I've been trying to pinpoint this loneliness, why I feel so jealous of others, and why I also feel so left out, abandoned, and rejected.
I guess deep down I want someone to take care of me, someone who is able to already take care of themselves. I wish there was a healthy version of this that I could rely on. If someone could just sit with me and I would't feel pressured to prove or explain myself to them. The problem is that people who know how to take care of themselves know that it's a bad idea to allow someone like me to depend on them.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want someone to make me whole. I want to be able to handle myself.
I told Judy about all that's been going on with my family
she asked me if I felt relief
you know what?
I’m panicking so much this morning. I’m so exhausted with hating myself so much but it keeps on going. People say it’s just an emotion and it’ll eventually get better but the root issue is myself. I understand other people may get depressed out of the blue or have something severe happen to them to lead them to a low emotional point. But I feel like I’m just reacting to the culmination of everything I am. I get depressed remembering who I am and how much I don’t like most of it. I try to distract myself with going out and hanging around friends but I either feel worse or barely can ignore my feelings. My family loves me but they really can’t support me in the way I need because I don’t even know what I need. I feel so incredibly isolated. I feel too overwhelmed to function normally. I know how ridiculous all of this sounds because other people who have genuine hardship would kill to be in my external situation. I don’t know what to do because I really don’t believe I’m going to get better. All I know is that everything keeps feeling bad and I don’t blame anyone but me.
I had my second shroom trip yesterday, a week after my first one
2.3 grams lemon tek
It was an incredibly painful, but potentially necessary, trip. I won't be too detailed but I'll jot down main moments
Yesterday I tripped on mushrooms.
Mama was my tripsitter.
Wednesday night before
lemon tek 1:20
Judy told me to write down that I am trying my best at any given moment. She suggested I try acts of altruism.
everything is changing
i'm afraid i can't handle it
My therapist asked me to question all these standards I place on myself.
To just imagine that I am enough regardless of what I do and what I know.
This is going to be hard.
But it's food for thought.
Some of the most intelligent, creative people are undefined
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."