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REMINDER

9/30/2019

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how is it possible that this world can't afford me my own share of happiness whatever it may look like?
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September 30th, 2019

9/30/2019

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  • showered in the morning and put on lotion/oleplex
  • acne seems to be drying up and healing
  • think i might stop counting calories (we'll see)
  • talked to my mom @ night, feel better
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September 29th, 2019

9/29/2019

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  • Eva said LSD is easier to find, shrooms are rarer t.t
  • I need to hang on for Natalie
  • talked on the phone with Bree who needed advice
  • binged terribly late at night, not good for me but i shouldn't beat myself up about this
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September 28th, 2019

9/28/2019

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LOG
  • Eva (Pho, Hustlers, shrooms?)
  • Joanna checked in (30 sec smile per day)
WHAT HELPS
  • cold weather
  • unconditional friends
FEELINGS
  • life is too much for me, i'm sorry
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September 27th, 2019

9/27/2019

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LOG
  • woke up early for silk peel (met Dr. Pien who was very sweet and gave me extra yag spot treatment and cortisone shots)
  • Jared reached out
  • Auntie Virginia later tonight
WHAT HELPS
  • i'm getting hope looking up the life-changing effects of magic mushrooms on people; i don't even know how to get ahold of them but i really want to try it safely
FEELINGS
  • ​trying not to feel hopeless because it's really near
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September 26th, 2019

9/26/2019

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LOG
  • woke up sad
  • went to therapy at noon, felt more productive than previous sessions ("everything is changing, i'm afraid i can't handle it")
  • told salon i'm not a good fit for the social media position
  • "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" arrived
  • talked with Natalie on the phone, always bittersweet
WHAT HELPS
  • cooler weather today
FEELINGS
  • i don't know how i'm hanging on anymore but i think i'm calm because tomorrow is when Auntie Virginia is going to help
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JUDY SAID THIS SHOULD MAKE IT FEEL BETTER

9/26/2019

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everything is changing
i'm afraid i can't handle it
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September 25th, 2019

9/25/2019

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LOG
  • woke up ok
  • Ashley told me kik is shutting down
  • noon call with Ryan (so much to think about)
  • felt suicidal late afternoon
  • calmer now that it's evening
  • dusted and vacuumed my room a little
  • had a call with Bree and Jenny and decided that i won't be working on their upcoming MV (maybe what i need to stop micromanaging is to be shown proof that they're fine without me)
  • cried after telling Ryan i'm not going to be involved
SKIN
  • still have pimples
FEELING
  • so overwhelmed and lost, wish my anxieties didn't exist
  • i didn't completely freak out today but internally i felt defeated
  • i just want all of this to stop
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September 24th, 2019

9/24/2019

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LOG
  • woke up actively fighting anxieties
  • i think i'm going to watch the movie (movie went good, it was about space and i was calm)
  • took a nap actively fighting my anxieties during (in my dream, saw a mini version of me and hugged her and she knew who i was, talked to Daniel but probably more irrelevant)
  • night isn't eventful, but i just ordered a book i've been recommended twice now and i hope it'll help me; going to spend the rest of the night working on introspection as usual
  • keep eating a lot at night but trying not to feel bad about it
SKIN
  • no more sandpaper feeling
  • a good amount of pimples still there
WHAT HELPS
  • subliminals
  • maybe CBD oil
FEELINGS
  • some days i feel stronger mentally, but still trying to figure out how to be ok; still tiptoeing around myself
  • i'm actively fighting my anxieties and i guess i see little wins but still being very cautious
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September 23rd, 2019

9/23/2019

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LOG
  • woke up feeling ok
  • went to interview with Salon One 9 about social media position and now feel overwhelmed again; i feel so indecisive and unable to figure out what i need to do moving forward
  • 6:30 feeling suicidal
  • ended the night finally working on Arigato Grande questions/model and talking to Mafalda about living on Mars
SKIN
  • roughness almost all gone
  • pimples still on face
FEELINGS
  • i still feel stuck all the time and very much a lack of control; my mind is never at peace
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    "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
    ​-Alice Kingsley

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