i don't care how much you love your family,
your friends, that boy you can't stop thinking about, that job that you kind of tolerate, that project that fills your soul, don't forget you need to be selfish that you need to make your world revolve around yourself you're not a saint for putting them all first, silently hoping for the same in return you're not the victim for always saying you deserve more but giving yourself less don't assume someone or something is going to prioritize you it's a privilege so don't anticipate it like a right when you give your everything don't be surprised if it doesn't come back whole expect whatever you hand off to potentially come back broken be ok with it let that be the expectation sometimes there will be exceptions when you can only give pieces and someone gives you far more than you can reciprocate and it'll be nice maybe it'll feel like too much but cherish it remember it's rare so please don't forget you need to be selfish that you need to make your world revolve around yourself
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Just got back from Thanksgiving break in NorCal with Mama, Tyle & Anthony. Got to catch up with Joanna too.
I think I can really feel new inklings of acceptance and understanding in me. I don't know how to articulate it, and I don't know if I even care to try. I guess the best way to describe it is that things feel manageable now. I feel like there are longer pauses between an action and my reaction. Like I can catch my breath before the air around me gets too tight. I feel loved. Not like I found love. But that I can feel the love that has been there all along. The love that I already earned. That people have been trying to get me to see all this time. I'm not blinded by a delusional high, I'm grounded in the very real norm, and I'm learning that this can be enough. i'm starting to realize that the point of life is to distract yourself to the point where you can't think about how it's all meaningless
I've been trying to pinpoint this loneliness, why I feel so jealous of others, and why I also feel so left out, abandoned, and rejected.
I guess deep down I want someone to take care of me, someone who is able to already take care of themself. I wish there was a healthy version of this that I could rely on. If someone could just sit with me and I would't feel pressured to prove or explain myself to them. The problem is that people who know how to take care of themselves know that it's a bad idea to allow someone like me to depend on them. I don't want to be like this. I don't want someone to make me whole. I want to be able to handle myself. I told Judy about all that's been going on with my family she asked me if I felt relief you know what? I do
I’m panicking so much this morning. I’m so exhausted with hating myself so much but it keeps on going. People say it’s just an emotion and it’ll eventually get better but the root issue is myself. I understand other people may get depressed out of the blue or have something severe happen to them to lead them to a low emotional point. But I feel like I’m just reacting to the culmination of everything I am. I get depressed remembering who I am and how much I don’t like most of it. I try to distract myself with going out and hanging around friends but I either feel worse or barely can ignore my feelings. My family loves me but they really can’t support me in the way I need because I don’t even know what I need. I feel so incredibly isolated. I feel too overwhelmed to function normally. I know how ridiculous all of this sounds because other people who have genuine hardship would kill to be in my external situation. I don’t know what to do because I really don’t believe I’m going to get better. All I know is that everything keeps feeling bad and I don’t blame anyone but me.
I had my second shroom trip yesterday, a week after my first one
2.3 grams lemon tek It was an incredibly painful, but potentially necessary, trip. I won't be too detailed but I'll jot down main moments
Takeaways
THIS SONG Yesterday I tripped on mushrooms.
Mama was my tripsitter. Wednesday night before
lemon tek 1:20
takeaways
Judy told me to write down that I am trying my best at any given moment. She suggested I try acts of altruism.
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"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
-Alice Kingsley Archives
September 2020
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