5/8/26
Robotically affirming “I am healed”

First time in a long time I didn’t need to pee immediately after drinking water

5/13/26
After therapy session where I was highly doubtful and skeptical, had an actual decent day with the whole fam while Tyle was visiting: brea mall, papa dentist, hmart, youngdong, Lord of the Flies movie night

At one point in yongdong parking lot, Tyle said something sarcastic in response to something I said
Me “I wasn’t talking to you bitch”
Tyle (laughs) “there’s the sister I know”
​
something is working (probably Zoloft but also therapy)

5/17/26
“Hold on for one more day, things will go your way”

Been combatting every single bout of panic with affirming that fear isn’t truth, that it’s all an echo of the past, that there is an end to everything, even who you think you are, all the rules you made up to judge yourself, none of it is set in stone (I remember being so convinced at YTT one afternoon that everyone hated me when it was really just my social anxiety trying to assert itself, it was not true at all, it was like the thoughtform was controlling me and I so instantly believed it)

*reminder from abraham: at every vibration, there are collective thoughtforms that you will become privy too, the higher vibe you are the more sensitive you are, the more lower vibrations and thought forms will hurt. Magnitude of pain isn’t an indicator of failure, it is an indicator of how far you have vibrationally dropped from your most aligned vibration

MIRACLE
TINP meditation, first time doing it where it felt ok
Did it 2 more times at night and for the first time I finally believe I will heal and that there is a greater purpose to all of this, that one day I will be able to help others in deep crisis heal too

FLOATERS (little things that have crossed my mind, little flickers of hope)
1. I have a suspicion that manifestations are happening quicker this year (case in point: Ant’s cruise opportunity). This means I can heal faster than ever before. I fell so quick so fast, I can rise just as intensely too
2. After each of my darkest moments, I always had a miraculous glow up (mentally, spiritually, physically), fits in with Abraham’s teachings on contrast filling our vortex
3. I’ve always said I never have any regrets (and I thought this moment in life would be one, but now I see that it could propel me so far) this experience was necessary to finally let go of the old paradigm
4. The answer was never to go back into the matrix, it was always to believe in myself and my purpose beyond all else
5. The reminder that in reading everyone else’s accounts on reddit/online, that I am not them, that I know universal law, that I am Sabrina Ashleigh “mutherfucking” Tan. I CAN DO THIS. I’m still the girl on fire 😭 I’m still her
6. Whenever I asked the universe “to show me love”, my mind always immediately went to Mama

“And in my darkest hour, I felt myself come back”

I’m still me :’) maybe this is a chance to finally let the old me go, realizing that I don’t even know the new me fully yet. I’ve always said I liked being proved wrong, to constantly expand my beliefs. And this feels like the epitome of that. For once in my life I’m willing to let go of everything I thought I was, that I thought I needed. I’m tired of being scared of myself, of letting my own fears be the thing that keeps me back over and over again. If I can stand firm in the face of fear itself, train myself to not flinch when it is present, everything will change. I’ll never be the same.

I’ve always been insecure about how much time I haven’t been “living” and just “surviving” but now I’m realizing that both external and internal experiences are valid. My suffering has allowed me to cultivate so much spiritual depth, something that I will one day be able to share infinitely. I may not have travelled the world but I’ve traversed the intricacies of my whole being and there’s still so much to explore. One day I’ll create a map for others to begin their own exploration. My value isn’t in output but in input.

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED RIGHT NOW (and if you don’t see any help outside of you, that means everything you need is already inside of you, even if you don’t fucking believe it at first, your only job is to not kill yourself before you finally see the light)

You don’t need action to heal. If you have the stomach for it, mental alchemy first, action comes from that.

Mental alchemy isn’t spiritual bypassing, it’s knowing which thoughts/emotions you no longer want to entertain and focusing on what you prefer. The pain will naturally rise to survive so you will gradually shed it as it comes.

It feels so fucking good to channel again 😭 my soul is back (ps did my crown chakra open up?)

I’m so glad I didn’t kill myself

Holy shit.

EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS WORKING OUT FOR ME
THANK YOU GOD
THANK YOU UNIVERSE

5/18/26
Didn’t experience debilitating panic this morning

Mattel reached out with a job offer (PANIC)

5/19/26
Talked to Leff (Michael) and I like him as a manager! Still worried about actually working, had to take an ambien to get through the talk.

Feel like my eye vision is back

5/21/26
Noticing my vision is oscillating. It clears up more when I feel calm

first day fully alone in my apt, did a lot of meditating and releasing emotion

Joanna randomly calls around 7pm during my meditation saying she’s in culver, we’re going for a walk
-she was wearing the black Jean jacket I gave her
-veterans
-downtown culver
We laughed (Joanna cried with laughter at one point) and talked about life, the universe, capitalism
Felt normal for a bit :’)) so cozy and I’ll remember this forever, the best time I had in a while 

5/22/26
The last 2 days I keep pulling cards telling me that a miracle is coming and that a new chapter is beginning.

