I'm currently ready The Bell Jar that Anthony gave me for my bday when I was the happiest. It's extremely relevant to where I am right now.
I'm still in a mood and I can't pinpoint how to make it go away. I really hate getting into this sort of panic mode; it feels too familiar yet such a 180 from when I'm my sparkly best. Right now I feel so empty and unmotivated.
I don't know if this is my version of seasonal depression. I really hate the summer. It's right around the corner. I guess it's been years in the making, but it feels so ridiculous to think that a time of the year can really have this great of an effect on me. Or is it just because this time of year is just usually slow for me? I'm just at a point where I feel so lacking in depth, meaning, confidence, etc. Can summer really be this depressing?
May 29th, 2019
anxiety is constant anticipation of the future and, for me, an inability to focus on the present
i think all my current overthinking has to be fueled by my inactivity
if i'm not busy, i'm just worried about the next time i will be
i'm worried that i'm currently wasting away all this time that could potentially save me from future stress, which is so stupid because it's causing me current stress
i can't stop processing the same check lists in my head over and over and over again
i can't stop
i guess it's because i'm not happy
so my mind isn't at peace right now
it's scrambling to figure out how to make me happy but there's no answer at the moment
it's just making my current unhappy state even worse
i know eventually my situation will get better but i really would love it if i had something to do with it, if i could use this as a chance to fight my vices rather than let them consume me like they always do
May 28th, 2019
i guess i am feeling lonely and mildly sad
i'm really trying my best to let go and not panic
i know things have a way of working out
i just need to trust it'll be ok
[it's currently raining hard in the middle of May]
I've been really trying my best to be patient with my happiness. Every single time I feel stuck I try to fight it mentally. I keep getting instances where I think of quick fixes but I'm glad I can rationalize through them - I don't think there is a miracle solution.
A big part of this is insecurity about how I currently look - stress really shows on my face and body - so I'm trying to stay positive and take it slow to get back to where I was a few months ago. I seriously get into a habit of "hiding" when I'm insecure - as if to tell myself to wait until I look more presentable to get out there. I hate how my internal confidence is so inextricably tied to my physicality. I developed/relied on this mindset heavily growing up, so I guess it's something I often revert back to.
Another part of all this is my perception of self-independence. I do know it's necessary for me to live at home but I just get so damn stuck whenever I'm here. I become so lazy and unproductive. Simple things like chores suddenly feel overwhelming. I don't feel as capable of getting things done. It's like I allow myself to hide and wallow here.
I do notice that being around others does help to elevate my mood. All of a sudden, my worries don't feel as heavy. I am really bad at being alone. It's not that I feel lonely necessarily, but I have a terrible habit of wasting time overthinking. I can get very stressed doing nothing at all. For some reason, as of late, I feel like I just don't have the space I need to properly think things through so my mind just keeps going in circles.
On a constructive note, I'm trying to redirect all this energy and focus towards my current projects. Being at home does make me feel distant from all my work, but I can't half-ass things anymore if I really want to be successful.
I don't want to take opportunities for granted.
I really need to grow up and put in the work.
I want to make myself proud and push past this.
I want to fucking live dammit.
I've felt it before so I know it's possible.
Even though I've been in this weird state, somehow I know it's going to be ok.
I am constantly anxious to maintain my creative identity - my overall one as well.
I feel this incessant need to create the artsy content that I used to, but it feels so forced lately. I'm wondering if this is because I've spent so many years predicating my confidence on my work. Whenever I felt insecure amongst others, it would make me feel ok - special even - to know that I could create things that no one else could - that I had my own lane separate from the rest, a kind of safe place I guess.
I feel so stuck.
I haven't made anything uniquely my own in a while.
I'm attached to a variety of really interesting projects, but I find myself worrying that they aren't pushing my personal creative boundaries. It's almost as if I'm assuming that if I don't exercise the experimental artist in me, it'll disappear - and part of my identity will go with it.
It feels like I'm never doing enough.
I'm realizing this may be tied to my ego as much as it is tied to insecurity.
I do want Sabrina Ashleigh Tan to be a name people look out for.
Would be great to earn a built-in audience one day.
But I have such a long way to go. It is sobering and scary to know that there are so many people who want the same thing and are further along than me.
I'm just impatient and stubborn.
And I guess it feels like I'm playing supporting roles atm.
I'm really trying to snap out of this mindset, because it's not accurate. All the projects I'm working on are very different for me, and I am growing in so many areas.
I want to be mature about the way I see things.
I know I'm lucky that I even have projects I'm attached to. The reality is that everyone I'm working with has taken a risk in believing in me - especially since I am taking on producer roles with essentially no prior experience. That's so insane.
I'm learning that I may not really know what's best for me.
And that's completely ok.
Right now, I think I should shift my focus as an artist from my fixation on a personal aesthetic to a healthier concentration on what my work says. I am remembering now that I always felt my work looked pretty but was lacking substance. It's funny I seem to be complaining about the exact opposite. I need to a wakeup call like this every now and then to realize that I am ok. The things I'm doing now have larger implications than just serving as portfolio pieces.
I'm still going to have to work hard to push past all my circling thoughts, but I'm glad I got to write this all down and let it out. Feels more real this way.
i read something about the inevitability of take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back in life
that actually is really comforting
May 23rd, 2019
i've been trying aimlessly to decipher what is so lacking within me
why is my mind always running
what is the outlet that will make it stop
i've been getting very frustrated as of late and my thoughts seem to generalize all my efforts as being humiliating and/or futile
i don't understand how i can feel so extremely different within the span of a couple of weeks
i don't like how little control i seem to have over which Sabrina i am for the season
and i especially despise how emotionally dependent i am on my context whenever i am at my lowest
i can't hide how i feel
it pours out of me incessantly
the lack of control makes me feel weak
i'm simultaneously unable to shutup about surface feelings but also too scared to admit possible vulnerable truths
i don't like how i assume people only want me when i'm doing well
because the reality is i only want me when i'm doing well
i know things are bound to change
i just hate not knowing what's next
but i especially hate the possibility that there isn't a next
May 19th, 2019
"But why do you have to be so much?"
how do people keep their lives full?
i don't understand my discontent right now, and whenever i try to articulate it i feel worse
*i had typed out a bunch of other sentiments on the topic but decided to delete
May 14th, 2019 PT 2
all i want to do is scream into the infinite nothingness of this world and ask "what does it all mean?"
i feel so incredibly lost and inadequate at the moment; as a creative but subsequently also as a person
i have no idea what i'm supposed to do or what i'm meant to contribute
i don't know what it'll take to make me content and that scares me
it scares me when all i feel is nostalgia and longing for what i think makes others happy
i'm just defeated, disappointed, and i guess it's ok to admit sad as well
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."