In the context of my refrigerator-less, microwave-less dorm:
I throw away the ends of pre-portioned take-out here and there to curb temptation. If I know I'm going to regret it in my body the second I swallow, then it might as well be trash.
Sort of like reverse bulimia: I purge before I eat
There's no doubt I'm being wasteful; the frugal side of me is just shaking her head.
BUT I don't feel wasteful.
Shitty of me to say, but I actually feel proud. I'm that much closer to finally gaining control of my physicality.
It's hard to quantify the positives (self-image) in regards to the negatives (wasting food) when one is emotionally tied, while the other is a tangible first-world-privilege dilemma.
All I know is that I feel better.
TLDR: I LOVE FOOD so much that I cannot avoid it unless it is inedible aka trash. Woe is me.
MY RIDE OR DIE
I've been sulking away in my head about not having a ride or die, but I do.
Some people spend forever searching for what I've been lucky to be born with.
Sometimes the best realizations are the simple ones.
And I am so beyond lucky.
September 25th, 2016
▪Over the weather because I'm under it▪
▪Living in a ghost town▪
▪When I'm so done feeling like shit▪
▪I'd rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't done▪
▪Feeling so fucking sad then Mattel calls (aka Joanne texts)▪
▪Don't dream it, be it (Rocky Horror)▪
SCHOOL 2016-2017 LOVES
Adventures in Babysitting
The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Nuart)
Bride of Frankenstein
UCLA CMF 2016
The Space Between Us
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Kill Bill: Vol. 1
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Black Mirror 📺
Little Miss Sunshine
When Harry Met Sally...
La La Land
Romy and Michele's High School Reunion
Beauty and the Beast (live action)
The Comeback 📺
Saturday Night Fever
Being John Malkovich
Paris is Burning
OFF THE GRID/PLAYING THE FOOL
I don't know if I want to film everything I do, documenting every moment like it's the most I'll ever get.
Because then I'm not left with memories. I'm left with video clips.
Which I then compile into this one video I obsess over aesthetically and existentially, and then I'm wasting present time over the past.
I don't know.
Maybe I will pick up my camera for the YES moments, but I'll try not to romanticize the everyday for my own sanity.
As a continuation of yesterday's post, I'm so tired of comparing myself to anything I am not at the moment. It's so degrading and it's only enabling the Sabrina-deprecation acts. I never wanted to play the fool.
I'm in a weight loss rut
I'm just so tired of my physical insecurities and my exponentially deteriorating health (vision, hearing, skin, etc.). It's honestly getting old and I have no excuses. I just want to feel good and be happy gosh dammit.
I guess this marks a baby step into the dark abyss of adulting. Hopefully I'll make a giant leap when I actually commit.
"I WISH THERE WAS A WAY TO KNOW YOU'RE IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS BEFORE YOU'VE ACTUALLY LEFT THEM" -ANDY BERNARD
Feeling this quote so hard right now.
LAST OF THE FIRST
Yesterday was my last day of my first job/internship:
Thursday 9/15 [1 day before I go]: The Best Day
11:30am Went out to lunch with the boss and the 2 mentors. Mexican food. I was nervous. It was nice. They told me to not be a stranger. I'll try.
2:30pm September Birthdays celebration. Tiff and I made up the MCS party planning committee on a run to Ralphs buying 2 cakes (1 red velvet, 1 chocolate), 1 pack of mini pumpkin spice cupcakes, 2 packs of cookies, and 3 jars of gelato totaling $50. I thought it was too little. She thought it might be too much.
3:15pm We set up in the kitchen.
3:30pm Followed Tiff back into the office then headed towards the kitchen. She needed to go use the restroom. I didn't want to dumbly wait for her, so I went in alone. Social anxiety's a bitch. A few MCS members were already there, but not an intimidating amount, so I plopped down on a chair. Jokes. Small talk. The bitch disappeared. Boss makes an announcement that I'm leaving the next day. A chorus of awes.
3:45pm Most people had filed in at this point. Birthday celebrants present and missing accounted for. Eyes on the sweets.
Lost track It was one of those slow motion moments: laughing, making jokes, singing Happy Birthday, blowing out candles...for the first time, I was with people, not coworkers. It was fucking great. And Tiff was right: there was a lot leftover.
Thank you so much for all of it:
QUEEN OF DISASTER
Just a string of random updates:
September 04th, 2016
▪Humility and humiliation (Church)▪
▪When Buzzfeed wants to interview you▪
▪Bonding over bulimic tendencies▪
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."