The last 2 weeks have been a crazy, beautiful blur:​

• The Wash Cycle set
• Feeling great about Econ round 2 midterms (got my grades back and I improved from round 1!)
• A potential second chance at film school (our interests just happened to align with his at some point, don't know if they still do, but that's all it was, not a solitary fight, but an individual desire)
• Joanna's recital
• "Misogynist of Suspense" essay
• Black Friday!

Praying that life keeps looking up!

Now I know how Tony felt before he met Maria

I've been in a heightened sense of reality for a week and a half now and things just keep getting more surreal

Life is imitating art past a coincidental state: 

1. Watching Blow Up right before Trump becomes President
2. The Killer nicknamed Shrimp Head (a nickname I arbitrarily assigned to my brother years ago and strange this correlates with him redeeming himself with a high ACT score)
3. Fallen Angels, resonant of Hong Kong's hyperkinetic political state and, I'm convinced, the visual inspiration for Amélie; ALSO first film I've watched that had a character speak the Taiwanese Hokkien dialect, reminiscent of the dialect I speak at home

I feel like my kaleidoscopic state is leading to something but I don't know what

(PS. closer to finding my conviction)

trump fucking won
​I didn't know how much I didn't want this until now

Voted today.
Waited 2 hours in line when I could've waited 10 min.

A little RED because I'm taking a stance for my generation
A little WHITE because I feel at peace with myself; conviction growing
A little BLUE because I have no idea if I made the right decisions on the ballot 

Only time will tell what's right for my county, my state, my country, but at least I didn't just stand back silent and passive watching it all unravel. 
And that makes me so fucking proud.

I lived pretty hard last week

1. Monday: Halloween 90's themed clubbing
2. Tuesday: The Space Between Us screening
3. Wednesday: lunch with Jonathan and dinner with the M50 crew
4. Thursday: girls' night in (Rocky Horror & ramen & Disney karaoke)

Other things:

• Caffeine pills
• Falling out of a crush
• Running into A.P.
• The boy next door
• Gonna see Ariana Grande with the best roomie ever
• Neurologist 
• Sad talks with James
• Gonna see The Chainsmokers with Jenaynay

I'm on an existential high and I don't want it to end

This week has been fucking great (post coming EOW), but tonight was strange.

I think this is the first time I've fallen out of an unrequited crush as absolutely and abruptly as I fell in. I don't know how to feel. I don't know if it's because of him or it's because of me, but the butterflies are all gone now.

Maybe it's because he cut his hair (I hope I'm not that superficial), maybe it's because it's been months since our last in-person convo, maybe it's because I'm different now?

But it's so damn weird.

I knew I built him up to be someone he wasn't, someone I needed, in my head, but reality still hits hard.

What I once took for sensitivity and depth, I now see as awkward and cliché.
What I once took as fascinating, I now see as boring.
What I once took as natural now feels so forced.

And the strangest thing is that I felt the same coming from his end. Why do I feel like he's done with me too? I didn't even think he entertained the idea of us.

​Literally, as the group departed and we were going the same way, conversation felt like a reluctant formality and he seemed to be intentionally walking with a huge gap between us-nothing very metaphorical about that. And he didn't even look my way as we departed with an obligatory hug; he was pulling back before the hug even began.

To be fair, I was pretty jumpy on half a caffeine pill and I'm just now calming down so this weird haze could be the aftereffect (tbh, I thought the jumpiness was me being giddy on being able to see him, so who knows). But dang, the rose-colored glasses have come off completely. 

It's like how I prayed, "Please let me get him, or get over him." I guess I got the latter.

Halloween. First time clubbing. 90s themed. T'was lit.