It's been so incredibly difficult and tearstained but I'm really fighting for myself this time. I don't even know where my hope is coming from anymore: it's small but it's there and I'm hanging on to it because it's all I got. I'm really trying to focus on things not being my fault. I have faith that things will turn around eventually.
I feel so suffocated
I feel constant pressure to be what I'm not but what I so desperately want
I feel wasted potential
I can't breathe
I need space
I don't know how to find it
this all hurts so bad
I’m trying so hard but I feel myself giving in to all my vices.
Focusing on self-improvement makes it that much harder.
Every victory feels minute and transient.
I get frustrated and want so badly to lash out.
I know I’ve been in this position before but somehow the familiarity makes it more discouraging than comforting; as if I already know that even if I do get out of this low, I’ll eventually fall back in.
Have you ever despised yourself so much that you can’t foresee yourself ever being happy again? That’s what I’ve been feeling lately and it hurts so much. I’m jaded and desperate for hope.
“Shoot me to the moon, I never figured out earth”
I thrive, shine when I feel independent. It’s easy. But then it always stops being so easy.
When I’m low and need help, it conflicts with my ideal self identity, the Sabrina that I try so hard to curate. That’s why I always say I feel like 2 separate personalities. Every time I reach a good place, when I finally feel like I’m enough, it feels like I’ve surpassed, erased all the bad that preceded it. But that’s not true. I have yet to fully come to terms with my weaknesses, with all of me. I’m always shoving the flawed, scared bits deep down, trying so hard to hide and forget they exist. But it’s all a part of me, and people don’t come in compartmentalized parts. As long as there’s a glossy happy side of me, there will always exist a depressed messy side. And I’m slowly realizing that it’s not my fault when the bad parts resurface.
I don’t know how to handle myself when I’m a mess; I keep thinking “this isn’t me.” I’ll be the first to open up because I crave understanding, but I’m terrible at accepting help. I have a hard time with the concept of trust even in myself. I don’t like to rely on others. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, desperate, pathetic, and so incredibly uncomfortable. I think the premeditation of these feelings only intensify them when they come. To mitigate, my conversations are littered with defensive disclaimers and “I know’s.” I’ll be the first to bring up everything that’s wrong with me, because God forbid someone assume I need their assessment, that I’m not self-contained enough to figure it out myself. I’m tired of micromanaging my feelings, my life. It’s exhausting. I don’t know who I’m trying more desperately to maintain this pretense for: them or me?
I get so fixated on self-improvement that I often find myself frustrated with anything that reflects all the traits I hate in myself. I guess I’m unable to separate my identity from my context. I often feel like a product of my environment, lacking any real agency. In these situations I feel bitter and mean. You’d think that I’d be empathetic, but instead I react in the same way I’d react to myself. The anger comes from embarrassment and the inability to “fix” what makes me uncomfortable whether it be the situation or the feeling.
I struggle so much with my perception of independence that I have yet to actually attain it. I think true independence has to be predicated on self-love and the capacity to accept my flaws instead of reject them. I need so badly to be able to tell myself that I’m going to be ok and to actually believe it. I am not there yet, and this realization makes me feel paralyzed, stuck.
I’m working on being better, coping better, instead of just imagining what “better” should be. I’m stubborn and impatient. I hate that it has to take time, but I have to just let it happen or else I will continue to float in this limbo. Reality isn’t romantic or sensational. I’m just trying to grow up.
I'm having a really hard time staying motivated and keeping my mood at a normal level. I feel really trapped and it fucking sucks waiting for the universe to fix it for me. I really am trying to be more mindful and take little steps to help my mental state (eating more consciously, exercise, think I'm going to pick up meditating daily as well). But right now I can't help feeling low.
I hate that my predominant emotion lately is fear. I can still feel excited and laugh but my heart keeps sinking everytime it gets momentry relief.
I'm conditioning myself to let go until after my family's Hawaii trip next week. I know vacations are usually relaxing and exciting, but it's always so stressful and intimidating for me. I know I need to push past all my feelings and do my best to soak in moments. I'm tired of all my anxiety. I'm tired of caring so much.
I'm currently ready The Bell Jar that Anthony gave me for my bday when I was the happiest. It's extremely relevant to where I am right now.
I'm still in a mood and I can't pinpoint how to make it go away. I really hate getting into this sort of panic mode; it feels too familiar yet such a 180 from when I'm my sparkly best. Right now I feel so empty and unmotivated.
I don't know if this is my version of seasonal depression. I really hate the summer. It's right around the corner. I guess it's been years in the making, but it feels so ridiculous to think that a time of the year can really have this great of an effect on me. Or is it just because this time of year is just usually slow for me? I'm just at a point where I feel so lacking in depth, meaning, confidence, etc. Can summer really be this depressing?
anxiety is constant anticipation of the future and, for me, an inability to focus on the present
i think all my current overthinking has to be fueled by my inactivity
if i'm not busy, i'm just worried about the next time i will be
i'm worried that i'm currently wasting away all this time that could potentially save me from future stress, which is so stupid because it's causing me current stress
i can't stop processing the same check lists in my head over and over and over again
i can't stop
i guess it's because i'm not happy
so my mind isn't at peace right now
it's scrambling to figure out how to make me happy but there's no answer at the moment
it's just making my current unhappy state even worse
i know eventually my situation will get better but i really would love it if i had something to do with it, if i could use this as a chance to fight my vices rather than let them consume me like they always do
i guess i am feeling lonely and mildly sad
i'm really trying my best to let go and not panic
i know things have a way of working out
i just need to trust it'll be ok
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."