I’m 24 now. I graduated top of my class in high school and from UCLA film. I work remotely editing social media videos and currently live at home with you and papa. You guys aren’t the same anymore. But neither am I.
The world has gone crazy.
My world has become small.
I’ve been to therapy, taken pills, talked for hours with friends I can barely keep.
I can’t get through a day without crying. Something’s wrong but nothing is making it better. I pour out all my pain through puffy eyes and muffled sobs only to realize that it’s still imbedded deep in me. You can’t get rid of the heartache if it’s you breaking your own heart. The therapist says I’m depressed. It’s true. And all I can do is spew cliches that people temporarily tend to because their lives are for living, while mine is for surviving.
I’ve watched people around me grow while I keep falling apart.
I don’t know who I am. All my energy is being expended on seeking validation from a world that I’ve exponentially felt alien in. And it’s torn at every ounce of confidence I’ve once held. I can’t keep up.
I feel the loneliest I have in my entire life. All that enthusiasm and bold hope I once embodied feels stupid and immature now. I keep trying to explain myself because I crave understanding, but the older I get, the more confused I’ve become.
I used to tell you all my problems. But somewhere along the way I realized that you’re only human. You hurt and break as well.
Dear Mama, living is the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced, the good moments feel temporary, the bad feel absolute, and I feel like I'm failing.
August 15th, 2020
I feel like I'm growing. I had to give up a collage animation project today, but Tyle called out of the blue and it feels like a sign I did what's right. I feel comforted right now.
August 14th, 2020
i still feel like an alien
it's been a while since i've made a post, but i feel like it's about time i made my thoughts tangible again. sometimes i need reminding
I GOT A JOB
Ozzy bby ❤️
Don’t worry this isn’t a love note, it’s a thank you note. Figures I make your bday about me haha.
So thank you b. Thanks for being so real, and surprisingly patient, and sometimes sweet, and for making me feel special for just being me.
You don’t treat me like some prize to be won, or like some soulmate who’s supposed to make you whole. You treat me like a human being that you can admit you’re attracted to like it’s simply a fact, and I kinda fuck with that. A lot. I test you without realizing, and you always dodge every turn because you’re so above it. Bless your patience.
I can’t say what I really feel for you because, you’re right, we literally just met. ALSO, I can’t even remember if your face is cute or not 🙄. But if you left this much of an impression on me just with one meet up, a bitch can hypothesize a shit ton. Trust me, I am very self aware, just lacking in self control 🙃. The best and worst part is that you never even have to try. I’m literally having one-sided dialogues right and left. Fuck👏you👏. Either way, you are something surprisingly consistent in the chaos of my manic pixie facade: an endearing asshole, nothing else, nothing less. And I dig it. Hard.
You may be someone I want currently, and that can change, but your honesty and no bullshit personality is something I didn’t know I needed to experience, and I have a feeling that will stick with me long after I block your ass 💋
Happy Birthday babe 😘✨
Hope you’re getting shitfaced right now so you aren’t rolling your eyes too hard ❤️
Love & hate,
the softest cheek i've ever kissed
You confuse the shit out of me. I thought I already encountered all types of friendzoning from guys in my life, but to be friendzoned by a guy off a dating app is definitely something that blindsighted me.
You confuse me because we get along so fucking well but just as friends. You think I’m pretty and cute but just as friends. You text me a lot and we call each other sporadically but just as friends. You feel comfortable venting to me and indulging who you are to me but just as friends.
I don’t fucking get it.
It’s my fault because, as impulsive as I am, I guess I take time to realize my feelings and I am just starting to realize that I can’t just see you as a friend for now. It hit me yesterday when you mentioned how weird it was that we weren’t completely platonic at earlier points and that you now gush about a girl to me.
I was in denial but on the real, it does hurt. From the moment you began to talk to me about her, I began comparing myself to her. I wondered what put me in the friendzone and what made her worth pursuing. I’m never the girl worth pursuing by the guys who I want to pursue me. Usually it happens with friends so I get that. But I wondered where I fucked up this time, because from my perspective, I met a guy from a dating app who I was first amused by and then got to know and began to really like and care about but who moved on really fast.
I wondered what was wrong with me. I still do.
I began to blame myself for being too intense. I understand why you felt that way, but you have no idea how many times I’ve felt too much for people so that stung a bit. I felt safe talking to you and then I didn’t. I subconsciously began to feel like I needed to censor some of who I was and how I felt to be able to be in your life.
So I immediately reinstated the friendzone and tried to play it cool, because I’m used to this narrative of me being good enough to be a guy’s friend but too much to be more. But honestly, it’s so toxic for me. Whenever I talk to you about guys it doesn’t feel right. Part of me is wondering if you’re slightly jealous. And it’s not good for you if you really want to be with Alex. I’d be thrown off if I was her.
What hurts a lot too is that I’m starting to realize you probably don’t have time for me in your real life. I got really excited about you coming back to LA because I wanted to work on the app and meet you in person. Remember when I said I’d rather prioritize our collaborative friendship than confuse myself with mixed feelings? I feel like I didn’t get either. Instead, I’m having mixed feelings and I’m also realizing that you don’t have time for me, because you already have so much going on.
It really fucking hurts, because I don’t feel like you’ve ever given me a chance. But also, I’m so done trying to prove my worth to guys. This has happened before, and I know the drill. Once again, it’s not your fault. But I’ve learned from past experience that I shouldn’t just ignore how I feel.
I’m not here saying you owe me anything or that you intended for me to feel this way. I just need to be selfish for myself right now, because I do want to be happy with a guy and I want you to be happy with a girl and it would be fucking unfair to them to have this friendship which isn’t completely platonic on my end. I really do care about you, but boy you got me a little fucked up.
Remember when you said you wished a girl would write something about you? Well careful what you wish for because it’s here, and I don’t think it’s what you expected haha.
But on the real, I do appreciate you so much and I do hope that somehow we can really be genuine friends one day without all this gray area. I don’t know how to move forward from here because I am going to fucking miss your hellish job updates and your song recs and your stupid fortnight addiction and your tiktok obsession. But I can’t be a girl who likes a guy who doesn’t like me back for now, not for a bit.
I really hope things go well with you and Alex b. She seems to make you happy and that’s all that matters. I really care about you ok? Just need to care about myself more right now. Go get her b, and make me proud haha.
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."