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DODR LOG
“At the end of the day we’re looking at the same sky” -Mama Inciting event: -fight with Jashua -jashua wanted to split, was microdosing when I received the news -huge lack of sleep -period -new mood pills -refusal to feel the pain because knew I would spiral into depression -reading a course in miracles and affirming only love Gradually slipped into depersonalization over the span of a week 8/24 el Segundo art walk, first day feeling fully disassociated 8/25 realized it’s not going away, every plan gets cancelled 8/26 Justine texted about job opportunity, forest with Miko, went to rowland, told mama who at first said “to be honest, I didn’t think you normally live in reality anyway” but then eventually softened up and became so much help the whole weekend 8/27: Finally feel normal again after doing 40 min yoga nidra around 3pm (70% better, feeling in body but head hurting from lack of sleep and still no inner monologue and mind is offline, couldn’t watch a movie with mama or understand a lot of convos/words) took melatonin to go to sleep 8/28 slept 10 hours but still super exhausted and lightheaded, dropped Anthony off at airport, did more yoga nidra and reading DP manual, saw more improvement around 5pm after reading DP manual (80% better now, feeling way more optimistic, still don’t want to overstimulate mind) 8/29 felt at 70% most of the day, but finally came back to culver and surprisingly wasn’t bad at all once I arrived and met jashua, felt at 85-90% driving to culver and still feel that way, jashua was a bit tongue and cheek asking how my “trip” was but I did feel like he lacked empathy/concern, said he was ready to talk but I had the wisdom to tell him I need to prioritize healing fully first, right before bed, creative rush to update my online portfolio (feeling in flow and the way I did when life started picking up in the past 👀👽 honestly feeling better than 100% but realistically it’s more of a 90) realized today the time lock has been lifted 8/30 back to 70-80% 1:1 w/ Miko, channeled for him at the end of our session, also said closing prayer, around 4pm feeling so much peace after doing a yoga nidra, don’t even care about dpdr symptoms, feel a huge alleviation of chronic fatigue after watching cf recovery stories and realizing that recovery is the exact same as dpdr, chronic fatigue is also a freeze response, feeling a bit of the clarity I had last night and on adderall, 90% now at night 8/31 works up at 90% but then early anxiety pushed me back down to 70% for most of the day, was very difficult and feeling a bit depressed, called Jonathan, but it started getting better when I went outside to read and then even better when I watched “little miss sunshine” and “the office” at night, began feeling at 90% again 9/1 have stayed around 90% whole day, yoga and brunch with Ashley early on def helped so much, cognitive functioning still not all the way there but have been at peace and feeling optimistic most of the day which is exactly where I need to be to heal 9/2 NEW MOON IN VIRGO 85-90% talk w/ jashua in the morning confirming he still wants to split. I’ve surrendered to this reality, I trust the universe is sending someone more compatible, in the meantime I need to focus on recovering, felt shitty most of the day, cried a lot to the point where I was hyperventilating, but things shifted by afternoon after going outside and doing my 5th yoga nidra of the day, feeling a lot calmer now, had a really good interaction w/ jashua when he came home from work and we took a drive to whole foods for him to sign paperwork, feeling at 100% rn, late night drive, went for a walk at veterans, jashua called me pretty omg 9/3 90-95% texted Justine, feeling pretty good but also exhausted, I’m assuming it’s just an effect of all the effort I’ve been putting into healing disassociation, talk w/ Justine, not sure if I want this position anymore because she emphasized it was stressful, feeling peaceful and at 100% 9/4 90% texted Justine to say that I don’t want the position, feeling exhausted, but just meditated (for the first time in over a week) and felt an instant rush of peace 10 min in after constantly affirming that I am healed, I trust that life is actually getting better and better, I’ve never had to exercise my faith as much as this point in life, felt a bit like shit and cried so hard to jashua in the afternoon, felt so much better and lighter shortly after, began reading “the brain’s way of healing” before sleep and for the first time I’m learning that you can cure ADHD, feeling 100% 9/5 woke up feeling hopeful at 95%, reading brain book outside and honestly feel so hopeful, I feel like I understand how to free myself of chronic anxiety now too, had a 1:1 w/ Miko and left feeling super disconnected & disinterested, like none of the stuff really resonated, I suspect maybe I’m not meant to do the type of energy healing he does? Also there was a moment where he said some things that triggered my ego and I called it out but in a neutral way and we were able to have a good convo about it where he admitted that he often says things that trigger people and I admitted that my ego clearly became defensive by perceived criticism, it was handled really well tbh, feel like I’m in the twilight zone with this and jashua being so distant, on the positive side, still at 95% 9/6 woke up at 90-95% feeling a bit anxious, felt like shit for most of today, but finally feeling so much peace starting around 6:30, reading “ask and it is given” to shore me up some more 9/7 woke up at 90-95% immediately meditated, did yoga nidra, and read ask and it is given to put myself in a good vibration, felt fatigued but did yoga nidra and felt so much better, feeling so hopeful for where I’m headed, felt super anxious and shitty midday worrying about attending Nicole’s bday but went for a walk and did a nidra when I got back and I feel so much better, went to Nicole’s bday, felt great 95% still but no fatigue, just normal tiredness, left once my social battery drained, super happy and proud of myself 9/8 felt 90-90% whole day, anxious, got dinner with Jonathan 9/9 90-95% but was able to maintain a calm mood the whole day, went to Kenneth Han and costco, eventually at night watched some manifestation vids and realized that I could speed things up by accepting where I was, also kept affirming that I’m already healthy, just allowing 3D to catch up, didn’t feel anxious at all when jashua got home at night, had a dream at night where Jashua was asking for money in a genuine non egoic way, he didn’t have any left, at first I was hesitant until I realized he only needed $20, afterwards we hugged genuinely 9/10 finally the heat wave has passed 🥳 feeling at 98% this morning, had a bit of frustration for a little bit but feeling so much better again, watching Hilda (Jonathan’s rec), talked to my brain and realized it’s so defeated, feels like it’s better off playing defense since it thinks there’s no result with playing offense, it feels like life is just continuously overwhelming and it would rather pause any progress than occur more heartache and disappointment, it’s so defeated and overwhelmed, comforted and consoled my brain, apologized and said things are going to be better, inciting incident (Covid streaming tarot, then exhaustion) was just my inner being showing me that I needed to pace myself in life, I can see how I continued to overachieve nonstop from Twitch to Mattel to jashua to spirituality and even healing, and continuously put so much pressure on myself to be all together to the point where I kept breaking down and reinforcing that I needed to overachieve to just exist, even now I’ve been putting pressure to figure things out, but now I realize that I can change that, I can comfort and console my mind and give myself a genuine new start, approach life more easygoing and accept help from the divine, clarifying talk with Jashua based in love and appreciation and ended with a hug, mama said “go girl!”, started doing progressive muscle relaxation (saw a dpdr recovery success story based on it) 9/11 95%, OBGYN visit, went out early for appt and read a little in the park, came back feeling pretty fatigued but worked on non-reaction knowing it was an adjustment period and an opportunity to level up, feeling really good around 5pm knowing that I’m already healed, still feeling super good at 7:30, it’s not like the other nights where there was a pocket of peace in the middle of a storm, this feels more like a shift, I’m more sure than ever that I’m on the right track, that life is going to be better than ever, feeling great, super grateful, feel so good and normal 9/12 woke up feeling great at first but then so much anxiety plus period started, 95% again, felt shitty but did a yoga nidra and had a vision (like an SAT) where jashua came home and asked me for a hug, it felt so real, feeling so much calmer now after taking magnesium(starting around 5pm), read Ask and it is given technique #21 and have been using a brain training exercise to greatly reduce pain from cramps 😱 feeling so much peace right now, asked jashua to go for a walk at night, ended up bringing up a lot of hard topics mainly wondering why he hasn’t once initiated asking he how I’ve been doing while I’ve been going through disassociation, he basically said that he has compartmentalized me, I went from his friend, best friend, to woman, and now that I’m not his woman, there’s no going back? Basically this is how he deals with all his relationships, felt like an all or nothing thing, a bit cold, I think he’s being a bit numb about it all, ngl reminds me of when O broke my heart and then acted all nonchalant that night he got me high, tbh this is the final clarity I need to know that jashua isn’t my person, it’s like in that moment he became a stranger, not the person I thought I was in a relationship with, it cut through all the sentiment and put everything else into perspective because this isn’t inconsistent with his other behavior, so it was never really me, he just never could be the person I needed, nomatter why i often felt gaslighted and constantly felt like we needed to break up, it wasn’t all insecurity, it was also part intuition, it wasn’t ego that was unhappy in the relationship, my soul was hurting too, his reaction is so opposite to how I’ve reacted to all of this, so incredibly incompatible and a bit antithetical to the spiritual perspective, lacking empathy and emotional intelligence, feels more like an ego response, he said it’s more of how men deal v women deal, sounds more like how a boy deals v a mature person would deal, but it all sounded so absurd that I couldn’t really personalize it this time, I have a strong feeling he’s going to have to face all of his lessons again (spiritual, relationship, financial), and I know one day he’ll see this all differently and give me a genuine heartfelt apology when he realizes that he’s the common denominator and that he took me for grant d, he just took an easy temporary