[it's currently raining hard in the middle of May]
I've been really trying my best to be patient with my happiness. Every single time I feel stuck I try to fight it mentally. I keep getting instances where I think of quick fixes but I'm glad I can rationalize through them - I don't think there is a miracle solution.
A big part of this is insecurity about how I currently look - stress really shows on my face and body - so I'm trying to stay positive and take it slow to get back to where I was a few months ago. I seriously get into a habit of "hiding" when I'm insecure - as if to tell myself to wait until I look more presentable to get out there. I hate how my internal confidence is so inextricably tied to my physicality. I developed/relied on this mindset heavily growing up, so I guess it's something I often revert back to.
Another part of all this is my perception of self-independence. I do know it's necessary for me to live at home but I just get so damn stuck whenever I'm here. I become so lazy and unproductive. Simple things like chores suddenly feel overwhelming. I don't feel as capable of getting things done. It's like I allow myself to hide and wallow here.
I do notice that being around others does help to elevate my mood. All of a sudden, my worries don't feel as heavy. I am really bad at being alone. It's not that I feel lonely necessarily, but I have a terrible habit of wasting time overthinking. I can get very stressed doing nothing at all. For some reason, as of late, I feel like I just don't have the space I need to properly think things through so my mind just keeps going in circles.
On a constructive note, I'm trying to redirect all this energy and focus towards my current projects. Being at home does make me feel distant from all my work, but I can't half-ass things anymore if I really want to be successful.
I don't want to take opportunities for granted.
I really need to grow up and put in the work.
I want to make myself proud and push past this.
I want to fucking live dammit.
I've felt it before so I know it's possible.
Even though I've been in this weird state, somehow I know it's going to be ok.
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."