Ozzy bby ❤️
Don’t worry this isn’t a love note, it’s a thank you note. Figures I make your bday about me haha.
So thank you b. Thanks for being so real, and surprisingly patient, and sometimes sweet, and for making me feel special for just being me.
You don’t treat me like some prize to be won, or like some soulmate who’s supposed to make you whole. You treat me like a human being that you can admit you’re attracted to like it’s simply a fact, and I kinda fuck with that. A lot. I test you without realizing, and you always dodge every turn because you’re so above it. Bless your patience.
I can’t say what I really feel for you because, you’re right, we literally just met. ALSO, I can’t even remember if your face is cute or not 🙄. But if you left this much of an impression on me just with one meet up, a bitch can hypothesize a shit ton. Trust me, I am very self aware, just lacking in self control 🙃. The best and worst part is that you never even have to try. I’m literally having one-sided dialogues right and left. Fuck👏you👏. Either way, you are something surprisingly consistent in the chaos of my manic pixie facade: an endearing asshole, nothing else, nothing less. And I dig it. Hard.
You may be someone I want currently, and that can change, but your honesty and no bullshit personality is something I didn’t know I needed to experience, and I have a feeling that will stick with me long after I block your ass 💋
Happy Birthday babe 😘✨
Hope you’re getting shitfaced right now so you aren’t rolling your eyes too hard ❤️
Love & hate,
You confuse the shit out of me. I thought I already encountered all types of friendzoning from guys in my life, but to be friendzoned by a guy off a dating app is definitely something that blindsighted me.
You confuse me because we get along so fucking well but just as friends. You think I’m pretty and cute but just as friends. You text me a lot and we call each other sporadically but just as friends. You feel comfortable venting to me and indulging who you are to me but just as friends.
I don’t fucking get it.
It’s my fault because, as impulsive as I am, I guess I take time to realize my feelings and I am just starting to realize that I can’t just see you as a friend for now. It hit me yesterday when you mentioned how weird it was that we weren’t completely platonic at earlier points and that you now gush about a girl to me.
I was in denial but on the real, it does hurt. From the moment you began to talk to me about her, I began comparing myself to her. I wondered what put me in the friendzone and what made her worth pursuing. I’m never the girl worth pursuing by the guys who I want to pursue me. Usually it happens with friends so I get that. But I wondered where I fucked up this time, because from my perspective, I met a guy from a dating app who I was first amused by and then got to know and began to really like and care about but who moved on really fast.
I wondered what was wrong with me. I still do.
I began to blame myself for being too intense. I understand why you felt that way, but you have no idea how many times I’ve felt too much for people so that stung a bit. I felt safe talking to you and then I didn’t. I subconsciously began to feel like I needed to censor some of who I was and how I felt to be able to be in your life.
So I immediately reinstated the friendzone and tried to play it cool, because I’m used to this narrative of me being good enough to be a guy’s friend but too much to be more. But honestly, it’s so toxic for me. Whenever I talk to you about guys it doesn’t feel right. Part of me is wondering if you’re slightly jealous. And it’s not good for you if you really want to be with Alex. I’d be thrown off if I was her.
What hurts a lot too is that I’m starting to realize you probably don’t have time for me in your real life. I got really excited about you coming back to LA because I wanted to work on the app and meet you in person. Remember when I said I’d rather prioritize our collaborative friendship than confuse myself with mixed feelings? I feel like I didn’t get either. Instead, I’m having mixed feelings and I’m also realizing that you don’t have time for me, because you already have so much going on.
It really fucking hurts, because I don’t feel like you’ve ever given me a chance. But also, I’m so done trying to prove my worth to guys. This has happened before, and I know the drill. Once again, it’s not your fault. But I’ve learned from past experience that I shouldn’t just ignore how I feel.
I’m not here saying you owe me anything or that you intended for me to feel this way. I just need to be selfish for myself right now, because I do want to be happy with a guy and I want you to be happy with a girl and it would be fucking unfair to them to have this friendship which isn’t completely platonic on my end. I really do care about you, but boy you got me a little fucked up.
Remember when you said you wished a girl would write something about you? Well careful what you wish for because it’s here, and I don’t think it’s what you expected haha.
But on the real, I do appreciate you so much and I do hope that somehow we can really be genuine friends one day without all this gray area. I don’t know how to move forward from here because I am going to fucking miss your hellish job updates and your song recs and your stupid fortnight addiction and your tiktok obsession. But I can’t be a girl who likes a guy who doesn’t like me back for now, not for a bit.
I really hope things go well with you and Alex b. She seems to make you happy and that’s all that matters. I really care about you ok? Just need to care about myself more right now. Go get her b, and make me proud haha.
i can see a future for us
and this time i'm not just daydreaming
Just got back from Thanksgiving break in NorCal with Mama, Tyle & Anthony. Got to catch up with Joanna too.
I think I can really feel new inklings of acceptance and understanding in me. I don't know how to articulate it, and I don't know if I even care to try. I guess the best way to describe it is that things feel manageable now. I feel like there are longer pauses between an action and my reaction. Like I can catch my breath before the air around me gets too tight.
I feel loved. Not like I found love. But that I can feel the love that has been there all along. The love that I already earned. That people have been trying to get me to see all this time.
I'm not blinded by a delusional high, I'm grounded in the very real norm, and I'm learning that this can be enough.
i'm starting to realize that the point of life is to distract yourself to the point where you can't think about how it's all meaningless
I don't understand why life has to hurt so much that it physically hurts. What is wrong with me? Why do I hate myself so much? I'm so sick of asking these questions, I'm so sick of it.
I've been trying to pinpoint this loneliness, why I feel so jealous of others, and why I also feel so left out, abandoned, and rejected.
I guess deep down I want someone to take care of me, someone who is able to already take care of themselves. I wish there was a healthy version of this that I could rely on. If someone could just sit with me and I would't feel pressured to prove or explain myself to them. The problem is that people who know how to take care of themselves know that it's a bad idea to allow someone like me to depend on them.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want someone to make me whole. I want to be able to handle myself.
I told Judy about all that's been going on with my family
she asked me if I felt relief
you know what?
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."