2 days ago, I went to see my doctor with my mom to get professional help for my depression. She prescribed me Paxil and recommended I see a therapist.

I think that was a wakeup call.

The idea of taking an antidepressant to alter my mood scares the shit out of me. Possible side effects include feeling worse than depressed, and I don't know how I'd fight my way out if I fell in that deep.

After the visit, my mom and I went to Costco to pickup the prescription. It's been 2 days. I haven't touched the pills yet, and I don't intend to.

Either way, my mom says I need to fight it, and even though I feel helpless a lot of the time, I know that's the best way to deal with all of this. All I keep telling myself repeatedly is that if I can get past this, then that will be one of the strongest things I ever do. And I'll be so fucking proud.

Edit:
You can't force happiness. And it's really ok

One of the hardest things is knowing I want to be independent, but realizing that it's going to take time.

What does it feel like?

It feels like my dreams are too much, and my reality is too little.

Yesterday night, I forgot what it felt like.

11:00ish AM
Right now I feel normal again and I hope this lasts longer than yesterday.

Really want to call ___ because I think he can help me feel better, but not sure if that's a selfish move.

4:09 PM
Got to drive with my brother today without my parents for the first time, baby steps but it really helps.

10:56 PM
​better :)

I'm doing research on depression and I found out that there's a correlation between anemia and depression. I've been iron deficient for years now, but, a few weeks ago, my doctor called especially concerned about the levels in my latest blood test. Maybe this is the catalyst for all the bad weather.

SOME SYMPTOMS I'VE EXPERIENCED

• extreme stress
• social anxiety
• fatigue
• mood swings
• loss of motivation
• bad memory
• self-loathing

Being in poor physical health already, my mental health went through hell:

1. first true heartbreak
2. French oral and final
3. Experimental Extravaganza (Digital Media Showcase)
4. college graduation
5. moving away from friends
6. no secure job prospects

It became and is a perfect storm, but I'm optimistic now because maybe this isn't me and this isn't my fault. Maybe I'm going to be ok.

My mom's blaming me for my depression. For talking about it all the time. Like I have control over it. Who am I supposed to blame?

I'm so scared that I'll lose everyone and everything. Please don't give up on me. I promise I'm going to get better.

That Night
​The Incredibles 2
Pan's Labyrinth
It's a Wonderful Life
Mamma Mia!
​Silver Linings Playbook
Bo Burnham: what.
Bo Burnham: Make Happy
​Ocean's Eight
Three Identical Strangers
Downsizing
The Bucket List
Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond
Cheers 📺
Crazy Rich Asians
Sierra Burgess is a Loser
​Bruce Almighty
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Groundhog Day

time to reinvent myself

12:15 PM
Graduation is less than 2 hours away.
It feels like the beginning of the end.
​I'm aching for normalcy. I forgot what it feels like.