PS been feeling extra fatigued the past 2 days, I wonder if this is from energy releasing, like my body is allowing itself to feel tired again

The universe keeps sending people my way

omg around 3:30 Amanda called during a meditation asking if I wanted to go for a walk
-she was wearing the leggings I gave her
-walked around culver
-drank healthy juice at Qwench
-got to be more open and vulnerable around her, feel like we got closer
-laughed a lot
-turns out it’s Memorial Day weekend (yes! More time to meditate before the work week)
-confessed to Amanda my mishap with Jashua and it felt cathartic. She was completely understanding and supportive and made me realize it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. Last thing she told me when we parted ways was “At least now you know Jashua’s not it” and I can’t argue with that anymore. Nomatter how aligned we are on a soul level, he never could overcome his human self to meet me halfway.

Trauma: things jashua said when I reached out to him in need, no empathy at all
-you’re always like this
-you never listen
-“when I told him I felt like wanting to die” so what? I’ll just read in the news that you slit your throat?
-you’re acting like Natalie and your mom

7:30 meditation: Just had a realization about Jashua. I’ve still been holding out subconsciously, protecting his reputation, thinking maybe one day he’d change enough to be the man I need him to be, and not wanting to say anything bad about him in case I’d look foolish for ending up back with him one day. But that door is officially closed.

I’ve always worked in our relationship to show him love and worked to eventually make that love unconditional. But it’s dawned on me that he never knew how to love me, he never knew how to put someone else before himself, he only showed me love when it was easy, only wanted me when I could please him, but he never could overcome himself to love me unconditionally. He came into love so carelessly. Like “I think I’ll try this on for size, see how it goes.” I think love was more of an idea to him, something he wasn’t taught, a new intimidating emotion that was too overwhelming to comprehend, something that he assumed would feel good and validate him but love ended up forcing him to face the fears that blocked it. But it’s often so much easier to be numb or angry than to feel vulnerable. Without vulnerability, his love was defensive. It felt like he didn’t trust love that he didn’t need to earn. It felt like he created all types of reasons with why my love wasn’t right. He accused me of loving him like a mother loves a child, that I was infantilizing him in some way, he hated when I said he was my best friend, lashed back as if I was friend-zoning him, because he was supposed to only be “my man”. He took offense to the dimensions of my love. And he reduced his love to lust, want to feel desired by me and didn’t even understand that my lack of desire came from his complete lack of affection. That I didn’t feel safe to submit myself to him, that I intuitively feared he wouldn’t handle me with care. He never saw that my love is so much more valuable than my desire. Desire is easy. Love is deep. I tried to tell him over and over again but he simply couldn’t comprehend. We were never using the same currency. I was dealing with gold and he was dealing with pennies. 

I don’t think he really had any genuine intentions for us. No real plans for the future, no direction of where he was headed much less where we were headed. He was just going with the flow. Passive in vision but aggressive with wanting to be taken seriously. And caught up in all the lack he felt, his love seemed to dwindle while mine grew. He seemed to resent me so much at times and other times seemed to internalize a lot of guilt for that resentment. He never knew how to work through it all, he just knew how to suppress it and it consequently built to a wall of silence I could never intercept. I get it. Sometimes it’s easier to blame someone else, that have to sit with your pain. Meanwhile, I had a lot of flaws myself but I constantly worked to become better because I realized he was mirroring myself back to me, we literally were immersed in teachings that told us this point blank. I really didn’t have a choice. Transform or die. I learned to no longer blame him and it released me. He never was shown the love I had as a kid and I know he’s had it rough. But at the end of the day, people have a choice in dealing with their trauma. They can harden and double down, or they can be willing to face themselves, face their pain and heal to feel safe again. It isn’t even about doing it for others, it’s about doing it for yourself.

In many ways I’ve given Jashua so much credit that he never cared for. Loved him in a way that he still isn’t ready to comprehend, and I don’t know if he ever will. I don’t regret loving him. I think he’s still very much worthy of unconditional love, everyone is. But I can no longer supply it. I need it desperately for myself first. Im so tired of defending him at my expense. He’s already full of defense. It’s so obvious that it’s really time to let him go, to love what he’s taught me, to still love him on a soul level from a distance, and be proud that he’s still journeying through this matrix the best he can, but to know now with certainty that we are done for this lifetime.

I’ve forgiven him endlessly but he never said he was sorry.

Came out of a meditation literally smiling and laughing during most of it.

I’M FREE OF JASHUA
I no longer have to force myself to be loving towards him anymore. It’s like his actions have given me permission to finally let go completely. And he’ll always know that he’s the one who drew that line, not me. The fact that he ended a 3.5 year relationship on such a bad note when I was most vulnerable and in need. That he still chose to show me judgement instead of love. I’m never giving him another chance to hurt me again. I’m done. Can’t believe I didn’t see how this was the best ending. He can’t pretend to be innocent anymore. And that’s his burden to bear, not mine. WHEEEE

cue: you can’t catch me now & ghost town

5/23/26
Through all of this, I’ve been realizing the universe is allowing me to make more genuine connections with friends. It’s wild how I’m actually feeling closer because I’m being so open and vulnerable and authentic.

