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TRIP 2

10/25/2019

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I had my second shroom trip yesterday, a week after my first one
2.3 grams lemon tek

It was an incredibly painful, but potentially necessary, trip. I won't be too detailed but I'll jot down main moments
  • I went into the trip thinking I could break through my anxiety for good
  • began incredibly frustrated because I didn't feel like it was working as well as the first time (no great elevation in mood, instead I felt a consistent heaviness in me with the physical world being slightly warped)
  • sat down outside my room with mama and broke down declaring I felt like an ALIEN
  • eventually went to mama's room and further broke down into suicidal hysterics, there I was in her bedroom surrounded by beautiful sunlight and rainbow reflections feeling like I wanted nothing more than to die, probably the blackest moment
  • at some point I just kept saying "I don't want to think" because every instinctive thought pattern was just too painful and self-deprecating for me
  • eventually I closed my eyes and accepted that maybe this was part of the trip and that I needed to give in and fight for myself
  • I kept fighting my feelings of anxiety and told myself to hang in there, I felt a distinct physical heaviness in my heart on the left side, I kept imagining that if that heaviness was lifted there would be hope underneath
  • eventually my mom went down to make cabbage soup
  • I began to feel better, not lighter, just a lot more normal as the trip began to lessen
  • I went down and walked out to the garden surrounded by fresh air, lush greenery, and a cotton candy sunset, it was beautiful and calm, I asked mama to come out and enjoy it briefly with me before it became completely dark
  • later we finished the cabbage soup and watched Netflix together

Takeaways
  • I think it's going to be a long time until I try mushrooms again, but this bad trip felt necessary
  • ironically taking mushrooms is giving me the strength to attempt taking antidepressants again, but seriously now, mama is supporting me
  • today I don't feel great but I feel more grounded and hopeful that the antidepressants are the answer

THIS SONG
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