Throughout this low, I've been frustrated on so many levels. On top of the actual depression and anxiety which has completely fucked up my mentality, I'm mad at myself for not being able to accept help and not being able to admit to small wins.
I tell everyone that I'm not ok. I am desperate for some magical solution. But I don't know how to be productive about my situation. My mind goes in circles. My parents are actively trying to help me, but I fight it internally so much. I'm ashamed that I can't figure it out for myself. I hate myself for not being independent. I get frustrated with mama and papa when all they're doing is giving me unconditional love. I don't feel grateful. Instead I judge them. I blame them for being too overprotective. They don't have the answers, so I don't find solace with them. Talking to them doesn't help. My whole response to their help is a big I KNOW. At this point it feels like they want to be my punching bags. They want me to confide, because they are trying to be my surrogates for positivity. I just try to avoid being around them now because I don't know how to come to terms with our relationship. It feels worse to be mad at people who are so understanding and just as hurt by your situation. I know deep down I still love them, but I don't feel it anymore. I feel like a terrible daughter.
I know technically I am having better moments, but I really hate admitting to it. I don't know why I'm so incredibly insecure and pessimistic. Any ounce of positivity I pad with a disclaimer about how terrible my situation is still. I think it's because I'm too scared to hope. I have a mind that runs, and I don't know what to do with small wins. My mind wants them to be more than that, but they're not. It's easier for me to feel suicidal than it is for me to begin to hope again.
There's so much stubborn pride mixed with a fear in my dreamer mentality. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't know where I was going with this post. I had hoped it would be more productive, but these are just some thoughts.
Edit: It's the next day and I realize I'm also hesistant to say that I'm doing better to people who give me advice, especially with my dad and his spiritual regimens, because I don't want him to assume it's his methods that are the reason why. It definitely is a pride thing, but also he is so quick to believe anything will help that I'm so skeptical to believe anything he proposes.
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."