i'm starting to realize that the point of life is to distract yourself to the point where you can't think about how it's all meaningless

I don't understand why life has to hurt so much that it physically hurts. What is wrong with me? Why do I hate myself so much? I'm so sick of asking these questions, I'm so sick of it.

I've been trying to pinpoint this loneliness, why I feel so jealous of others, and why I also feel so left out, abandoned, and rejected.

I guess deep down I want someone to take care of me, someone who is able to already take care of themself. I wish there was a healthy version of this that I could rely on. If someone could just sit with me and I would't feel pressured to prove or explain myself to them. The problem is that people who know how to take care of themselves know that it's a bad idea to allow someone like me to depend on them.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want someone to make me whole. I want to be able to handle myself.

I told Judy about all that's been going on with my family
she asked me if I felt relief
you know what?
​I do

hearing your parents fight is heartbreaking nomatter how old you are
both of them are so broken
there's nothing i can do to save them
mama is so done
papa isn't listening
tyle says us calling him is "annoying"
i'm feeling so beyond uncomfortable, lonely, and sad

I’m panicking so much this morning. I’m so exhausted with hating myself so much but it keeps on going. People say it’s just an emotion and it’ll eventually get better but the root issue is myself. I understand other people may get depressed out of the blue or have something severe happen to them to lead them to a low emotional point. But I feel like I’m just reacting to the culmination of everything I am. I get depressed remembering who I am and how much I don’t like most of it. I try to distract myself with going out and hanging around friends but I either feel worse or barely can ignore my feelings. My family loves me but they really can’t support me in the way I need because I don’t even know what I need. I feel so incredibly isolated. I feel too overwhelmed to function normally. I know how ridiculous all of this sounds because other people who have genuine hardship would kill to be in my external situation. I don’t know what to do because I really don’t believe I’m going to get better. All I know is that everything keeps feeling bad and I don’t blame anyone but me.