After being honked at in the Costco parking lot by someone impatient, met the coolest black grandpa at the Costco prescription line today. There was a mixup where 2 lines had formed and we had to consolidate into one and he ended up behind me. Skinny (not frail) with a cane and newsboy hat, cardigan, button down and slacks, had a swag of his own. Raspy comforting voice and the warmest, friendliest presence, talked about how he strives to treat the fellow man like his equal, to be considerate. Made me feel like I was family haha

Whenever I meet kind, good people, I always feel like I’m on the right track

5/24/26
Been trying to confirm my next psych appt but the page won’t load, wondering if the universe is hinting to me that I will soon be off pills?

Mama talking about how Feng-shui sian-tsi said Anthony was born to lead

Me “how about me? What did he say?”
Mama “You can do anything. There’s no restriction..”

We ended up talking about life and laughing a lot, it felt cathartic :’)

Just received a postcard from Jonathan ❤️ I was wondering if I’d hear from him this weekend. All my friends really came through :’))
from postcards from spirit to postcard from Jonathan 

5/25/26
Had a really good call with Jonathan :’)) turns out he was worried I might be upset with him based off our last convo, when I was worried that he was upset with me this whole time

@ night
Feeling super hopeless but then randomly found a YT channel for insomnia that’s like the channel for CFS I found before. Breaks it down to a science and has success testimonials of people who’ve healed. It immediately made me feel at peace knowing that I didn’t need a miracle to heal from this.

Also been noticing my mind is slowly coming back to me

5/26/26
New Ikea opened up in culver at helms

Buying a new MacBook soon

First night I’m not even going to try to sleep (I ended up taking a melatonin, then a Trazadone since I felt so tired but couldn’t sleep)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OP37ZOXnTos&list=PL6RQ1GS7B1cik8Xr8iVdxmKB9FYieevYj

“The teaching has to adapt to the student, not the other way around” -Daniel Erichsen

5/27/26
Feeling less panic this morning, will see how it goes

Did have discomfort and panic throughout the day but felt more normal at night than I have in a long time

PS been noticing that I don’t have to pee as urgently anymore

It rained tonight ❤️

5/28/26
Found a Panda Express fortune on the outer edge of bathtub in Rowland

“The Fortune you seek is already within you”

It’s funny because I’d already begun to resign to the idea that there are no answers outside of me anymore. That all the work needs to be done within through meditation.

Grateful to still be getting signs from the universe.

Had an appointment with Dr. Michael and he actually clapped and said yay a bunch of times because he could see how much lighter I am right now. So happy to see my docs happy

5/29/26
Leff finally emailed me this morning and I had full blown panic, need to take Valium

Despite my body being freaked out, I’ve had so many signs affirming that this is the path, I’m going to take the job

He sent the offer, I’d be starting on 6/8 just like Tyle and Joanna, more time for meditating! Based on Tyle’s urging, I negotiated to $45/hr from $40 omg

@night
Just had the most peaceful two TINP meditations back to back :’)

Had a creative burst of inspo to create “Anthony takes Miami” meme

Feeling more normal than I have in a long time, but still cautious and feeling a bit spacey and ungrounded

Been seeing 444 a lot and sometimes 222

PS mamas been obsessed with the beegees it’s so cute

5/30/26
I cried for the first time in months today talking to Mama

Channeled: radical acceptance (obvious but I haven’t been applying it well)

Found a St. Michael prayer card when Mama and I visited church

This vid helped me get back to basics: https://youtu.be/OUlbfLrmlo8?si=EYHw6KLORbJE_Ls7

5/31/26
Blue moon in Sag https://www.thecut.com/article/blue-moon-sagittarius-may-2026-meaning-predictions.html

“Once in a blue moon”

My eyesight is so much clearer after a TINP meditation, I can see again 😭

I’m so tired of being afraid

Cried on the phone to Joanna for a good 30-45 min, can’t believe it 

Had a meltdown with Mama, tears and anger and keeping both of us up super late, a really bad night

6/1/26
Called Kady to vent, cried so much again

TINP after where I surprisingly calmed down a bit despite feeling so hopeless

Been seeing dead spiders at home

“That’s the way it is” Celine Dion playing in the car

Was miserable and hopeless and getting food with Mama at Shang Hai Yao Fat when I had the sudden thought to reach out to Suzzy for a reading and she actually replied and gave me so much clarity 😭❤️

6/2/26
Tyle visiting again, spent the whole day hanging with the fam, such an improvement from two weeks ago

Felt exhausted but did a TINP at night and felt that exhaustion lift, just like with CFS

6/3/26
Less exhausted today

Cried during therapy doing ART over Jashua, realized I still need to let go of “knowing it all” and learn how to trust the process, that things will work without my control

Finally set up my new MacBook, downloaded all the same info into a different body, I’m not missing the significance of that

Had a really bad fight with Mama over Roth IRA and cried so much after from guilt and shame and pain

Also cried and bawled to Ant who was such a good listener

6/4/26
Woke up and my eyesight is so much clearer (it’s oscillates a lot lately)

Did another TINP (2nd of the day) where my fatigue significantly shifted during the meditation. The work is working.