out, spiritual bypassing, i kind of dodged bullet tbh, had to learn my lessons the hard way but at least the cycles are ending, and it’s a bit of a relief to now know for sure that this isn’t who the universe has in mind for my divine partnership, that there’s actually someone better on the way, we talked a bit more, he did reiterate that he still has love for my existence (even though he has a weird was of showing it), I cried a bit talking about what’s happened but it was more of a release, we also talked about spirituality and neuroscience and life and he surprisingly said that he’s looking forward to the next “game” aka his next life which is so different from his past perspective of just wanting to be done with it all in this life, he also had mentioned that he spent today daydreaming about his future kids and crossing a street with them which was cute, I actually felt really good and normal talking with him, it just flowed, a bit of surrender and awareness of the comedy of life, realizing your ego will keep fighting for a situation until it becomes embarrassing to keep fighting for? 9/13 95% most of today and felt really good despite my period and had moments of processing heavy emotion through yoga nidra, at night felt amazing meditating and affirming my future reality, at one point felt strong emotionally charged food cravings but practiced nonreaction and they actually faded 🥳, great interaction with Jashua when he came home from work, watched “death becomes her” and had so much fun, feeling more normal than ever now 9/14 Saturday, was being very close and cutesy with Jashua sitting next to him and leaning on him, ended up giving him head after I leaned on his shoulder and he confirmed that we were still together, he spilled so many affirmations on me like how I’m beautiful, perfect, lovable, that the unconsciousness I displayed was actually good for him, and he said it would be a blessing to have a daughter like me, he also said “I believe I love you unconditionally” haha, tbh I’m not surprised because this is a natural result of my self concept improving, and I never wavered in treating jashua as lovingly as possible, i still think jashua is very in his ego and not sure about the longevity of us but I’m willing to just keep focusing on myself and reaping the 3D benefits, felt so anxious and fatigued after Miko practical, probs because of the spiritual work and socializing, but also so worried about the implications of being “back” with Jashua, and feeling so low about myself, worried that my health was not going to improve, all the old/fresh debilitating fears flooding in, but then after a few hours of sitting with the fear, i listened to Abraham and something clicked, i realized that I don’t need to worry, that this is a continued opportunity to grow and release old cycles (a simple adjustment period), that his ego can never pose any real threat to my soul, that there is nothing to be afraid of and I’m still on track for my own liberation, I don’t need to react to fear, just need to let it pass through, and once I’m truly out of this cycle, once there is no more fear keeping us attached, a loving path forward will naturally open up, my self love and wellbeing is not contingent upon any circumstance, I can maintain it always, feeling so much calmer now, the fear has passed for now 9/16 yesterday was rough, a lot of remnants of 2 days ago, BUT I went to sleep last night discovering that we’ve been an eclipse portal and I felt a sense of peace and clarity with why this past month has been so rough, I woke up feeling pretty good and immediately did a yoga nidra once I felt anxiety, as well as 2 meditations affirming my health and well-being and ngl I feel really great and high right now, the DPDR is still here but it feels like a lot of the fatigue has lifted especially since my period is dwindling down, and overall I’m in such a good mood, gonna keep up what I’ve been doing and trust that it’ll all make sense when I get to the other side, still feeling really good at night, barely noticing DPDR, listening to subliminals to help work on my self concept, enjoying watching a movie rn 🥳 the best night I’ve had in a while, jashua came home with flowers for me (one of the best bouquets he’s ever gotten me) thanking me for “holding it down” and I felt nothing, and honestly my non-reaction was so awkward, but I’m learning to not feel guilty, I’m allowed to react and feel the way I feel 9/17 lunar north node eclipse in Pisces (super full moon), eclipse portal opening tonight, homestretch and definitely feeling it all and being continuously forced to surrender, text from Lillian “Girlll, Im not sure if you follow moon phases, but this full moon in Pisces is having me go through it 😩😩,” spoke with Jashua’s higher self in Kenneth Han, both apologizing for our unconscious cocreation, reminiscing, and saying that we unconditionally love each other, “jashua, what do I do?” “It’s not about what you do, it’s about how you feel”, watched freetea vid about askfirmations 😱, had a really good talk w/ jashua about what I’ve been going through, ty universe ❤️ 9/25 car ride to a park with Jashua on his bday around 6pm, affirmed “why do I feel so good” “how did I heal so quickly” went from fatigue and headaches to feeling fully energized for the first time in years, it fucking worked, ps also started doing BOTEC 3 days ago and today started listening to Joe dispensas “you are the placebo” 9/27 last night decided I don’t have sleep apnea anymore, didn’t us the machine, just woke