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AND I THINK IT'S GONNA BE A LONG LONG TIME

8/23/2019

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[TRIGGER WARNING]
​
i don't think i'll make it through the night

my heart is defeated
my mind rendered dumb
my pain selfish
i think it's been pretty obvious i've wanted to disappear for some time
i've lost all sense of being, living
it doesn't feel repairable
everyone has tried
it's not your fault
i've just become numb to the help
to all the encouragement and motivation
to all the i love you's
to all the it'll get better's
because i can't find it in myself
i can't feel it in myself
i can't help myself
i hate myself

the world is just black
it's technicolor for most
but it's dark for me
i know you won't understand
i know you'll think i was being incredibly stupid
i know you'll think that this was such a waste
of all the potential that could've been
but trust me for once
i wasn't going anywhere
i'm better off now than i was before
i can finally breath

i love you all so fucking much
i just hated myself more
it sounds irrational, insane, unwarranted
but that's how i feel
so completely overwhelmed
anxiety has taken over
i cannot keep up
i will not be able to keep up
i will keep falling
i can't take this anymore
i'm not worth it
i feel like a waste of space
that if i keep going like this, you all would lose your minds
i've already lost mine

please take care of yourselves
don't make my mistakes become your own
i love you all so incredibly much
i hope you feel it, my love
​even if i couldn't myself
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RELIEF

8/16/2019

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what happens when you want to die
when the want feels like a need
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BUT HOW

8/15/2019

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it would be cool to be a poet
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IMMATURE

8/14/2019

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I feel very immature dealing with my anxiety and depression
I need to stop this
I need to have control over myself
I am completely sabatoging myself all the time
I need to respect myself as a human being
Giving up is not an option
​I need to accept that
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TOO CLOSE TO BE PLATONIC

8/11/2019

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she thinks she needs it
him
anybody
filling her emptiness
tracing and digging into her insecurities
a softness she's only witnessed on hard screens
but her lack of original words to describe something so intimate means she really doesn't know what she needs 
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I'M GOOD

8/10/2019

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i don't want it anymore
the promise that it'll get better
that life is beautiful
that there is so much more to experience
​that they all believe in you
i don't fucking want it anymore
i don't think you get it
i'm fine if this is all there is
i don't need more
i don't want more
i don't think i'm ever getting more
i don't want it anymore
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SLEEP

8/10/2019

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i pray every night for it to be my last
for the blackness to suffocate the emptiness
the severity to mask humiliation
the end to mellow into peace
my dreams, a permanent escape from me
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HER

8/10/2019

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ok, so you tried to be there for her
you checked in to see how she was doing
you promised her that she was going to be ok
you hugged her tight
you said you loved her
you said you believed in her
you said she was fucking amazing
you made plans
​
she didn't keep them

she didn't keep them

she didn't keep them

you loved her to death
it just wasn't enough
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A SPARK

8/8/2019

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8/7/19
"Don't need a response or anything but I'm walking to my car after just being lazy at a friend's place, the air is nice and cool, I hear cars on the street and the occasional music and convo from apartments as I pass by, and I have nothing I need to do but drive back home for an hour, I want to stay in this moment for a bit ✨"

​I don't know what I did to actually feel normal for once last night, but I did. All I know is that I didn't/couldn't give up. Here's what helped:
  • extremely understanding friends
  • the kindest anonymous listeners on 7 cups/warmlines
  • 3rd week on antidepressants
  • new dermatologist (i'm hopeful)
  • staying out of the summer heat
  • getting out of the house as much as possible
  • the brain training game?
I know this is by no means over. I'm going to also start taking antibiotics and birth control for my skin so we'll see. I'm just reminded of what the one YouTuber said: "your only job is to not make things worse"
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August 06th, 2019

8/6/2019

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people just really don't understand me one bit
i'm so unable to get them to comprehend the intricacies of my anxieties
these fears paralyze and consume me to no end
it all sounds ridiculous to them because it is ridiculous
but it's all very real to me, and that's the problem

to be honest, i take solace in the idea of suicide
i want to end everything so badly
i can't really tell people seriously that this is how bad my mind has gone because it just sounds attention seeking and totally disproportionate to what i'm going through
but i'm so fucking tired
i'm tired of myself
i'm tired of my mind
i'm tired of being such a lost cause
i'm tired of looking incredibly weak
i'm tired of trying and then failing and then trying and then failing
i'm tired of my major accomplishments being so tiny things
i'm tired of disappointing people
i'm tired of getting frustrated with people when they're trying to help
i'm tired of not actually caring about all the advice i get
i'm tired of just nodding yes and thanking people for advice that i immediately assume won't help
i'm tired of being self-aware but doing absolutely nothing with it

i just want to exist forever in this night typing out my feelings and doing nothing else, no tomorrow to drown me, no future to fail
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    "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
    ​-Alice Kingsley

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