I'm still fluctuating between hints of normal and heavy sadness.

I don't know if I've even been in such a black place before. The last time might've been freshman year but I guess I've suppressed that memory.

So much of my frustration is derived from regret, from self-pity, from hating every inch of who I am...and I feel myself caving in to my inner demons. I've sunken so low mentally and emotionally and I don't know how to fight my way back up.

My pity party ensues:

1. Why have I always felt out of place
2. Why am I not anyone's ride or die
3. Why didn't I take those chances
4. Why can't we both like each other
5. Why can't I be her

I just want to scream and cry and scream and cry. 

The worst fucking thing is I just need to vent, to let it out, but I can't because I'll look needy and whiny and I can't take another cringeworthy interaction.

"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good, Oh Lord please don't let me be misunderstood"

All I want to do is cry.

There's so much sadness in me. It's not always present, but I get intense glints of discontent here and there.

I hate that I feel like I need saving: that my happiness may be contingent on everyone else.

The future is so murky and that fucking terrifies me: that I may be peaking any moment and that's it.

▪This interview▪
▪Kikkoman 1st place winner▪
▪Knowing I'm failing a test even though I'm so prepared because I'm running out of time, fuck▪
▪Finding out I was in the same room as Halsey & Jenn Im watching The 1975▪
 ▪Registering to vote because Healy said to▪

The earnest asks "Now that you've won, do you feel fulfilled?"
There is no hesitation in my "no."

Really random thought/revelation: if someone were to describe future me, I hope chameleon would come to mind...

...or unicorn, that would work too.

I'm in a pretty damn good place right now:

1. Haley asking me to potentially co-direct
2. Zooppa reaching out about being a potential finalist
3. Hot Wheels videos posted
4. Hanging with the Wednesday gang
5. Breaking my editing fast to help Amanda edit
6. Going to see him soon
7. The 1975​ ❤️ 

I won't say this week has been the most spectacular, but I feel myself growing as a person in so many facets and I'm beginning to love myself a bit more everyday. It's so fulfilling to stop giving a shit about hypothetical nothings and just focus on the present. Case in point, last night's The 1975 concert:

This concert means so much to me, because it's one of the first initiatives I've taken to living life with no ragrets.

[EDIT: HALSEY WAS AT THE CONERT TOO. I WAS IN THE SAME ROOM AS HALSEY AND THE 1975]

PREFACE
To set the context, I was in a really depressed mood the day I became a fan of The 1975 because-at the time-I realized getting a summer internship at Mattel didn't solve all my existential and creative frustrations. 
In the addictive habit of checking out the latest music videos on YouTube, I saw their "Somebody Else" video pop up in the recent releases. I wasn't going to click, but my unrequited crush had mentioned weeks ago that his brothers made fun of him for looking like the lead singer, so I thought why not fully indulge myself in the pity party. 
The first time I saw Matty's face in the music video, I thought "Fuck me, I'm in for something."
I was right, because I spent the next few weeks watching all their interviews and crushing hard over him (still not sure if this was just a displacement of my original crush). But I'm not writing about them to gush over Matty's looks; I'm writing because their interviews helped me to grow my philosophy on unapologetically pursuing my creativity, essentially just doing whatever the fuck I want.
Sometime during this revelationary period, I saw a FB event for their LA concert, and I kept thinking in past tense how I was going to regret missing it. Then I realized how stupid it was to have premeditated regret and decided to see if Natalie, who never listened to them before, wanted to go.
Apparently, I was meant to go to this concert because Natalie loved their music and was immediately down. I found myself ordering tickets at Mattel while my mentors were at a meeting and that's how I ending up having an amazing time last night.

THE 1975 CONCERT | The Forum (10/14/16)

• Days Before Nervous because assuming I won't fit in with the rest of the fans + stress pimples creeping up
• 4:00 pm Natalie and I realize taking an Uber or Lyft is way too expensive, need to leave earlier for 2 hour bus ride
• 4:30 pm Rushing to get ready, decide to wear the heels
• 5:15 pm Get to Natalie's apartment, quickly drop off stuff, find out Giselle is also fan but too late and should've known
• 5:25 pm Rushing to bus stop, miss the first bus but make the next
• 6:30 pm Miss the connecting bus, decide to take a Lyft
• 6:50 pm Arrive, realize I fit right in with the crowd
• 8:00 pm Natalie and I see empty seats in front of us and we creep up, opening acts, super hyped and will probably look them up
• 8:45 pm Got kicked out of seats twice but still end up with better seats than we paid for, waiting, anticipation building
• 9:00 pm Darkness, light, THE 1975 
• 9:00-10:45 pm MY HEART 
• 11:00 pm Hurrying to catch bus back
• 12:00 pm Bus drops us off in DTLA, creature vibes, waiting for next bus home
• 12:30 pm Missed bus home damn it, too tired, call Lyft, driver plays G-Eazy
• 1:00 pm Home sweet Natalie's apartment

I need more adventures like this ❤️ (next plan of action: convert Natalie into an Ariana Grande fan in time for her March LA concert)

Real talk here. My vision keeps getting worse and I'm so paranoid.

[just now got a call from my dad saying my new glasses have arrived; fingers crossed for the best! [update: apparently crossing fingers doesn't always work]]  

It's been a cycle of optometrist visits, increasing eye prescriptions, episodes of partial blindness, eye specialist visits, and now brain scans. So far they found nothing out of the ordinary, but I'm still holding my breath.

Because I know it's my fault.

I'm finally being punished for all the sleep-deprived nights I've binged on editing, YouTube, Netflix etc. on my laptop/phone in the dark. It's a huge "I TOLD YOU SO" from the universe when you're being faced with your health's mortality.
I really hope this isn't beyond my control yet.

On an optimistic note, I'm going to try to be better. 
On an optical note, SEE ya later.

▪Lacma College Night▪
▪Finally getting Stata on my laptop▪
▪When the cold warms your heart▪
▪Sorority tacos▪
▪When your roommate excitedly shows you her Rick Sanchez doll▪
▪​When your dad says goodbye to his crystals▪

I've been trying lately to let things be, but I still find myself falling and tripping and stumbling here and there leaving me with shitty aftertastes left and right:

1. Thinking about food all day
2. Forcing myself to throw up
3. Binging with the expectation of throwing up only to have my roommate come into the room too soon to do so 
4. Responding to "what's up" with "good"
5. Using my phone to appear occupied
6. Forced conversations
7. Awkwardly trailing off to end a conversation
8. Being stressed about classes, but procrastinating to actually do the work
9. Sleeping late not because I was productive but because I kept telling myself I would eventually start in the next hour or so
10. Dreaming about him and his failed pizza delivery

I feel myself falling through the cracks I'm trying to patch, but I will patch them gosh dammit even if it means putting a huge bandaid over all of it.