my memories are etched in hearsay
was is never as true as is
so i fill the holes with lies
if it feels real isn't it real?

the long pauses
my hesitation
his indecision
his contempt for it
his bravado a mask
ironic that's all he became
that's all i became
the world is your mirror
he feared what he was
and i became what he was
words unspoken
thoughts inferred
past rejections keeping us mute
i’d rather annoy him
than make myself weak
"you may forget my face,
but you won't forget my bite"
he'd rather let go
than risk feeling unwanted
but i think he knew
and there was something daring in his tone
he always wanted me to jump
probably wondered why he couldn't do it himself
but we never knew what was waiting on impact
i never felt further away
than when he was right here
but i can feel it
his hesitation
my indecision
my contempt for it
my bravado a mask
ironic that's all i became
​
my memories are etched in hearsay
was is never as true as is
so i fill the holes with lies
if it feels real isn't it real?
let me propose another one
he does the same

since when did almond eyes
become waters for you to test
what gave you the confidence to dive into those dark glossy pools
and assume you could contaminate them with fear
no really
answer me
i’m genuinely confused
how much narcissism does it take 
to only see the surface and suppose it knows every crevice
to dive into the unknown and still think it’s their game
who are you protecting by lacerating an innocent child
disabling an unassuming grandparent
tell me
why are women more likely to be attacked
plenty of fish in the sea
but yet you target those who are more likely to float
who is this saving
tell me
you don’t even dip your toes
you dive head first
you’re in deep waters but you still think it’s a kiddie pool
air and plastic
easy to burst
dispensable
let me spell it out for you
the Chinese soul is ”-characterized by anguished and inarticulated love as a consequence of disciplined emotions.”
no
almond eyes aren’t waters for you to test
they’re windows to our soul
but we never let you in
they’re mirrors for your ignorance
but we never asked for it
you’re attacking yourself
so why are we the ones reflecting the pain
you know what happens when you try to pollute a pure soul?
you make blood boil
so next time you want to swim with the Chinese
go swim with the fishes first

for the first time in a long time she was speechless
words no longer sufficed
the pain of her heart pressed heavier than the weight of her voice
it was excruciating
it was sublime
to be able to feel the fissures of her existence stretched to its limits
it was human to the core
existential
she felt privileged
a low that felt high
a high that felt infinite
and as much as it tamed her
she desired for everything to cease existing
the memories of when they first met
his presence invasive
her predisposition shy
his eyes digging
her refusal to reciprocate
the flashes of his camera
she didn’t like his naked eye
but his third eye she didn’t resist
and she didn’t know it then
but she had fallen hard
at first it felt like relief
a free spirit letting her walls down for once
“You opened up my mind” she told him
“Now you have to open up the rest of me”
the second time
the third time
the fourth
the fifth
the sixth
the seventh
each time they met she was sure it would be the last
and each time her heart soared
suffered
mourned
healed
then broke again
and each time she had so much to say
as if volume of words would convey volume of desire
volume of pain
but her words never did much
one word from him did more than a thousand from her
his silence echoed louder than her screams
so
for the first time in a long time she was speechless
words no longer sufficed
​and the pain of her heart pressed heavier than the weight of her voice

​
*written while listening to this song*