September 09th, 2019

LOG

• i freaked out like crazy this morning/feeling suicidal
• mama and i called AMA about skin laser treatment for friday
• didn't leave bed until 3ish
• mama broke down crying around 5ish; i know it's because of me; i felt so numb and helpless
• feeling more normal at night/my face looks more recognizable
• ate more than i should've around midnight but didn't purge
• ​scared for tomorrow as usual

WHAT HELPS

• praying rosary
• saying Jesus over and over
• burning bay leaves/soaking feet in them
• friends reaching out
• drinking lots of water
• gargling salt water to reduce swelling from purging
• listener from 7 cups said my outbursts may not be because of immaturity but because of anger issues; essentially saying that it may not be my fault; i still feel guilty but also it would be relieving if i could alleviate some of this blame and self-hate