i hate that the older you get, the more you realize you can't depend on anything or anyone
i hate that i can't even seem to take care of myself and tell myself everything is ok i hate waiting for change i hate reminescing about when "things were good" i know things eventually will get better, but how long until they get bad again?
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that's what i want to feel: fresh
i want to feel new again, to get rid of all the bad vibes i've been analyzing to no end, to stop enabling the negativity it seems i want so badly to have the answers to everything, for my life to be immaculate and pristine, but i'm trying my hardest to let go and move on when there's nothing to figure out i'm going to work on self care because my excuses for everything else always comes back to me wanting to hide away from the rest of the world my acne my weight gain my hair my bulimia i'm so sick of letting these familiar insecurities run my life. i just simply can't feel good if i know i look terrible and i don't have the luxury to pause my life while i make myself "presentable" it may be petty but looking better, looking fresh, will help me feel fresh and hopefully lead into a new mini chapter of my life in time for the summer heat (which i am absolutely dreading but hey life goes on and i'm not staying behind in bed all day anymore). i feel myself leaking back in
scared to fixate on the relief too much because it might just be my imagination i'm finding it hard to feel motivated to do much of anything
and anything i am doing often feels either like i'm being taken advantage of or there's no point i don't like how i'm feeling so defensive as of late i'm constantly frustrated everything i do feels like a chore, an obligation i miss getting excited to work on a selfish project i hate that i'm wasting time just thinking and not doing i hate how a lot of how i feel is tied to how i look or is it vice versa? i'm tired of feeling undervalued but simultaneously insecure i hate how it's so hard to rely on others, but it's just as hard to rely on yourself i just want to move past this already *edit* the whole world has a way of making everything shiny and new feel dull and disappointing i'm working on telling myself that big projects/progress takes time for anyone at any stage of their life/career
it was a nice, comforting thought to have while driving earlier and i feel a lot more calm i'm trying to internalize the fact that some creatives like julia michaels played more of a supporting role to others (song-writing in her case) before being ready to take center stage also, whoever heard of a famous director/actress/singer/etc. constantly churning out new movies and songs? there always is downtime. time for things to settle down. time for new inspiration to strike. otherwise content can get repetitive and boring. people stop caring. sometimes it's just as important to consume as it is to create and i think i need to focus on that in the meantime, especially since i've been feeling kind of depleted as of late, need to build myself up for when i am ready for my moment i don't even know what center stage will look like for me: editing for others is draining, i'll never be comfortable in front of the camera, producing isn't creative enough, and i'm still not ready for my directorial debut. sucks that those are the options right now. all i know is what i seemingly don't want and i hate that some of it feels like i'm starting to play backseat roles. i crave ownership. i also don't want to compete with others. i absolutely hate feeling jealous although i'm not quite there yet. i just want to be unique. everyone does. right now a lot of things are feeling quite forced for me, so i'm trying my best to be ok with not wasting my energy on impulse just because i am unhappy with my current state. i'd rather run towards inspiration than run away from discomfort. i notice i get farther in the former. i have a hard time concentrating on reality i've noticed
i've definitely been getting in my head too much recently and it always sucks to know that my insecure needy self is very much a familiar part of me it's really hard to maintain confidence when you're in a rut also i don't understand why i'm fixated on the idea of accesibility, like i make my vulnerabilities too known and that makes me too easy for people to read and therefore there's nothing left for them to be intrigued by or take seriously specifically on the topic of love/dating/relationships, i feel like me being on dating apps comes off as desperate? i think it's because i do it for attention and validation. idk why i can't shutup about the topic. i really hate that i like talking about it because its on my mind a lot, but after i feel shitty because its not necessarily on everyone else's mind and i def think it comes off as needy. to be honest, i think i was always meant to be in a lowkey we-met-as-friends-but-became-more relationship where we're both just comfortable and silly and in love and everyone supports it because its wholesome and pure and meant to be. but that hasn't happened for me yet. if it were up to me, i was never really supposed to be on apps and experiment. i mean it's good for practice and socialization but these platforms are at the end of the day kind of sad or gross; i've become desensitized and feel like my expecatations are so far gone. i'm so glad i've still never been kissed and haven't actually dated any of these dudes because then i really would be disappointed in myself. at the end of the day, i'm a total hopeless romantic so this isn't my preference and this isn't me, but i keep coming back to it because i guess i just feel a bit empty sometimes. where is my guy tho? i really wonder if i'll ever find the one. i'm going to end up waiting forever because i never settle, but it's frustrating because idk if it's ever going to happen. i know it doesn't for some, so part of me is scared i'm one of them. everyone deserves love, but not everyone gets it. man, i miss when i was ok being my independent self I hate not being a free spirit
I can be at times, but it's just not fully who I am |
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
-Alice Kingsley Archives
September 2020
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