September 07th, 2019

[TRIGGER WARNING]

I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. And no one understands.

My mind and insecurities are utter torture. All this self-hatred is defeaning. Imagine being in public and feeling simultaneouly inferior and utterly jealous of every single person, place, thing you pass. Imagine your heart sinking at your very existence. Imagine every passing moment disappointing not only yourself but also everyone who ever believed in you. Imagine feeling that there's no way out.

Everyone wants me to have hope. Everyone wants to force their optimism and normality down my throat. But I really don't feel it or see it anymore. I don't feel any ounce of energy to keep going. The more time passes, the worse I feel. I'm humiliated by how pathetic I've become. I can't tolerate any of this anymore. Can't you see that there is no better? I'm so fucking miserable. I didn't know unhappiness like this could exist, and I don't see myself ever finding anything worth enduring this for.

I'm so sorry to everyone who needs me. Papa, Mama, Tyle, Anthony, Koko, Natalie. I don't know how to even begin to describe how dark and impossible this all feels. I can't handle anything anymore. It's not because your love wasn't enough for me. You gave me everything you could. I'm so full of self-contempt that even if the whole world professed it's love for me, I wouldn't feel a thing. I'm so damaged beyond repair, and I can't keep up. I know that if I continue like this, I'll keep ruining everything. I hope you all know I think you're a billion times stronger and more admirable than I'll ever be. I love you, and I'm so sorry for all of this.