Blog Archives - sabs

REMINDER

9/30/2019

how is it possible that this world can't afford me my own share of happiness whatever it may look like?

September 30th, 2019

9/30/2019

showered in the morning and put on lotion/oleplex
acne seems to be drying up and healing
think i might stop counting calories (we'll see)
talked to my mom @ night, feel better

September 29th, 2019

9/29/2019

Eva said LSD is easier to find, shrooms are rarer t.t
I need to hang on for Natalie
talked on the phone with Bree who needed advice
binged terribly late at night, not good for me but i shouldn't beat myself up about this

September 28th, 2019

9/28/2019

LOG

Eva (Pho, Hustlers, shrooms?)
Joanna checked in (30 sec smile per day)

WHAT HELPS

cold weather
unconditional friends

FEELINGS

life is too much for me, i'm sorry

September 27th, 2019

9/27/2019

LOG

woke up early for silk peel (met Dr. Pien who was very sweet and gave me extra yag spot treatment and cortisone shots)
Jared reached out
Auntie Virginia later tonight

WHAT HELPS

i'm getting hope looking up the life-changing effects of magic mushrooms on people; i don't even know how to get ahold of them but i really want to try it safely

FEELINGS

trying not to feel hopeless because it's really near

September 26th, 2019

9/26/2019

LOG

woke up sad
went to therapy at noon, felt more productive than previous sessions ("everything is changing, i'm afraid i can't handle it")
told salon i'm not a good fit for the social media position
"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" arrived
talked with Natalie on the phone, always bittersweet

WHAT HELPS

cooler weather today

FEELINGS

i don't know how i'm hanging on anymore but i think i'm calm because tomorrow is when Auntie Virginia is going to help

JUDY SAID THIS SHOULD MAKE IT FEEL BETTER

9/26/2019

everything is changing
i'm afraid i can't handle it

September 25th, 2019

9/25/2019

LOG

woke up ok
Ashley told me kik is shutting down
noon call with Ryan (so much to think about)
felt suicidal late afternoon
calmer now that it's evening
dusted and vacuumed my room a little
had a call with Bree and Jenny and decided that i won't be working on their upcoming MV (maybe what i need to stop micromanaging is to be shown proof that they're fine without me)
cried after telling Ryan i'm not going to be involved

SKIN

still have pimples

FEELING

so overwhelmed and lost, wish my anxieties didn't exist
i didn't completely freak out today but internally i felt defeated
i just want all of this to stop

September 24th, 2019

9/24/2019

LOG

woke up actively fighting anxieties
i think i'm going to watch the movie (movie went good, it was about space and i was calm)
took a nap actively fighting my anxieties during (in my dream, saw a mini version of me and hugged her and she knew who i was, talked to Daniel but probably more irrelevant)
night isn't eventful, but i just ordered a book i've been recommended twice now and i hope it'll help me; going to spend the rest of the night working on introspection as usual
keep eating a lot at night but trying not to feel bad about it

SKIN

no more sandpaper feeling
a good amount of pimples still there

WHAT HELPS

subliminals
maybe CBD oil

FEELINGS

some days i feel stronger mentally, but still trying to figure out how to be ok; still tiptoeing around myself
i'm actively fighting my anxieties and i guess i see little wins but still being very cautious

September 23rd, 2019

9/23/2019

LOG

woke up feeling ok
went to interview with Salon One 9 about social media position and now feel overwhelmed again; i feel so indecisive and unable to figure out what i need to do moving forward
6:30 feeling suicidal
ended the night finally working on Arigato Grande questions/model and talking to Mafalda about living on Mars

SKIN

roughness almost all gone
pimples still on face

FEELINGS

i still feel stuck all the time and very much a lack of control; my mind is never at peace