My world stopped making sense months ago
I began by praying to go back in time Then praying to pass away in my sleep Then praying for God to take me home (wherever that is) Now I don't know what to pray for anymore All I say is please Tonight is it. The last ounce of hope I have. Everyone says it's going to be ok. They're all trying their best, but I'm not. I have so little faith. Every single time it glimmers in my head, I'm quick to feel stupid. I know it's more likely that things won't change because I'm not even trying. I'm not fighting because I really meant it when I said "I give up" at the beginning of all of this. I'm a bad person. I just know it. And I hate it. I'm hurting so fucking much, and I want it to end. The drama of it all has gone stale. It's like a good TV show: better ended in the height of it's glory than to keep going until no one cares anymore. All I really want to say to those who love me is that there's nothing anyone can do to make this better for me. It will truly take a miracle for me to continue. I believe in miracles, But I don't believe I deserve one. My world stopped making sense months ago
0 Comments
I don't want to get better because I know I'll never feel the way I want to feel, look the way I want to look, love the way I want to love, be the way I want to be
nothing's simple even when I try to tackle it one step at a time what's the point in trying for something that doesn't exist? it's like I don't deserve it
if she knew what I was thinking all the time it would hurt her too my entire life is like trying to get the broken earbud to work by slowly moving the wire around
It felt like everything I thought I'd ever known was false and I could finally see the world for what it was and it was not a place I wanted to stay in.
You stop caring about what is right and wrong; the only thing that matters is your own feelings. I would liken it to a sink slowly filling up with water. It feels innocent and manageable at first but when it starts to overfill, you rapidly lose control and chaos follows. Everything around you can cause a negative emotion. That pencil on your desk? The guy that makes those is probably happily married with a stable income. I could also use it to kill myself if I wanted to. Not only do you stop caring about right & wrong, but what once seemed right to you now seems like a waste of time. "You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you'll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no...anything. There's no chance at all of recovery. You'll just -- exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever...lost."—Remus Lupin on the Dementor's Kiss |
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
-Alice Kingsley Archives
September 2020
Categories
All
|