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[TRIGGER WARNING]
i don't think i'll make it through the night my heart is defeated my mind rendered dumb my pain selfish i think it's been pretty obvious i've wanted to disappear for some time i've lost all sense of being, living it doesn't feel repairable everyone has tried it's not your fault i've just become numb to the help to all the encouragement and motivation to all the i love you's to all the it'll get better's because i can't find it in myself i can't feel it in myself i can't help myself i hate myself the world is just black it's technicolor for most but it's dark for me i know you won't understand i know you'll think i was being incredibly stupid i know you'll think that this was such a waste of all the potential that could've been but trust me for once i wasn't going anywhere i'm better off now than i was before i can finally breath i love you all so fucking much i just hated myself more it sounds irrational, insane, unwarranted but that's how i feel so completely overwhelmed anxiety has taken over i cannot keep up i will not be able to keep up i will keep falling i can't take this anymore i'm not worth it i feel like a waste of space that if i keep going like this, you all would lose your minds i've already lost mine please take care of yourselves don't make my mistakes become your own i love you all so incredibly much i hope you feel it, my love even if i couldn't myself
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what happens when you want to die
when the want feels like a need I feel very immature dealing with my anxiety and depression
I need to stop this I need to have control over myself I am completely sabatoging myself all the time I need to respect myself as a human being Giving up is not an option I need to accept that she thinks she needs it
him anybody filling her emptiness tracing and digging into her insecurities a softness she's only witnessed on hard screens but her lack of original words to describe something so intimate means she really doesn't know what she needs i don't want it anymore
the promise that it'll get better that life is beautiful that there is so much more to experience that they all believe in you i don't fucking want it anymore i don't think you get it i'm fine if this is all there is i don't need more i don't want more i don't think i'm ever getting more i don't want it anymore i pray every night for it to be my last
for the blackness to suffocate the emptiness the severity to mask humiliation the end to mellow into peace my dreams, a permanent escape from me ok, so you tried to be there for her
you checked in to see how she was doing you promised her that she was going to be ok you hugged her tight you said you loved her you said you believed in her you said she was fucking amazing you made plans she didn't keep them she didn't keep them she didn't keep them you loved her to death it just wasn't enough 8/7/19
"Don't need a response or anything but I'm walking to my car after just being lazy at a friend's place, the air is nice and cool, I hear cars on the street and the occasional music and convo from apartments as I pass by, and I have nothing I need to do but drive back home for an hour, I want to stay in this moment for a bit ✨" I don't know what I did to actually feel normal for once last night, but I did. All I know is that I didn't/couldn't give up. Here's what helped:
people just really don't understand me one bit
i'm so unable to get them to comprehend the intricacies of my anxieties these fears paralyze and consume me to no end it all sounds ridiculous to them because it is ridiculous but it's all very real to me, and that's the problem to be honest, i take solace in the idea of suicide i want to end everything so badly i can't really tell people seriously that this is how bad my mind has gone because it just sounds attention seeking and totally disproportionate to what i'm going through but i'm so fucking tired i'm tired of myself i'm tired of my mind i'm tired of being such a lost cause i'm tired of looking incredibly weak i'm tired of trying and then failing and then trying and then failing i'm tired of my major accomplishments being so tiny things i'm tired of disappointing people i'm tired of getting frustrated with people when they're trying to help i'm tired of not actually caring about all the advice i get i'm tired of just nodding yes and thanking people for advice that i immediately assume won't help i'm tired of being self-aware but doing absolutely nothing with it i just want to exist forever in this night typing out my feelings and doing nothing else, no tomorrow to drown me, no future to fail |
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
-Alice Kingsley Archives
September 2020
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