May 23rd, 2019

i've been trying aimlessly to decipher what is so lacking within me
why is my mind always running
what is the outlet that will make it stop

i've been getting very frustrated as of late and my thoughts seem to generalize all my efforts as being humiliating and/or futile
i don't understand how i can feel so extremely different within the span of a couple of weeks
i don't like how little control i seem to have over which Sabrina i am for the season
and i especially despise how emotionally dependent i am on my context whenever i am at my lowest

i can't hide how i feel
it pours out of me incessantly
the lack of control makes me feel weak
i'm simultaneously unable to shutup about surface feelings but also too scared to admit possible vulnerable truths
i don't like how i assume people only want me when i'm doing well
because the reality is i only want me when i'm doing well

i know things are bound to change
that's life
i just hate not knowing what's next
but i especially hate the possibility that there isn't a next