up feeling great, never using the machine again 10/2 new moon in libra (solar south node eclipse), on a whim, checked, and was able to schedule a zoom coherence session with dr. Joe dispenza’s official group 🥺❤️ 10/3 listening to Joe dispenza “you are the placebo” and realized that Papas way more suggestible and I’m way more analytical, called Mama to suggest that maybe Papa would do really great with placebo treatment 👀 all this time we’ve been trying to communicate to him the way we understand things but maybe he needs a treatment that will be compatible with the way he thinks, a placebo miracle, as long as he believes it, it will work, just a seed rn but mama and I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time 10/4 hung out with Mira and Kady, had a moment where Mira’s reaction to something I said triggered a huge wave of old insecurities and guilt and felt exhausted immediately after, luckily I went home and meditated and tried my best to hold space and not judge knowing that this was an adjustment period of sorts, ended the night creating my vision board and listening to “you are the placebo.” VISION BOARD was a big win 🥳 especially since I didn’t have much motivation at first but I took it one step at a time and before I knew it, it was done! I literally had to disassemble and burn my old story (the post it’s mapping of my memoir) and cut up the original poster board in order to create my future story/vision board. Was pretty symbolic, like a ceremony of sorts even though I wasn’t too focused on the emotions of it otherwise I would’ve been too stuck in my head and have never been able to move forward and just do it. Afterward was still tired but the heaviness alleviated and I felt more neutral, and I LOVE MY VISION BOARD 🥲 so proud of how it turned out, I still got it 10/5 woke up moderately tired, did BOTEC meditation as usual and my morning routine, midday now and realized I’ve been feeling pretty great today, my energy levels feel super normal, so incredibly grateful knowing that I’m on the right track, my faith is stronger than ever that I’m already healed and I just need to keep on going, cleaning and storing cpap machine today because I no longer need it 🙌🙌🙌, I have so much to celebrate eclipse (9/17) - equinox (9/22) - eclipse (10/2) TAROT LAW OF ATTRACTION CHANNEL Realized that I mainly moderated social interactions with guilt, fear & shame. And since that doesn’t exist with DPDR, it feels like I’ve been free falling through convos Realized I’ve been in my Saturn return, that checks out A side effect of healing DPDR has been healing my chronic fatigue 🥳 (learned about brain retraining which is essentially like Dr. John Sarno’s book and because now my conviction is stronger than ever, I feel like I finally have the missing puzzle piece to truly heal once and for all). “CFS RECOVERY” yt channel is a godsend, the equivalent of DPDR Manual or Healing Back Pain Dpdr: feels like you’re high without having taken a substance, emotionally numb, mind is offline, meaning of words aren’t sinking in, memory and time come and goes in waves, not feeling in your body, sounds are far away from source, a stranger in your own body, Loss of taste and smell, tested twice for Covid but came up negative, Loss of inner monologue, Feeling like you’re in a dream ADHD = overstimulation, DPDR = numb/understimulation DPDRMANUAL:https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ct47hykr9vlzbzoupxlu9/DPDR-Manual.pdf?rlkey=p5qnjwjnguu4p22goewdqpc43&e=4&dl=0 Jashuasentthis:https://open.spotify.com/track/65kk9CAAqFI3LWBEhUwVqd?si=SMI3utdhSTWdn303yNQAVA VID ON TALKING TO BODY TO HEAL (9/10): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cjzp8vDol8 With dpdr, silver lining is I feel no anxiety (numb) and have very few thoughts in my head, forced to be very present because memory isn’t functioning well, in a way, I’m experiencing a lot of peace, and able to see how unnecessarily fast-paced mama and Anthony are Part of me can see the spiritual lesson of surrender in this experience and sensation, it’s like I have no choice but to “let the cork float, let go of the oars going upstream” I see more than ever how unnecessary anxiety is and how most of my running thoughts stem from my emotions I don’t have interrupting thoughts atm, it’s like the opposite of adhd, one thought at a time I also know that this experience is making me so much more empathetic for the human condition Realizing there’s nothing I can do to making jashua feel secure but there’s everything I can do to do it for myself Jashua has been reacting to a version of me that I don’t even like All I can do is let the emotion of anxiety pass without attaching thought to it, it’s become obvious any thought I attach is paranoid anxiety doesn’t need to be entertained and perpetuated, it just needs to be dignified and then released “Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” (future me's note: felt fully healed by sometime November: vision and taste finally came back fully) It doesn’t matter how long it took to get here, I’m just glad I’m here, that it’s all gonna be ok now, thank you universe
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Dear Mama
