i don't care how much you love your family,
your friends,
that boy you can't stop thinking about,
that job that you kind of tolerate,
that project that fills your soul,

don't forget you need to be selfish
that you need to make your world revolve around yourself

you're not a saint for putting them all first, silently hoping for the same in return
you're not the victim for always saying you deserve more but giving yourself less
don't assume someone or something is going to prioritize you
it's a privilege so don't anticipate it like a right

when you give your everything
don't be surprised if it doesn't come back whole
expect whatever you hand off to potentially come back broken
be ok with it
let that be the expectation

sometimes there will be exceptions
when you can only give pieces
and someone gives you far more than you can reciprocate
and it'll be nice
maybe it'll feel like too much
but cherish it 
remember it's rare
​
so please don't forget you need to be selfish
that you need to make your world revolve around yourself

Just got back from Thanksgiving break in NorCal with Mama, Tyle & Anthony. Got to catch up with Joanna too.

I think I can really feel new inklings of acceptance and understanding in me. I don't know how to articulate it, and I don't know if I even care to try. I guess the best way to describe it is that things feel manageable now. I feel like there are longer pauses between an action and my reaction. Like I can catch my breath before the air around me gets too tight.

I feel loved. Not like I found love. But that I can feel the love that has been there all along. The love that I already earned. That people have been trying to get me to see all this time.

I'm not blinded by a delusional high, I'm grounded in the very real norm, and I'm learning that this can be enough.