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Friday 13th full moon
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hope is terrifying
all i can do is ask Jesus to save me [TRIGGER WARNING]
I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. And no one understands. My mind and insecurities are utter torture. All this self-hatred is defeaning. Imagine being in public and feeling simultaneouly inferior and utterly jealous of every single person, place, thing you pass. Imagine your heart sinking at your very existence. Imagine every passing moment disappointing not only yourself but also everyone who ever believed in you. Imagine feeling that there's no way out. Everyone wants me to have hope. Everyone wants to force their optimism and normality down my throat. But I really don't feel it or see it anymore. I don't feel any ounce of energy to keep going. The more time passes, the worse I feel. I'm humiliated by how pathetic I've become. I can't tolerate any of this anymore. Can't you see that there is no better? I'm so fucking miserable. I didn't know unhappiness like this could exist, and I don't see myself ever finding anything worth enduring this for. I'm so sorry to everyone who needs me. Papa, Mama, Tyle, Anthony, Koko, Natalie. I don't know how to even begin to describe how dark and impossible this all feels. I can't handle anything anymore. It's not because your love wasn't enough for me. You gave me everything you could. I'm so full of self-contempt that even if the whole world professed it's love for me, I wouldn't feel a thing. I'm so damaged beyond repair, and I can't keep up. I know that if I continue like this, I'll keep ruining everything. I hope you all know I think you're a billion times stronger and more admirable than I'll ever be. I love you, and I'm so sorry for all of this. i woke up today feeling calmer, the negative thoughts aren't weighing as intense for now but i'm scared to admit it in case it disappears
i'm just going to list things that might be helping
there is still so much discontent and evil inside of me, but i think i ultimately have to give in and be spiritual again because i have no other hope in getting better i'm at a point where i see myself as the worst, pathetic person and it sounds whiny and ridiculous but it's been a long time since i've felt ok and i'm constantly terrified that my life is over because i don't think i'm capable of anything or deserve anything if i do get better from this, it'll be another miracle in my life and this time i hope it doesn't fade away Jesus please save me and make the impossible possible i promise i'll try my hardest not to waste it once it comes back home after one week in my first ever job in santa monica crashing at my friend's dad's luxury apartment without him knowing
i'm at the end of my world, feeling numb and sleeping is the only escape i only can rely on blind stupid hope that something will change, because i've pretty much given up this video is the only thing that makes sense (ps silver lining: head PA did say i did a good job and hopes i come back) |
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
-Alice Kingsley Archives
September 2020
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