Found the cards from Mama to Papa (realized she was just a girl in love), an Papa’s childhood photos in his drawer

6/5/26
Had a feeling I might write a book about Mama and I

I told Mama our relationship is unconventional. She said everyone’s is but what makes us different is “we both never give up on each other”

Tyle had told Mama for the first time today that he wants her to live another 33 years

We showed Papa his childhood photos, his initial reaction was such a big smile, wasn’t able to record it 🥲

Auntie Evelyn & Benson visited, she said that Papa and her were close, that she didn’t get accepted into college and Papa talked to a friend to get her in, also used to take her to watch movies. Auntie Evelyn said I chose a good place.

The straw that broke the camels back: my hard drives

Completely broke down in Rowland with nonstop anxiety/panic attacks which was leading to severe depression. Heart palpitations, heart felt on fire, as well as neck and upper back, feeling like I was dying, spiraling thoughts, no appetite, and I could barely sleep. I couldn't even meditate because it was terrifying being in my body. I literally felt like I had no more strength to go on.

On Friday March 6, I walked outside in our garden and had a brief reprieve where I felt the slightest bit of hope. As Mama and I were heading out, the song "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips played on the radio in the kitchen singing "hold on for one more day, things will go your way" I somehow felt the universe was speaking to me.

The next few hours felt horrific with the anxiety attacks coming back full force. Out of pure desperation, I finally found the Behavioral Health Urgent Care Center in City of Industry (completely free, gov funded).

Long story short, after Mama and I waited for a few agonizing hours, Dr. Jenny finally saw us and prescribed me a combination of Propranolol for anxiety and Trazodone for sleep and depression. I immediately felt relief knowing that I finally had medication to lean on. The fear cycle was broken.

I finally was able to get quality sleep on Trazodone last night and I feel like myself again for the first time in a week. I'm so freakin grateful. Mama keeps saying that there are so many blessings in disguise (one of them being that I broke down here in Rowland).

Even in the dark, the Universe finds a way ❤️

PS Both Joanna and Jonathan held so much space for me in this difficult time. Jonathan referred me to his therapist who I'm seeing soon!

PPS been seeing so many orange cars

SIGN
On the way back home to my apt, saw a huge billboard by Honda saying "This is the Power of Dreams" with an orange car on it OMG

DODR LOG

“At the end of the day we’re looking at the same sky” -Mama

Inciting event:
-fight with Jashua
-jashua wanted to split, was microdosing when I received the news
-huge lack of sleep
-period
-new mood pills
-refusal to feel the pain because knew I would spiral into depression
-reading a course in miracles and affirming only love

Gradually slipped into depersonalization over the span of a week

8/24 el Segundo art walk, first day feeling fully disassociated

8/25 realized it’s not going away, every plan gets cancelled

8/26 Justine texted about job opportunity, forest with Miko, went to rowland, told mama who at first said “to be honest, I didn’t think you normally live in reality anyway” but then eventually softened up and became so much help the whole weekend

8/27: Finally feel normal again after doing 40 min yoga nidra around 3pm (70% better, feeling in body but head hurting from lack of sleep and still no inner monologue and mind is offline, couldn’t watch a movie with mama or understand a lot of convos/words) took melatonin to go to sleep

8/28 slept 10 hours but still super exhausted and lightheaded, dropped Anthony off at airport, did more yoga nidra and reading DP manual, saw more improvement around 5pm after reading DP manual (80% better now, feeling way more optimistic, still don’t want to overstimulate mind)

8/29 felt at 70% most of the day, but finally came back to culver and surprisingly wasn’t bad at all once I arrived and met jashua, felt at 85-90% driving to culver and still feel that way, jashua was a bit tongue and cheek asking how my “trip” was but I did feel like he lacked empathy/concern, said he was ready to talk but I had the wisdom to tell him I need to prioritize healing fully first, right before bed, creative rush to update my online portfolio (feeling in flow and the way I did when life started picking up in the past 👀👽 honestly feeling better than 100% but realistically it’s more of a 90) realized today the time lock has been lifted 

8/30 back to 70-80% 1:1 w/ Miko, channeled for him at the end of our session, also said closing prayer, around 4pm feeling so much peace after doing a yoga nidra, don’t even care about dpdr symptoms, feel a huge alleviation of chronic fatigue after watching cf recovery stories and realizing that recovery is the exact same as dpdr, chronic fatigue is also a freeze response, feeling a bit of the clarity I had last night and on adderall, 90% now at night

8/31 works up at 90% but then early anxiety pushed me back down to 70% for most of the day, was very difficult and feeling a bit depressed, called Jonathan, but it started getting better when I went outside to read and then even better when I watched “little miss sunshine” and “the office” at night, began feeling at 90% again

9/1 have stayed around 90% whole day, yoga and brunch with Ashley early on def helped so much, cognitive functioning still not all the way there but have been at peace and feeling optimistic most of the day which is exactly where I need to be to heal

