The feeling of leaning over the toilet, eyes shut, throat tight, forcing yourself to let go of everything you’ve kept in. You taste everything you’ve had that day, glad it’s no longer a part of you because it isn’t you. There’s relief, but there’s also so much fucking disappointment that you did it again. And you tell yourself this will be the last time, but it never is. Temptation is too strong, and willpower is too weak
SUMMER OF '16
I started because I had too much of Mama's curry and I still wanted more.
It became easier and easier to come back for more.
I blurted it out to her one day, part hoping to make her feel guilt? pity? but subconsciously wishing that it would stop. She took it pretty lightly-I was offended-because she did it too-what?-we laughed away my tears, things were light, I was being dramatic. She said she had stopped and I told her not to worry and that I had complete control. Like mother, like daughter.
My brother heard me. His knocking startled me. He asked if I was ok and I lied saying I ate something bad. He told my mom. She said she'd take me to the doctor if I didn't stop.
I didn't stop.
I broke the shower handle in a haste to drown out the noise. My dad told me to stop using so much force when I wanted to go shower. I was temporarily relegated to only using the master bathroom with the stronger handle.
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."