I let life happen to me.
I'm letting life happen to me.
And I'm tired of the past tense.
I'm tired of the future tense.
My now is only filled with regret and anxieties, so there is no now.

A part of me sees how I will fall apart
A part of me aches for change
A part of me is terrified of change

All of me wants to disappear for a bit and start new

But I don't know how

And even if I did, I'm so scared just to end up in this exact spot once again.

Life hurts so fucking much right now. All I want is a break, a break from my thoughts, a break from home, a break from the summer, a break from responsibility, a break from all this anxiety and depression.

I've never been this low before, and I surprise myself every day by drowning deeper and deeper.

I NEED AN OUT

Things I'm craving so badly:

1. A lazy night in with friends
2. A stable job that I love
3. To move out (a place where there's a big comfy couch and a beautiful view of the city at night)
4. To love and trust myself
5. For my creative drive to come back

I don't know if I'm ever going to get here. Please future Sabrina, if you ever get to this point, please place an edit below and tell me that everything turned out beautifully.

feeling normal and just trying to enjoy the moment :)

• Mama called her best friend because her husband can see if something bad is following me
• I went to the Church and was blessed by a priest
• Found out Natalie is moving and I can't be there to support her

I never thought I could feel this low and so much of me really wants to let go because I don't see how things could get better.
Jesus, please save me, if there's any hope left, please let me see it.

I just want to stop existing

edit
I don't even feel strong for dealing with this
I feel weak and helpless, like everyday I'm just barely making it
There's nothing I want more than to turn back the clock and do it all over again.

Erica and Giselle, I feel their dislike, annoyance, they don't care about me, they don't like me, I must've done something wrong. Weeks, months ago, 10973 was a family, some of my favorite people. I remember the first night together in the apartment, them getting donuts, Natalie and I watching a bad movie together, feeling home and safe. Now, I feel like I'm someone they couldn't care less about, because I messed up. I feel like I'm being punished for taking things for granted. And there's no going back.

I fell
I shattered
I broke
​.
.
.
and now I'm paralyzed
fractured
scattered
weak
unable to collect myself
.
scared that some pieces are lost,
that some will continue to break,
and
that some just won't fit anymore.

I don't know how to make a choice, because there's a chance that if I go with my gut I will also lose it all.

MRC or NBCUniversal?

I feel like the sore loser, but I don't know what the game is or who I'm playing against. I keep praying for an answer, for the reason why all of this happened. I'm so impatient it hurts.

Natalie told me that it helped her to do things that she was scared of. I'm scared of everything right now, so I know she's right. I can't just do nothing. I can't let this be all I was ever meant to be.