9/2 NEW MOON IN VIRGO 85-90% talk w/ jashua in the morning confirming he still wants to split. I’ve surrendered to this reality, I trust the universe is sending someone more compatible, in the meantime I need to focus on recovering, felt shitty most of the day, cried a lot to the point where I was hyperventilating, but things shifted by afternoon after going outside and doing my 5th yoga nidra of the day, feeling a lot calmer now, had a really good interaction w/ jashua when he came home from work and we took a drive to whole foods for him to sign paperwork, feeling at 100% rn, late night drive, went for a walk at veterans, jashua called me pretty omg

9/3 90-95% texted Justine, feeling pretty good but also exhausted, I’m assuming it’s just an effect of all the effort I’ve been putting into healing disassociation, talk w/ Justine, not sure if I want this position anymore because she emphasized it was stressful, feeling peaceful and at 100%

9/4 90% texted Justine to say that I don’t want the position, feeling exhausted, but just meditated (for the first time in over a week) and felt an instant rush of peace 10 min in after constantly affirming that I am healed, I trust that life is actually getting better and better, I’ve never had to exercise my faith as much as this point in life, felt a bit like shit and cried so hard to jashua in the afternoon, felt so much better and lighter shortly after, began reading “the brain’s way of healing” before sleep and for the first time I’m learning that you can cure ADHD, feeling 100%

9/5 woke up feeling hopeful at 95%, reading brain book outside and honestly feel so hopeful, I feel like I understand how to free myself of chronic anxiety now too, had a 1:1 w/ Miko and left feeling super disconnected & disinterested, like none of the stuff really resonated, I suspect maybe I’m not meant to do the type of energy healing he does? Also there was a moment where he said some things that triggered my ego and I called it out but in a neutral way and we were able to have a good convo about it where he admitted that he often says things that trigger people and I admitted that my ego clearly became defensive by perceived criticism, it was handled really well tbh, feel like I’m in the twilight zone with this and jashua being so distant, on the positive side, still at 95%

9/6 woke up at 90-95% feeling a bit anxious, felt like shit for most of today, but finally feeling so much peace starting around 6:30, reading “ask and it is given” to shore me up some more

9/7 woke up at 90-95% immediately meditated, did yoga nidra, and read ask and it is given to put myself in a good vibration, felt fatigued but did yoga nidra and felt so much better, feeling so hopeful for where I’m headed, felt super anxious and shitty midday worrying about attending Nicole’s bday but went for a walk and did a nidra when I got back and I feel so much better, went to Nicole’s bday, felt great 95% still but no fatigue, just normal tiredness, left once my social battery drained, super happy and proud of myself

9/8 felt 90-90% whole day, anxious, got dinner with Jonathan

9/9 90-95% but was able to maintain a calm mood the whole day, went to Kenneth Han and costco, eventually at night watched some manifestation vids and realized that I could speed things up by accepting where I was, also kept affirming that I’m already healthy, just allowing 3D to catch up, didn’t feel anxious at all when jashua got home at night, had a dream at night where Jashua was asking for money in a genuine non egoic way, he didn’t have any left, at first I was hesitant until I realized he only needed $20, afterwards we hugged genuinely 

9/10 finally the heat wave has passed 🥳 feeling at 98% this morning, had a bit of frustration for a little bit but feeling so much better again, watching Hilda (Jonathan’s rec), talked to my brain and realized it’s so defeated, feels like it’s better off playing defense since it thinks there’s no result with playing offense, it feels like life is just continuously overwhelming and it would rather pause any progress than occur more heartache and disappointment, it’s so defeated and overwhelmed, comforted and consoled my brain, apologized and said things are going to be better, inciting incident (Covid streaming tarot, then exhaustion) was just my inner being showing me that I needed to pace myself in life, I can see how I continued to overachieve nonstop from Twitch to Mattel to jashua to spirituality and even healing, and continuously put so much pressure on myself to be all together to the point where I kept breaking down and reinforcing that I needed to overachieve to just exist, even now I’ve been putting pressure to figure things out, but now I realize that I can change that, I can comfort and console my mind and give myself a genuine new start, approach life more easygoing and accept help from the divine, clarifying talk with Jashua based in love and appreciation and ended with a hug, mama said “go girl!”, started doing progressive muscle relaxation (saw a dpdr recovery success story based on it)

9/11 95%, OBGYN visit, went out early for appt and read a little in the park, came back feeling pretty fatigued but worked on non-reaction knowing it was an adjustment period and an opportunity to level up, feeling really good around 5pm knowing that I’m already healed, still feeling super good at 7:30, it’s not like the other nights where there was a pocket of peace in the middle of a storm, this feels more like a shift, I’m more sure than ever that I’m on the right track, that life is going to be better than ever, feeling great, super grateful, feel so good and normal

