B O D Y
Everyday is a constant struggle. I am having the hardest time compartmentalizing my fears and anxieties. I have not completely abandoned this weight loss/healthier lifestyle journey, because it's all I have, but I definitely haven't been abiding by it religiously either. I'm in a never-ending yoyo of self-destruction and then self-preservation/self-betterment. What is wrong with me? I want it bad, but not bad enough to stop and change. It feels like I'm running in place, occasionally taking a step forward and then a step back. I'm not getting tangible results so my motivation keeps wavering.
Things consuming my mind:
S O U L
Life is still really difficult. I feel every minute go by. There is undeniable progress in my emotional state, but it does not feel good. I'm low, just not sinking as low as before. Disappointed and frustrated because my self-hate and anxiety is still there. I haven't learned to cope, I haven't really done anything, and I have a hard time controlling my anger and impatience. I feel like a monster, because I've allowed myself to act like one. My family has been so incredibly patient and understanding, and I take that for granted. I feel like one day they won't be able to handle me anymore, because I can barely stand myself. I want to learn how to not have such an ugly heart. I want to stop being selfish and start becoming mature.
I just have to keep having blind faith that things will work out even if it feels like I'm doing nothing to make them better.
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."