have this estatic moment without taking it from anyone or anything around me. I was trying to figure out how to hang onto that feeling, because I knew that this was the high. It felt more real and clear and peaceful to me than anything I have ever felt my entire life, but I already knew that the comedown would sink me to my normal ways, so I was trying desperately to figure out how to hang on to this nirvana.
• At one point, Mama came back in to check in and I told her that I was ok, but needed to be alone. I also remembered needing to pee. After she left, I eventually got up to go pee. 

bathroom

• In the bathroom, I got stuck on the floor for a while realizing for the first time how comfortable and clear my head felt. I kept wanting to hang on to that feeling.
• I also gave into temptation and looked at myself in mirrors. All I saw was myself, but objectively. I did not place any judgement on how I looked because it didn't matter. I was utterly unbothered.
• I ended up on the bathroom floor for a little while, once again reveling in all the emotional weightlessness I was feeling.
• I finally left the bathroom and began to talk to Mama

hallway 4:00

• I got stuck in the hallway for a while
• I kept telling Mama how amazing I felt and how this was probably what it felt like to be normal. I kept saying everything was meant to be and how everything made sense again. I think I was trying to reassure myself more than I was reassuring her. I told her I felt infinite.
• I kept telling her that I didn't want this to just be a one off experience. I wanted this to be a life-changing moment.
• As I was talking to Mama, I kept looking at the clutter in the hallway, but I felt so much clarity and ability to just observe and be calm with no judgement. I felt like I could do anything for hours and be content without worrying or comparing myself to anything. (I told Mama I could learn any language if I wanted to).
• She said Papa was coming back home so I decided to hide out in my room again.

the comedown 5:00

• I made a pitstop in the restroom again and headed back to my room to hopefully think things out again.
• As I sat in my bed, I felt the comedown almost instantaneously, like all my worldly worries began to weigh down heavy in my heart and body.
• I ate a banana and tried to put the blindfolds back but it wasn't the same anymore.
• I asked Mama to come to me and I told her that I was feeling the same again and that it didn't work anymore. We were surprised at how short it all was. I think the lemon tek made the comeup and comedown exceptionally quick.

the rest of the night

• Mama and I laid down together, I was disappointed and not sure what to make of the experience because I really wanted it to change my life but instead I'm back where I started.
• I'm glad I tried, because it was good while it lasted, but I didn't do enough to really make any breakthroughs or see anything that wasn't there. I just did enough to realize that I do chemically have the capability of feeling ok with myself.
• I love Mama so much.

this morning

• my body feels sore and I feel slightly sick, I guess I feel so fargone from life right now, not sure how to be ok still, but feel like I could maybe become ok if I don't give up with this psychedelic journey

takeaways

• I have an overactive ego
• There is a part of me that can feel completely ok despite what's going on around me
• I can still be saved nomatter how hopeless this all feels
• biggest insight: It's not about not knowing/doing enough, it's about needing to unlearn all these barriers I've placed on myself

Judy told me to write down that I am trying my best at any given moment. She suggested I try acts of altruism.

LOG

• woke up anxious but went to therapy and though it was a lukewarm session, i came back feeling more hopeful
• did laundry
• read and napped in Koko's room

WHAT HELPS

• meditating in the morning
• set shroom date with Eva
• reading up about Vipassana meditation
• Philip's encouragement

FEELINGS

• i feel like i am able to be more grounded right now
• feeling hopeful about meditation and my skin; i really want to change my mind for the better