9/12 woke up feeling great at first but then so much anxiety plus period started, 95% again, felt shitty but did a yoga nidra and had a vision (like an SAT) where jashua came home and asked me for a hug, it felt so real, feeling so much calmer now after taking magnesium(starting around 5pm), read Ask and it is given technique #21 and have been using a brain training exercise to greatly reduce pain from cramps 😱 feeling so much peace right now, asked jashua to go for a walk at night, ended up bringing up a lot of hard topics mainly wondering why he hasn’t once initiated asking he how I’ve been doing while I’ve been going through disassociation, he basically said that he has compartmentalized me, I went from his friend, best friend, to woman, and now that I’m not his woman, there’s no going back? Basically this is how he deals with all his relationships, felt like an all or nothing thing, a bit cold, I think he’s being a bit numb about it all, ngl reminds me of when O broke my heart and then acted all nonchalant that night he got me high, tbh this is the final clarity I need to know that jashua isn’t my person, it’s like in that moment he became a stranger, not the person I thought I was in a relationship with, it cut through all the sentiment and put everything else into perspective because this isn’t inconsistent with his other behavior, so it was never really me, he just never could be the person I needed, nomatter why i often felt gaslighted and constantly felt like we needed to break up, it wasn’t all insecurity, it was also part intuition, it wasn’t ego that was unhappy in the relationship, my soul was hurting too, his reaction is so opposite to how I’ve reacted to all of this, so incredibly incompatible and a bit antithetical to the spiritual perspective, lacking empathy and emotional intelligence, feels more like an ego response, he said it’s more of how men deal v women deal, sounds more like how a boy deals v a mature person would deal, but it all sounded so absurd that I couldn’t really personalize it this time, I have a strong feeling he’s going to have to face all of his lessons again (spiritual, relationship, financial), and I know one day he’ll see this all differently and give me a genuine heartfelt apology when he realizes that he’s the common denominator and that he took me for grant d, he just took an easy temporary out, spiritual bypassing, i kind of dodged bullet tbh, had to learn my lessons the hard way but at least the cycles are ending, and it’s a bit of a relief to now know for sure that this isn’t who the universe has in mind for my divine partnership, that there’s actually someone better on the way, we talked a bit more, he did reiterate that he still has love for my existence (even though he has a weird was of showing it), I cried a bit talking about what’s happened but it was more of a release, we also talked about spirituality and neuroscience and life and he surprisingly said that he’s looking forward to the next “game” aka his next life which is so different from his past perspective of just wanting to be done with it all in this life, he also had mentioned that he spent today daydreaming about his future kids and crossing a street with them which was cute, I actually felt really good and normal talking with him, it just flowed, a bit of surrender and awareness of the comedy of life, realizing your ego will keep fighting for a situation until it becomes embarrassing to keep fighting for?

9/13 95% most of today and felt really good despite my period and had moments of processing heavy emotion through yoga nidra, at night felt amazing meditating and affirming my future reality, at one point felt strong emotionally charged food cravings but practiced nonreaction and they actually faded 🥳, great interaction with Jashua when he came home from work, watched “death becomes her” and had so much fun, feeling more normal than ever now

9/14 Saturday, was being very close and cutesy with Jashua sitting next to him and leaning on him, ended up giving him head after I leaned on his shoulder and he confirmed that we were still together, he spilled so many affirmations on me like how I’m beautiful, perfect, lovable, that the unconsciousness I displayed was actually good for him, and he said it would be a blessing to have a daughter like me, he also said “I believe I love you unconditionally” haha, tbh I’m not surprised because this is a natural result of my self concept improving, and I never wavered in treating jashua as lovingly as possible, i still think jashua is very in his ego and not sure about the longevity of us but I’m willing to just keep focusing on myself and reaping the 3D benefits, felt so anxious and fatigued after Miko practical, probs because of the spiritual work and socializing, but also so worried about the implications of being “back” with Jashua, and feeling so low about myself, worried that my health was not going to improve, all the old/fresh debilitating fears flooding in, but then after a few hours of sitting with the fear, i listened to Abraham and something clicked, i realized that I don’t need to worry, that this is a continued opportunity to grow and release old cycles (a simple adjustment period), that his ego can never pose any real threat to my soul, that there is nothing to be afraid of and I’m still on track for my own liberation, I don’t need to react to fear, just need to let it pass through, and once I’m truly out of this cycle, once there is no more fear keeping us attached, a loving path forward will naturally open up, my self love and wellbeing is not contingent upon any circumstance, I can maintain it always, feeling so much calmer now, the fear has passed for now

9/16 yesterday was rough, a lot of remnants of 2 days ago, BUT I went to sleep last night discovering that we’ve been an eclipse portal and I felt a sense of peace and clarity with why this past month has been so rough, I woke up feeling pretty good and immediately did a yoga nidra once I felt anxiety, as well as 2 meditations affirming my health and well-being and ngl I feel really great and high right now, the DPDR is still here but it feels like a lot of the fatigue has lifted especially since my period is dwindling down, and overall I’m in such a good mood, gonna keep up what I’ve been doing and trust that it’ll all make sense when I get to the other side, still feeling really good at night, barely noticing DPDR, listening to subliminals to help work on my self concept, enjoying watching a movie rn 🥳 the best night I’ve had in a while, jashua came home with flowers for me (one of the best bouquets he’s ever gotten me) thanking me for “holding it down” and I felt nothing, and honestly my non-reaction was so awkward, but I’m learning to not feel guilty, I’m allowed to react and feel the way I feel

