You were a crazy ride ♥
It's time I got off and start a new one
Just over a hour ago, Jenny and I left the Chainsmokers concert to discover we were robbed. All the documents from her glove compartment were scattered on the passenger side seat. Her right rear car window was shattered. Our cameras, purses, wallets, jackets, and my gift for Jenny were stolen.
I actually don't feel bad about the material possessions, those are replaceable.
But I'm heartbroken over my camera, particularly the SD card. I know the robber doesn't need it, but I do. So many fucking memories on the thing and they're all gone. Can't even finish my TCIC 3.0 because the project was stored on the card.
I've always wanted something bigger than life to happen to me, and I've always wanted a clean fresh start. So did I ask for this to happen?
-Lost and numb
My interactions with people are very trying. I enter conversations and situations fine, but I often leave them feeling immense inaqdequacy. My mind becomes suffocated with the residuals of the awkward silences, the things I forgot to say, the boring tangents I go on, the times my words stepped over someone else's, and it refuses to let go the next day long after the people are gone and I'm back home.
Is this normal? Is something wrong with me?
Tonight is going to be Christmas Eve
Papa and Koko are in downtown working
Mama is making green juice
Tyle is helping Mama but he will get back to gaming once he's done
Anthony is napping
I just watched Trisha Paytas' latest video and it's surprisingly full of hope after her frenetic downward spiral for the last two weeks
And you know what? I can't find a rational worry to fixate upon
I have a lot of random thoughts floating around and I've been trying to piece them into one cohesive post, but, after deleting a few attempts, I don't think there is a puzzle to solve. I'm just going to force myself to commit to this one.
I've been having a pretty OK winter break so far. The initial optimism faded into stressing about my to-do list, film school, friends, and family, but now I'm trying to stop thinking so much. It's just a paradox of wasted time.
I finally finished the lastest season last night, and it was a lackluster end to a dark and beautiful series. No television show has made me feel this much anxiety and guilt all while exascerbatating my existing insecurities, so mission accomplished Charlie Brooker.
(p.s. food for my hungry eyes)
Distance makes the heart grow fonder with friends and family. I think I'm slowly coming to terms with that and it's ok. We always dream up amazing things we'll do together when we have the time, but when the latter comes, the former rarely does.
I've been gaining weight, and I've been throwing up. It's terrible and I keep telling myself I will stop. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose to feel something, but most of the time I'm bored. My thoughts consume me so I consume my surroundings-a lopsided equilibrium, but one nonetheless.
At the end of the day, I sleep to dream again
I GOT INTO FILM SCHOOL
overwhelmed but exactly where I need to be
It's a day later and I've had time to reflect on why I'm going to do it, but with so much hesitation and resistance. Why is my decision based on potential regret rather than present triumph?
1) TFT's admissions consciously decided to disregard all internal applicants last year. If it weren't for Bryan (who fucking didn't even make it), I wouldn't have been admitted:
This is what I wanted all along but now I'm fucking scared I'm making the wrong decision. Does the film industry really have any more room for film majors? Would they be more perceptive to an economics major? Do I even need film school to do film? Am I capable on my own? Will I graduate in time?
All I know is I want to make films. God please help me get there.
Yesterday my dad was Santa
I'm honestly really happy right now and there's nothing more to it.
The little and big moments in the past week:
I know these moments don't last forever, but I just want to enjoy it all while it lasts.
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."