STILL WAITING

B O D Y
Everyday is a constant struggle. I am having the hardest time compartmentalizing my fears and anxieties. I have not completely abandoned this weight loss/healthier lifestyle journey, because it's all I have, but I definitely haven't been abiding by it religiously either. I'm in a never-ending yoyo of self-destruction and then self-preservation/self-betterment. What is wrong with me? I want it bad, but not bad enough to stop and change. It feels like I'm running in place, occasionally taking a step forward and then a step back. I'm not getting tangible results so my motivation keeps wavering.

Things consuming my mind:

1. Self-acceptance v self-betterment: I keep convincing myself that I'll learn self-love once I get to my "ideal body" but experience has taught me that the destination isn't supposed to be the answer, especially since it might never arrive. I'm scared I'm just using it as an excuse
2. Impatience: I want immediate results so badly, but there's no healthy way to achieve them
3. My ideal body versus the reality of what my body can achieve: I know (and I've known for years) that my body will never become my ideal body, the one I've always dreamed about. Right now, I guess my goals are to see what my body will become if I tried my best the healthy way. My motivation is constantly being tested; this is so tough
4. Cravings/binging: I would love if I could stop constant cravings/binge mentality. Even if I'm never going to be great with fitness, I want my eating to get under control
5. Documentation v. Obsession: Part of me realizes that documenting/tracking my progress might make the progress more visible and concrete but the other part of me is split between being lazy/not thinking this model is sustainable and scared that documentation will become obsessive

Small wins:

1. I've been drinking apple cider vinegar with every meal
2. I've pretty much abided by intermittent fasting for a week
3. I've been listening to the hypnosis/affirmations every night
4. I've been doing exercise daily
5. Facial exercises daily
6. Haven't purged in around 2 weeks
7. I'm trying hard to be mentally strong instead of stubborn
8. My new acne medication arrived

S O U L
Life is still really difficult. I feel every minute go by. There is undeniable progress in my emotional state, but it does not feel good. I'm low, just not sinking as low as before. Disappointed and frustrated because my self-hate and anxiety is still there. I haven't learned to cope, I haven't really done anything, and I have a hard time controlling my anger and impatience. I feel like a monster, because I've allowed myself to act like one. My family has been so incredibly patient and understanding, and I take that for granted. I feel like one day they won't be able to handle me anymore, because I can barely stand myself. I want to learn how to not have such an ugly heart. I want to stop being selfish and start becoming mature.

I just have to keep having blind faith that things will work out even if it feels like I'm doing nothing to make them better.