THE AFTEREFFECT

This week has been fucking great (post coming EOW), but tonight was strange.

I think this is the first time I've fallen out of an unrequited crush as absolutely and abruptly as I fell in. I don't know how to feel. I don't know if it's because of him or it's because of me, but the butterflies are all gone now.

Maybe it's because he cut his hair (I hope I'm not that superficial), maybe it's because it's been months since our last in-person convo, maybe it's because I'm different now?

But it's so damn weird.

I knew I built him up to be someone he wasn't, someone I needed, in my head, but reality still hits hard.

What I once took for sensitivity and depth, I now see as awkward and cliché.
What I once took as fascinating, I now see as boring.
What I once took as natural now feels so forced.

And the strangest thing is that I felt the same coming from his end. Why do I feel like he's done with me too? I didn't even think he entertained the idea of us.

​Literally, as the group departed and we were going the same way, conversation felt like a reluctant formality and he seemed to be intentionally walking with a huge gap between us-nothing very metaphorical about that. And he didn't even look my way as we departed with an obligatory hug; he was pulling back before the hug even began.

To be fair, I was pretty jumpy on half a caffeine pill and I'm just now calming down so this weird haze could be the aftereffect (tbh, I thought the jumpiness was me being giddy on being able to see him, so who knows). But dang, the rose-colored glasses have come off completely. 

It's like how I prayed, "Please let me get him, or get over him." I guess I got the latter.