In the context of my refrigerator-less, microwave-less dorm:
​I throw away the ends of pre-portioned take-out here and there to curb temptation. If I know I'm going to regret it in my body the second I swallow, then it might as well be trash. 

Sort of like reverse bulimia: I purge before I eat

There's no doubt I'm being wasteful; the frugal side of me is just shaking her head.
BUT I don't feel wasteful.
Shitty of me to say, but I actually feel proud. I'm that much closer to finally gaining control of my physicality. 
It's hard to quantify the positives (self-image) in regards to the negatives (wasting food) when one is emotionally tied, while the other is a tangible first-world-privilege dilemma. 
All I know is that I feel better.

TLDR: I LOVE FOOD so much that I cannot avoid it unless it is inedible aka trash. Woe is me.

I've been sulking away in my head about not having a ride or die, but I do. 
Some people spend forever searching for what I've been lucky to be born with.
my mom
my dad
my brothers
my aunt
Sometimes the best realizations are the simple ones.
​And I am so beyond lucky. 

▪Over the weather because I'm under it▪
▪Living in a ghost town▪
▪When I'm so done feeling like shit▪
▪I'd rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't done▪
▪Feeling so fucking sad then Mattel calls (aka Joanne texts)▪
▪Don't dream it, be it (Rocky Horror)▪

👁
​Adventures in Babysitting
The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Nuart)
Bride of Frankenstein
UCLA CMF 2016
​Ghost World
The Space Between Us
​Django Unchained
​Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
​Carrie (1976)
​Blow Out
Fallen Angels
Kill Bill: Vol. 1
​Gravity
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Black Mirror 📺
​Tangerine
Little Miss Sunshine
Chungking Express
Her
When Harry Met Sally...
​La La Land
​Birdman
Romy and Michele's High School Reunion
​Dear Angelica
Beauty and the Beast (live action)
The Comeback 📺
​Radio Days
Saturday Night Fever
The Graduate
​Rosemary's Baby
​Tootsie
Being John Malkovich
​Paris is Burning

I don't know if I want to film everything I do, documenting every moment like it's the most I'll ever get.
Because then I'm not left with memories. I'm left with video clips.
Which I then compile into this one video I obsess over aesthetically and existentially, and then I'm wasting present time over the past.
I don't know.
Maybe I will pick up my camera for the YES moments, but I'll try not to romanticize the everyday for my own sanity. 

As a continuation of yesterday's post, I'm so tired of comparing myself to anything I am not at the moment. It's so degrading and it's only enabling the Sabrina-deprecation acts. I never wanted to play the fool.

I'm in a weight loss rut

• because I've plateaued
• because the 7 lbs I lost this summer is still far from where I want to be
• because I've been hypocritically binging and purging to compensate for my lack of resolve
• because I'm realizing my physical aspirations aren't mutually exclusive from my internal health and lifestyle
• because I feel like shit

And I can't believe I'm saying this, but the vegan lifestyle is becoming more and more attractive to me everyday. I honestly don't think it's something I can sustain for long, but I might try to adapt to some vegan/vegetarian habits here and there.

I'm just so tired of my physical insecurities and my exponentially deteriorating health (vision, hearing, skin, etc.). It's honestly getting old and I have no excuses. I just want to feel good and be happy gosh dammit.

I guess this marks a baby step into the dark abyss of adulting. Hopefully I'll make a giant leap when I actually commit. 

Feeling this quote so hard right now.

Yesterday was my last day of my first job/internship: 

• Kicked my confidence in the ass
• Never experienced more cringeworthy interactions
• Lectured twice by the sound guy
• Edited 2 videos that will never be posted [update: it's 1 now]
• Cravings tested to their limits
• Film aspirations faltered here and there

But it was the best thing to happen to me this summer.
Thursday 9/15 [1 day before I go]: The Best Day 
11:30am Went out to lunch with the boss and the 2 mentors. Mexican food. I was nervous. It was nice. They told me to not be a stranger. I'll try.
2:30pm September Birthdays celebration. Tiff and I made up the MCS party planning committee on a run to Ralphs buying 2 cakes (1 red velvet, 1 chocolate), 1 pack of mini pumpkin spice cupcakes, 2 packs of cookies, and 3 jars of gelato totaling $50. I thought it was too little. She thought it might be too much.
3:15pm We set up in the kitchen. 
3:30pm Followed Tiff back into the office then headed towards the kitchen. She needed to go use the restroom. I didn't want to dumbly wait for her, so I went in alone. Social anxiety's a bitch. A few MCS members were already there, but not an intimidating amount, so I plopped down on a chair. Jokes. Small talk. The bitch disappeared. Boss makes an announcement that I'm leaving the next day. A chorus of awes.
3:45pm Most people had filed in at this point. Birthday celebrants present and missing accounted for. Eyes on the sweets. 
Lost track It was one of those slow motion moments: laughing, making jokes, singing Happy Birthday, blowing out candles...for the first time, I was with people, not coworkers. It was fucking great. And Tiff was right: there was a lot leftover.

Dear Mattel,
Thank you so much for all of it:

• PA'd on 'professional' sets
• Learned to edit on Premiere
• Attended company events
• Puppies in the office
• Free food all day everyday
• The characters I met (both people and toys alike)
• Having a purpose

Thank you so very much ❤️

Just a string of random updates:

1. ​My body's getting there, haven't been this weight since middle school
2. Meanwhile my eyesight and hearing have never been worse; blindness and tinnitus
3. Got my thrift store road trip after all
4. First time driving on the freeway-American Money blasting-and it was pretty tame
5. Going to buy tickets to see Amélie [the musical]
6. Zooppa video contest round 2: Kikkoman Asian Inspiration {finger's crossed!}
7. 2 more weeks left with Mattel
8. 2 more weeks 'til I go back to UCLA

▪Humility and humiliation (Church)▪
▪When Buzzfeed wants to interview you▪
​▪Bonding over bulimic tendencies▪