Goodbye 2016

You were a crazy ride ♥

VPC Exec
Jaded
M50
Mattel
135 lbs
Kikkoman
The 1975
Club 90's
Economics
TFT
Amélie
The Chainsmokers

It's time I got off and start a new one

Hello 2017

Just over a hour ago, Jenny and I left the Chainsmokers concert to discover we were robbed. All the documents from her glove compartment were scattered on the passenger side seat. Her right rear car window was shattered. Our cameras, purses, wallets, jackets, and my gift for Jenny were stolen.

I actually don't feel bad about the material possessions, those are replaceable. 

But I'm heartbroken over my camera, particularly the SD card. I know the robber doesn't need it, but I do. So many fucking memories on the thing and they're all gone. Can't even finish my TCIC 3.0 because the project was stored on the card.

I've always wanted something bigger than life to happen to me, and I've always wanted a clean fresh start. So did I ask for this to happen?

​-Lost and numb

My interactions with people are very trying. I enter conversations and situations fine, but I often leave them feeling immense inaqdequacy. My mind becomes suffocated with the residuals of the awkward silences, the things I forgot to say, the boring tangents I go on, the times my words stepped over someone else's, and it refuses to let go the next day long after the people are gone and I'm back home. 

Is this normal? Is something wrong with me?

I don't know what I want or what I need

Tonight is going to be Christmas Eve
Right now, 
Papa and Koko are in downtown working 
Mama is making green juice
Tyle is helping Mama but he will get back to gaming once he's done
Anthony is napping
I just watched Trisha Paytas' latest video and it's surprisingly full of hope after her frenetic downward spiral for the last two weeks 

And you know what? I can't find a rational worry to fixate upon

I have a lot of random thoughts floating around and I've been trying to piece them into one cohesive post, but, after deleting a few attempts, I don't think there is a puzzle to solve. I'm just going to force myself to commit to this one.

WINTER BREAK
I've been having a pretty OK winter break so far. The initial optimism faded into stressing about my to-do list, film school, friends, and family, but now I'm trying to stop thinking so much. It's just a paradox of wasted time. 

BLACK MIRROR
I finally finished the lastest season last night, and it was a lackluster end to a dark and beautiful series. No television show has made me feel this much anxiety and guilt all while exascerbatating my existing insecurities, so mission accomplished Charlie Brooker. 
(p.s. food for my hungry eyes)

RELATIONSHIPS
Distance makes the heart grow fonder with friends and family. I think I'm slowly coming to terms with that and it's ok. We always dream up amazing things we'll do together when we have the time, but when the latter comes, the former rarely does.

ME
​I've been gaining weight, and I've been throwing up. It's terrible and I keep telling myself I will stop. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose to feel something, but most of the time I'm bored. My thoughts consume me so I consume my surroundings-a lopsided equilibrium, but one nonetheless.

​At the end of the day, I sleep to dream again

I GOT INTO FILM SCHOOL
​overwhelmed but exactly where I need to be

[cont.]
It's a day later and I've had time to reflect on why I'm going to do it, but with so much hesitation and resistance. Why is my decision based on potential regret rather than present triumph?

1) TFT's admissions consciously decided to disregard all internal applicants last year. If it weren't for Bryan (who fucking didn't even make it), I wouldn't have been admitted:

• I feel like an afterthought
• I won't graduate owing TFT anything
• This feels a little wrong, like acquiescing to the enemy; I took the bait

2) Ex-Economics Major/Film Minor

• Adverse to last year's failure with my major, I've actually been working my ass off and I finally feel comfortable with Econ
• No more classes with Amandooo (one of the best human beans I've met in college)
• I only had 6 more classes to finish my major and 1 more class to finish my minor, but I'm now stuck with 20+ classes until graduation T.T
• I STILL HAVEN'T COMPLETED A FOREIGN LANGUAGE (and now I have to take 3 literature courses, which probably means summer school at this point)

3) The TFT Crowd

• Mentally, I've already said a big "FUCK YOU" to TFT for what they did last year
• I haven't gotten along swell with film students in the past so how will that change now?
• social situations aren't my forte

This is what I wanted all along but now I'm fucking scared I'm making the wrong decision. Does the film industry really have any more room for film majors? Would they be more perceptive to an economics major? Do I even need film school to do film? Am I capable on my own? Will I graduate in time?

All I know is I want to make films. God please help me get there.

Yesterday my dad was Santa

• driving a red sleigh: his old beat up Toyota
• wearing red: his classic red-stripped polo
• peppered hair and belly: old age and a food baby
• delivering presents: pomegranite apple cider vinegar, chocolate, glazed donuts
• to happy recepients: a bank, a community college, and an ice cream shop
• and all with a jolly smile on his face

I'm honestly really happy right now and there's nothing more to it. 

The little and big moments in the past week:

1. Adi's Birthday (Rick & Morty and Hot Cheetos)
2. College family dinner 💕
3. MY BEST FINAL SEASON (studied my hardest and knew all the material on the exams)
4. Movie night with Adi and Natalie
5. Film TA said I wrote one of the best essays in the class-an undergraduate writing at grad level-so incredibly proud
6. Interviewed for film school, my best interview yet
7. 4 weeks of winter break coming up 🎉

​
I know these moments don't last forever, but I just want to enjoy it all while it lasts.

Got an interview with UCLA TFT.
​Best part is Papa is proud ❤︎