I’m 24 now. I graduated top of my class in high school and from UCLA film. I work remotely editing social media videos and currently live at home with you and papa. You guys aren’t the same anymore. But neither am I. The world has gone crazy. My world has become small. I’ve been to therapy, taken pills, talked for hours with friends I can barely keep. I can’t get through a day without crying. Something’s wrong but nothing is making it better. I pour out all my pain through puffy eyes and muffled sobs only to realize that it’s still imbedded deep in me. You can’t get rid of the heartache if it’s you breaking your own heart. The therapist says I’m depressed. It’s true. And all I can do is spew cliches that people temporarily tend to because their lives are for living, while mine is for surviving. I’ve watched people around me grow while I keep falling apart. I don’t know who I am. All my energy is being expended on seeking validation from a world that I’ve exponentially felt alien in. And it’s torn at every ounce of confidence I’ve once held. I can’t keep up. I feel the loneliest I have in my entire life. All that enthusiasm and bold hope I once embodied feels stupid and immature now. I keep trying to explain myself because I crave understanding, but the older I get, the more confused I’ve become. I used to tell you all my problems. But somewhere along the way I realized that you’re only human. You hurt and break as well. Dear Mama, living is the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced, the good moments feel temporary, the bad feel absolute, and I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm growing. I had to give up a collage animation project today, but Tyle called out of the blue and it feels like a sign I did what's right. I feel comforted right now.
FEARS
it's been a while since i've made a post, but i feel like it's about time i made my thoughts tangible again. sometimes i need reminding
my memories are etched in hearsay
was is never as true as is so i fill the holes with lies if it feels real isn't it real? the long pauses my hesitation his indecision his contempt for it his bravado a mask ironic that's all he became that's all i became the world is your mirror he feared what he was and i became what he was words unspoken thoughts inferred past rejections keeping us mute i’d rather annoy him than make myself weak "you may forget my face, but you won't forget my bite" he'd rather let go than risk feeling unwanted but i think he knew and there was something daring in his tone he always wanted me to jump probably wondered why he couldn't do it himself but we never knew what was waiting on impact i never felt further away than when he was right here but i can feel it his hesitation my indecision my contempt for it my bravado a mask ironic that's all i became my memories are etched in hearsay was is never as true as is so i fill the holes with lies if it feels real isn't it real? let me propose another one he does the same since when did almond eyes
become waters for you to test what gave you the confidence to dive into those dark glossy pools and assume you could contaminate them with fear no really answer me i’m genuinely confused how much narcissism does it take to only see the surface and suppose it knows every crevice to dive into the unknown and still think it’s their game who are you protecting by lacerating an innocent child disabling an unassuming grandparent tell me why are women more likely to be attacked plenty of fish in the sea but yet you target those who are more likely to float who is this saving tell me you don’t even dip your toes you dive head first you’re in deep waters but you still think it’s a kiddie pool air and plastic easy to burst dispensable let me spell it out for you the Chinese soul is ”-characterized by anguished and inarticulated love as a consequence of disciplined emotions.” no almond eyes aren’t waters for you to test they’re windows to our soul but we never let you in they’re mirrors for your ignorance but we never asked for it you’re attacking yourself so why are we the ones reflecting the pain you know what happens when you try to pollute a pure soul? you make blood boil so next time you want to swim with the Chinese go swim with the fishes first for the first time in a long time she was speechless
words no longer sufficed the pain of her heart pressed heavier than the weight of her voice it was excruciating it was sublime to be able to feel the fissures of her existence stretched to its limits it was human to the core existential she felt privileged a low that felt high a high that felt infinite and as much as it tamed her she desired for everything to cease existing the memories of when they first met his presence invasive her predisposition shy his eyes digging her refusal to reciprocate the flashes of his camera she didn’t like his naked eye but his third eye she didn’t resist and she didn’t know it then but she had fallen hard at first it felt like relief a free spirit letting her walls down for once “You opened up my mind” she told him “Now you have to open up the rest of me” the second time the third time the fourth the fifth the sixth the seventh each time they met she was sure it would be the last and each time her heart soared suffered mourned healed then broke again and each time she had so much to say as if volume of words would convey volume of desire volume of pain but her words never did much one word from him did more than a thousand from her his silence echoed louder than her screams so for the first time in a long time she was speechless words no longer sufficed and the pain of her heart pressed heavier than the weight of her voice *written while listening to this song* |
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
-Alice Kingsley Archives
September 2020
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