9/17 lunar north node eclipse in Pisces (super full moon), eclipse portal opening tonight, homestretch and definitely feeling it all and being continuously forced to surrender,  text from Lillian “Girlll, Im not sure if you follow moon phases, but this full moon in Pisces is having me go through it 😩😩,” spoke with Jashua’s higher self in Kenneth Han, both apologizing for our unconscious cocreation, reminiscing, and saying that we unconditionally love each other, “jashua, what do I do?” “It’s not about what you do, it’s about how you feel”, watched freetea vid about askfirmations 😱, had a really good talk w/ jashua about what I’ve been going through, ty universe ❤️

9/25 car ride to a park with Jashua on his bday around 6pm, affirmed “why do I feel so good” “how did I heal so quickly” went from fatigue and headaches to feeling fully energized for the first time in years, it fucking worked, ps also started doing BOTEC 3 days ago and today started listening to Joe dispensas “you are the placebo”

9/27 last night decided I don’t have sleep apnea anymore, didn’t us the machine, just woke up feeling great, never using the machine again

10/2 new moon in libra (solar south node eclipse), on a whim, checked, and was able to schedule a zoom coherence session with dr. Joe dispenza’s official group 🥺❤️

10/3 listening to Joe dispenza “you are the placebo” and realized that Papas way more suggestible and I’m way more analytical, called Mama to suggest that maybe Papa would do really great with placebo treatment 👀 all this time we’ve been trying to communicate to him the way we understand things but maybe he needs a treatment that will be compatible with the way he thinks, a placebo miracle, as long as he believes it, it will work, just a seed rn but mama and I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time

10/4 hung out with Mira and Kady, had a moment where Mira’s reaction to something I said triggered a huge wave of old insecurities and guilt and felt exhausted immediately after, luckily I went home and meditated and tried my best to hold space and not judge knowing that this was an adjustment period of sorts, ended the night creating my vision board and listening to “you are the placebo.” VISION BOARD was a big win 🥳 especially since I didn’t have much motivation at first but I took it one step at a time and before I knew it, it was done! I literally had to disassemble and burn my old story (the post it’s mapping of my memoir) and cut up the original poster board in order to create my future story/vision board. Was pretty symbolic, like a ceremony of sorts even though I wasn’t too focused on the emotions of it otherwise I would’ve been too stuck in my head and have never been able to move forward and just do it. Afterward was still tired but the heaviness alleviated and I felt more neutral, and I LOVE MY VISION BOARD 🥲 so proud of how it turned out, I still got it
10/5 woke up moderately tired, did BOTEC meditation as usual and my morning routine, midday now and realized I’ve been feeling pretty great today, my energy levels feel super normal, so incredibly grateful knowing that I’m on the right track, my faith is stronger than ever that I’m already healed and I just need to keep on going, cleaning and storing cpap machine today because I no longer need it 🙌🙌🙌, I have so much to celebrate
eclipse (9/17) - equinox (9/22) - eclipse (10/2)

TAROT LAW OF ATTRACTION CHANNEL

Realized that I mainly moderated social interactions with guilt, fear & shame. And since that doesn’t exist with DPDR, it feels like I’ve been free falling through convos

Realized I’ve been in my Saturn return, that checks out

A side effect of healing DPDR has been healing my chronic fatigue 🥳 (learned about brain retraining which is essentially like Dr. John Sarno’s book and because now my conviction is stronger than ever, I feel like I finally have the missing puzzle piece to truly heal once and for all). “CFS RECOVERY” yt channel is a godsend, the equivalent of DPDR Manual or Healing Back Pain

Dpdr: feels like you’re high without having taken a substance, emotionally numb, mind is offline, meaning of words aren’t sinking in, memory and time come and goes in waves, not feeling in your body, sounds are far away from source, a stranger in your own body, Loss of taste and smell, tested twice for Covid but came up negative, Loss of inner monologue, Feeling like you’re in a dream
ADHD = overstimulation, DPDR = numb/understimulation 

DPDRMANUAL:https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ct47hykr9vlzbzoupxlu9/DPDR-Manual.pdf?rlkey=p5qnjwjnguu4p22goewdqpc43&e=4&dl=0

Jashuasentthis:https://open.spotify.com/track/65kk9CAAqFI3LWBEhUwVqd?si=SMI3utdhSTWdn303yNQAVA

VID ON TALKING TO BODY TO HEAL (9/10): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cjzp8vDol8

With dpdr, silver lining is I feel no anxiety (numb) and have very few thoughts in my head, forced to be very present because memory isn’t functioning well, in a way, I’m experiencing a lot of peace, and able to see how unnecessarily fast-paced mama and Anthony are

Part of me can see the spiritual lesson of surrender in this experience and sensation, it’s like I have no choice but to “let the cork float, let go of the oars going upstream”

