Just got back from Thanksgiving break in NorCal with Mama, Tyle & Anthony. Got to catch up with Joanna too.

I think I can really feel new inklings of acceptance and understanding in me. I don't know how to articulate it, and I don't know if I even care to try. I guess the best way to describe it is that things feel manageable now. I feel like there are longer pauses between an action and my reaction. Like I can catch my breath before the air around me gets too tight.

I feel loved. Not like I found love. But that I can feel the love that has been there all along. The love that I already earned. That people have been trying to get me to see all this time.

I'm not blinded by a delusional high, I'm grounded in the very real norm, and I'm learning that this can be enough.

i'm starting to realize that the point of life is to distract yourself to the point where you can't think about how it's all meaningless

I don't understand why life has to hurt so much that it physically hurts. What is wrong with me? Why do I hate myself so much? I'm so sick of asking these questions, I'm so sick of it.

I've been trying to pinpoint this loneliness, why I feel so jealous of others, and why I also feel so left out, abandoned, and rejected.

I guess deep down I want someone to take care of me, someone who is able to already take care of themself. I wish there was a healthy version of this that I could rely on. If someone could just sit with me and I would't feel pressured to prove or explain myself to them. The problem is that people who know how to take care of themselves know that it's a bad idea to allow someone like me to depend on them.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want someone to make me whole. I want to be able to handle myself.

I told Judy about all that's been going on with my family
she asked me if I felt relief
you know what?
​I do

I’m panicking so much this morning. I’m so exhausted with hating myself so much but it keeps on going. People say it’s just an emotion and it’ll eventually get better but the root issue is myself. I understand other people may get depressed out of the blue or have something severe happen to them to lead them to a low emotional point. But I feel like I’m just reacting to the culmination of everything I am. I get depressed remembering who I am and how much I don’t like most of it. I try to distract myself with going out and hanging around friends but I either feel worse or barely can ignore my feelings. My family loves me but they really can’t support me in the way I need because I don’t even know what I need. I feel so incredibly isolated. I feel too overwhelmed to function normally. I know how ridiculous all of this sounds because other people who have genuine hardship would kill to be in my external situation. I don’t know what to do because I really don’t believe I’m going to get better. All I know is that everything keeps feeling bad and I don’t blame anyone but me.

• got a B12 shot today (heart feels heightened, maybe it's the shot working)
• decided to continue on Viibryd because it would be stupid to quit the moment i begin feeling better
• still eating healthier and meditating everyday
• now working on slowly integrating myself back in with friends
• constantly fending off my anxiety with my newfound energy and really trying to work on self love and acceptance
• confused on how to take care of mama while also recovering from my own depression (it's going to be a long time before i can really process what's happening with the family especially since we're still in the middle of it)

*edit: went to spend Halloween at Natalie's after

I feel like myself again right at this moment F I N A L L Y

what happened today:

• emailed Herve about Mattel YT editor position
• went with Mama to get chips/carwash/gas
• felt fucking lonely so I texted Jared (miss him so much)
• changed plans with Natalie for tomorrow (spending day at her place instead of lunch in the middle)
• watched Jenny's speech about 7 Meats and reached out to her
• wore makeup for the first time in a long time and finally felt like myself again

If I keep feeling like this, I can bring myself back. THANK YOU JESUS.