Dear Mama

I’m 24 now. I graduated top of my class in high school and from UCLA film. I work remotely editing social media videos and currently live at home with you and papa. You guys aren’t the same anymore. But neither am I.

The world has gone crazy.
My world has become small.

I’ve been to therapy, taken pills, talked for hours with friends I can barely keep.

I can’t get through a day without crying. Something’s wrong but nothing is making it better. I pour out all my pain through puffy eyes and muffled sobs only to realize that it’s still imbedded deep in me. You can’t get rid of the heartache if it’s you breaking your own heart. The therapist says I’m depressed. It’s true. And all I can do is spew cliches that people temporarily tend to because their lives are for living, while mine is for surviving.

I’ve watched people around me grow while I keep falling apart.
I don’t know who I am. All my energy is being expended on seeking validation from a world that I’ve exponentially felt alien in. And it’s torn at every ounce of confidence I’ve once held. I can’t keep up.

I feel the loneliest I have in my entire life. All that enthusiasm and bold hope I once embodied feels stupid and immature now. I keep trying to explain myself because I crave understanding, but the older I get, the more confused I’ve become.

I used to tell you all my problems. But somewhere along the way I realized that you’re only human. You hurt and break as well.

Dear Mama, living is the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced, the good moments feel temporary, the bad feel absolute, and I feel like I'm failing.

I feel like I'm growing. I had to give up a collage animation project today, but Tyle called out of the blue and it feels like a sign I did what's right. I feel comforted right now.

FEARS

• I often feel like I didn't properly earn what I have financially and that eventually I won't be able to keep it up completely on my own
• I feel like I don't work as hard as my peers
• It's frustrating needing my parents but also being disappointed in them at the same time
• I fear learning curves and feel limited in my passions because I keep assuming that I don't have a good enough skillset/work ethic to be hireable or stand out
• I have accumulated devices that I have been too intimidated to use (cameras and computer) and I feel like it's wasted potential
• I feel overwhelmed with maintaining friendships, because I'm constantly evaluating if I'm interacting correctly, interesting enough, and what they have to gain from me

HOPES

• I've been trying my best to mediate my mental health, I'm bouncing back faster than before
• I keep reminding myself that things always have gotten better for me in the past and this should be no different
• I have accomplished a lot since last year, I am growing
• I have gotten more into spirituality and find solace in the idea that the universe will give me what is meant for me when it is meant for me
• summer weather really hasn't been that bad

i still feel like an alien

i feel like i'm observing life not living it

it's been a while since i've made a post, but i feel like it's about time i made my thoughts tangible again. sometimes i need reminding

1. ozzy is not your soulmate. he was actually an asshole and you were too pure to see it. you weren't stupid. you just thought he was better than he is. one day you'll meet someone who doesn't induce anxious behavior in you. one day you'll meet someone who gives a fuck. 
2. it's summer, and you're not depressed. be proud and be grateful. this is a huge accomplishment.
3. the law of attraction is real. you've seen yourself turn a 180. it will continue to happen. life will continue to surprise and excite. you are spiritual and ethereal. you are attractive beyond the physical sense. you have the purest intentions. you love deeper than most. you are a dreamer so let yourself dream and hope and actualize. and once you're ready, let your spirit be infectious to those around you.

i'm ok, learning to remain positive <3

my memories are etched in hearsay
was is never as true as is
so i fill the holes with lies
if it feels real isn't it real?

the long pauses
my hesitation
his indecision
his contempt for it
his bravado a mask
ironic that's all he became
that's all i became
the world is your mirror
he feared what he was
and i became what he was
words unspoken
thoughts inferred
past rejections keeping us mute
i’d rather annoy him
than make myself weak
"you may forget my face,
but you won't forget my bite"
he'd rather let go
than risk feeling unwanted
but i think he knew
and there was something daring in his tone
he always wanted me to jump
probably wondered why he couldn't do it himself
but we never knew what was waiting on impact
i never felt further away
than when he was right here
but i can feel it
his hesitation
my indecision
my contempt for it
my bravado a mask
ironic that's all i became
​
my memories are etched in hearsay
was is never as true as is
so i fill the holes with lies
if it feels real isn't it real?
let me propose another one
he does the same

since when did almond eyes
become waters for you to test
what gave you the confidence to dive into those dark glossy pools
and assume you could contaminate them with fear
no really
answer me
i’m genuinely confused
how much narcissism does it take 
to only see the surface and suppose it knows every crevice
to dive into the unknown and still think it’s their game
who are you protecting by lacerating an innocent child
disabling an unassuming grandparent
tell me
why are women more likely to be attacked
plenty of fish in the sea
but yet you target those who are more likely to float
who is this saving
tell me
you don’t even dip your toes
you dive head first
you’re in deep waters but you still think it’s a kiddie pool
air and plastic
easy to burst
dispensable
let me spell it out for you
the Chinese soul is ”-characterized by anguished and inarticulated love as a consequence of disciplined emotions.”
no
almond eyes aren’t waters for you to test
they’re windows to our soul
but we never let you in
they’re mirrors for your ignorance
but we never asked for it
you’re attacking yourself
so why are we the ones reflecting the pain
you know what happens when you try to pollute a pure soul?
you make blood boil
so next time you want to swim with the Chinese
go swim with the fishes first

for the first time in a long time she was speechless
words no longer sufficed
the pain of her heart pressed heavier than the weight of her voice
it was excruciating
it was sublime
to be able to feel the fissures of her existence stretched to its limits
it was human to the core
existential
she felt privileged
a low that felt high
a high that felt infinite
and as much as it tamed her
she desired for everything to cease existing
the memories of when they first met
his presence invasive
her predisposition shy
his eyes digging
her refusal to reciprocate
the flashes of his camera
she didn’t like his naked eye
but his third eye she didn’t resist
and she didn’t know it then
but she had fallen hard
at first it felt like relief
a free spirit letting her walls down for once
“You opened up my mind” she told him
“Now you have to open up the rest of me”
the second time
the third time
the fourth
the fifth
the sixth
the seventh
each time they met she was sure it would be the last
and each time her heart soared
suffered
mourned
healed
then broke again
and each time she had so much to say
as if volume of words would convey volume of desire
volume of pain
but her words never did much
one word from him did more than a thousand from her
his silence echoed louder than her screams
so
for the first time in a long time she was speechless
words no longer sufficed
​and the pain of her heart pressed heavier than the weight of her voice

​
*written while listening to this song*

it's your absense that makes me want you more
it's your presence that reminds me why i even care