I see more than ever how unnecessary anxiety is and how most of my running thoughts stem from my emotions 

I don’t have interrupting thoughts atm, it’s like the opposite of adhd, one thought at a time
I also know that this experience is making me so much more empathetic for the human condition 
Realizing there’s nothing I can do to making jashua feel secure but there’s everything I can do to do it for myself 

Jashua has been reacting to a version of me that I don’t even like

All I can do is let the emotion of anxiety pass without attaching thought to it, it’s become obvious any thought I attach is paranoid 

anxiety doesn’t need to be entertained and perpetuated, it just needs to be dignified and then released

“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”

(future me's note: felt fully healed by sometime November: vision and taste finally came back fully)
​
It doesn’t matter how long it took to get here, I’m just glad I’m here, that it’s all gonna be ok now, thank you universe

Dear Mama

I’m 24 now. I graduated top of my class in high school and from UCLA film. I work remotely editing social media videos and currently live at home with you and papa. You guys aren’t the same anymore. But neither am I.

The world has gone crazy.
My world has become small.

I’ve been to therapy, taken pills, talked for hours with friends I can barely keep.

I can’t get through a day without crying. Something’s wrong but nothing is making it better. I pour out all my pain through puffy eyes and muffled sobs only to realize that it’s still imbedded deep in me. You can’t get rid of the heartache if it’s you breaking your own heart. The therapist says I’m depressed. It’s true. And all I can do is spew cliches that people temporarily tend to because their lives are for living, while mine is for surviving.

I’ve watched people around me grow while I keep falling apart.
I don’t know who I am. All my energy is being expended on seeking validation from a world that I’ve exponentially felt alien in. And it’s torn at every ounce of confidence I’ve once held. I can’t keep up.

I feel the loneliest I have in my entire life. All that enthusiasm and bold hope I once embodied feels stupid and immature now. I keep trying to explain myself because I crave understanding, but the older I get, the more confused I’ve become.

I used to tell you all my problems. But somewhere along the way I realized that you’re only human. You hurt and break as well.

Dear Mama, living is the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced, the good moments feel temporary, the bad feel absolute, and I feel like I'm failing.

I feel like I'm growing. I had to give up a collage animation project today, but Tyle called out of the blue and it feels like a sign I did what's right. I feel comforted right now.

FEARS

• I often feel like I didn't properly earn what I have financially and that eventually I won't be able to keep it up completely on my own
• I feel like I don't work as hard as my peers
• It's frustrating needing my parents but also being disappointed in them at the same time
• I fear learning curves and feel limited in my passions because I keep assuming that I don't have a good enough skillset/work ethic to be hireable or stand out
• I have accumulated devices that I have been too intimidated to use (cameras and computer) and I feel like it's wasted potential
• I feel overwhelmed with maintaining friendships, because I'm constantly evaluating if I'm interacting correctly, interesting enough, and what they have to gain from me

HOPES

• I've been trying my best to mediate my mental health, I'm bouncing back faster than before
• I keep reminding myself that things always have gotten better for me in the past and this should be no different
• I have accomplished a lot since last year, I am growing
• I have gotten more into spirituality and find solace in the idea that the universe will give me what is meant for me when it is meant for me
• summer weather really hasn't been that bad

i still feel like an alien

i feel like i'm observing life not living it

it's been a while since i've made a post, but i feel like it's about time i made my thoughts tangible again. sometimes i need reminding

1. ozzy is not your soulmate. he was actually an asshole and you were too pure to see it. you weren't stupid. you just thought he was better than he is. one day you'll meet someone who doesn't induce anxious behavior in you. one day you'll meet someone who gives a fuck. 
2. it's summer, and you're not depressed. be proud and be grateful. this is a huge accomplishment.
3. the law of attraction is real. you've seen yourself turn a 180. it will continue to happen. life will continue to surprise and excite. you are spiritual and ethereal. you are attractive beyond the physical sense. you have the purest intentions. you love deeper than most. you are a dreamer so let yourself dream and hope and actualize. and once you're ready, let your spirit be infectious to those around you.

i'm ok, learning to remain positive <3

my memories are etched in hearsay
was is never as true as is
so i fill the holes with lies
if it feels real isn't it real?

the long pauses
my hesitation
his indecision
his contempt for it
his bravado a mask
ironic that's all he became
that's all i became
the world is your mirror
he feared what he was
and i became what he was
words unspoken
thoughts inferred
past rejections keeping us mute
i’d rather annoy him
than make myself weak
"you may forget my face,
but you won't forget my bite"
he'd rather let go
than risk feeling unwanted
but i think he knew
and there was something daring in his tone
he always wanted me to jump
probably wondered why he couldn't do it himself
but we never knew what was waiting on impact
i never felt further away
than when he was right here
but i can feel it
his hesitation
my indecision
my contempt for it
my bravado a mask
ironic that's all i became
​
my memories are etched in hearsay
was is never as true as is
so i fill the holes with lies
if it feels real isn't it real?
let me propose another one
he does the same