I hope you remember me for the good moments, not the spiraling mess I became.
I wrote this in high school, but it feels so damn relevant today:
High School Girl
Set your alarm clock fifteen minutes early everyday to straighten your hair; get a straight perm if that is too much work; a regular curl perm works too; plan out your outfits ahead of time; fix your chipped nail polish so you don’t look like the immature kid that you still are; wear pastel and neon colors in warm weather-dark, rich colors for colder weather; stop eating all that junk food; do not eat your feelings out; save yourself for the freshmen 15; what is the freshman 15?; stop worrying all the time; be positive; no, you are not going through depression; if you are looking up symptoms of depression chances are you are not suicidal or depressed; this is how you have a social life; this is how you have no life; this is how your life becomes synonymous with school; have you already pulled that all-nighter?; this is how you BS your homework; this is how you sleep in class without being noticed; this is how you don’t make empty promises to yourself that it will never happen again; you’ll probably pull the next all-nighter within a week; this is how to talk to guys; this is how to be friends with guys; this is how to keep your friendships with guys you think you like but don’t really like; you know that underclassmen boy you’ve taken a liking to? Yeah, don’t even think about it; why? this is how a guy will break your heart; this is how you will break his heart; this is how to reject a guy if he publicly asks you to the dance, this is how to reject him in private; this is how to behave around your friends; this is how to behave in front of adults so they don’t see the immaturity that you fail to suppress; if you’re feeling lazy, don’t waste time doing nothing-what’s the point in wasting time by being bored?; go on Youtube, pleatedjeans.com, hulu.com, or projectfreetv.com; watch New Girl, The Mindy Project, Modern Family; America’s Next Top Model, Futurama, Family Guy; if all else fails, go on Facebook; this is how to add friends; this is how to take a profile picture; this is how to get likes; this is how to stalk people you hate; this is how to stalk people you like; this is how to properly use emoticons; this is how to not be annoying; this is how to block the annoying people; this is how you wave to your best friend in the hallway; this is how to wave to a classmate; this is how to not look stupid when they do not see your wave; this is how to be happy-or as close to happy as possible for an immature girl like you; this is how to fake being happy; this is how you can tell someone is faking; Are you feeling overwhelmed?; be sure to not get to that point; but since you won’t listen, this is how to take a step back and appreciate life; this is how you screw yourself over by overreacting; this is how to not make any stupid decisions by acting in the moment; this is how to prevent pimples, this is how to get pimples; this is how to get rid of pimples; this is how to get pimple scars; this is how to get rid of pimple scars that you caused by picking at your pimples; this is how to ask your parents for money; this is how you ask your friends to borrow money; this is how you ask your friends to pay you back; this is how to survive Mother Nature’s monthly ‘gift’; this is how to dress during that time of month; this is how you endure the cramps; this is how you get past the cravings so you won’t hate yourself later when you gain 10 pounds; this is what you eat if you don’t care about gaining weight; this is what you eat when prom is coming up and you need to lose the 10 pounds; this is how to cook ramen; this is how to eat ramen raw if you are too lazy to boil water; this is how to go out and have fun with friends and live life; but my friends don’t go out except for school projects; you mean to say that you cope with your hormonal, adolescent, end-of-the world struggles by surrounding yourself with friends who can barely cope with their own?
I am completely broken and shattered at this point. I was stressed out a month ago, burnt out a week ago, and now I'm paralyzed in anxiety and self-hate. I hate admitting that I can't-that I can't handle the pressures placed upon me. I can't handle rejection. I can't handle people.
And it hurts so damn much to go from believing everything was possible to thinking that nothing is.
I know I'm depressed, panicked, anxious, but I feel too weak to make it all go away. I wish so badly that I could go back just a little and undo it all before it got this bad. I wish I could protect myself from how self-destructive this has all been. But the more I run things through my fickle head, the more I realize that I couldn't have, which actually makes it worse.
Walking home last night, the bruise on my left heal got especially swollen. It's been there for a week or so, but I ignored it thinking it would go away. My stride became a limp, and I now I'm working on putting as little pressure on my foot as possible because God forbid that I'll be unable to walk during graduation (which is in 3 days).
I can't help but smile a little, because I love poetic shit like this. My physical inability to move forward is forcing me to internalize the necessity of letting go.
Don't know how long this will last, but I know I'm going to be ok.
I don't know how things got so messy. My brother said to write down everything that hurts-a checklist of all my stressors-so I could laugh at all of this once it's over:
Every ounce of me really hurts right now, and I'm having a hard time fighting it.
It was the high of it all. Of thinking, knowing that anything was possible. Of spontaneous adventures, endless creativity, the uncertain future. Nothing's changed but we're getting closer to the inevitable end of some of that. The immediate future is no longer hazy-its reality is sinking in. Premeditated regret of how I'll fall weighs heavily, but there's a chance I can fight to stop it if it hasn't happened yet.
I made a long post about anxiety, and it was my first post to accidentally delete when I reloaded the page.
Here's to hoping there's some poetic significance there.
I'm walking away from China Ball worse than I was last year and the same as I was in 8th grade's winter formal.
I guess I lied and it does hurt like heartbreak. It really fucking hurts.
Jesus what did I do to deserve this?
I'm working on acceptance and reality. It's tough when your head goes so many places, but I'm consciously trying to tell myself to stop. One step at a time now. You've got this.
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."