YES

this cyclical routine of hope and heartbreak is starting to sink in as a reality in which i am neither the cause nor the victim

i was listening to a John Green podcast ep about the game of rock paper scissors, and he summed up life as inevitably having some dependency on luck, chance- the idea that we don't necessarily deserve everything that comes our way

it's comforting to think that my past failures might not have been avoidable and that my past successes aren't necessarily replicable. it's weird that relinquishing the correlation between hard work and results makes me feel better. because the idea that i can always do more eats at me every single second. because i rarely think i am good enough. but if it isn't true that the more i put in, the more i get out, then i can breathe a little pretending that my energy might go wasted either way.

it's so fucking tough for me to feel that i am ok, to be content with wherever i am at any given moment. i keep looking towards the future as some sort of salvation. that i can distance myself so far from where i am currently that anything i am doing now won't matter.

but i don't want to be depressed and i don't want to give up

i recently ordered a book titled "The Joy of Missing Out." i've been saying "yes" a lot more recently, just working on not putting things off. buying the book is one of them. Adi posted an article about it on fb and i think it's all about not being greedy for success/satisfaction/validation to the point where every new win only leaves you emptier and hungrier for the next. i guess it ties in to the idea that the more you know the more you are aware of what you don't know, so the more you have the more you are aware of what you lack. i want every new win to leave me content, not inadequate.

i do admit i grew up daydreaming about granduer, assuming that when i grew up i was entitled to so much because i had a feeling that i was special. my little girl aspirations are looking increasingly naive because all i want now is to get to a point of normalcy. i just want to be enough for myself, that's all