TRIP 2

I had my second shroom trip yesterday, a week after my first one
2.3 grams lemon tek

It was an incredibly painful, but potentially necessary, trip. I won't be too detailed but I'll jot down main moments

• I went into the trip thinking I could break through my anxiety for good
• began incredibly frustrated because I didn't feel like it was working as well as the first time (no great elevation in mood, instead I felt a consistent heaviness in me with the physical world being slightly warped)
• sat down outside my room with mama and broke down declaring I felt like an ALIEN
• eventually went to mama's room and further broke down into suicidal hysterics, there I was in her bedroom surrounded by beautiful sunlight and rainbow reflections feeling like I wanted nothing more than to die, probably the blackest moment
• at some point I just kept saying "I don't want to think" because every instinctive thought pattern was just too painful and self-deprecating for me
• eventually I closed my eyes and accepted that maybe this was part of the trip and that I needed to give in and fight for myself
• I kept fighting my feelings of anxiety and told myself to hang in there, I felt a distinct physical heaviness in my heart on the left side, I kept imagining that if that heaviness was lifted there would be hope underneath
• eventually my mom went down to make cabbage soup
• I began to feel better, not lighter, just a lot more normal as the trip began to lessen
• I went down and walked out to the garden surrounded by fresh air, lush greenery, and a cotton candy sunset, it was beautiful and calm, I asked mama to come out and enjoy it briefly with me before it became completely dark
• later we finished the cabbage soup and watched Netflix together

Takeaways

• I think it's going to be a long time until I try mushrooms again, but this bad trip felt necessary
• ironically taking mushrooms is giving me the strength to attempt taking antidepressants again, but seriously now, mama is supporting me
• today I don't feel great but I feel more grounded and hopeful that the antidepressants are the answer

THIS SONG