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My parents say it's lucky that I insisted on staying in my brother's room for a month, because I couldn't stand my room. Near the end of my stay, it rained randomly and water leaked out of one of the lights in the ceiling. The rain only lasted for an hour or 2, but if I hadn't been in the room, no one would've caught it and the roof wouldn't have been fixed by now.
I'm so scared of life. I feel so intimidated by the functioning normal world. I've just been playing the avoidance game. I feel like everything either causes me anxiety or guilt. I really want to move forward and find fulfillment in life, but I don't know how to get there or what that even looks like.
Physical Appearance/Body:
I woke up today feeling more normal than I've felt in a while. However, I still feel like I'm on the edge of anxiety. One wrong thought and I'm in a depressive spiral all over again. I'm going to see my doctor to get some meds to calm this down. Hopefully I do really get better.
Yesterday was ugly. Broke my glasses in half. Told my parents I didn't want to live. My dad spanked me for the first time in years. I was and am a kid.
Today, I have a plan:
I'm so pathetic.
I've given up and all I do is destroy everything around me. It's not going to stop because I'm not going to try. I know I'm hurting my family, losing friends, the hurt never ends. I've lost myself a few months back. She's buried by time and she's gone with everything else. |
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
-Alice Kingsley Archives
September 2020
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