August 06th, 2019

people just really don't understand me one bit
i'm so unable to get them to comprehend the intricacies of my anxieties
these fears paralyze and consume me to no end
it all sounds ridiculous to them because it is ridiculous
but it's all very real to me, and that's the problem

to be honest, i take solace in the idea of suicide
i want to end everything so badly
i can't really tell people seriously that this is how bad my mind has gone because it just sounds attention seeking and totally disproportionate to what i'm going through
but i'm so fucking tired
i'm tired of myself
i'm tired of my mind
i'm tired of being such a lost cause
i'm tired of looking incredibly weak
i'm tired of trying and then failing and then trying and then failing
i'm tired of my major accomplishments being so tiny things
i'm tired of disappointing people
i'm tired of getting frustrated with people when they're trying to help
i'm tired of not actually caring about all the advice i get
i'm tired of just nodding yes and thanking people for advice that i immediately assume won't help
i'm tired of being self-aware but doing absolutely nothing with it

i just want to exist forever in this night typing out my feelings and doing nothing else, no tomorrow to drown me, no future to fail