I wrote this in high school, but it feels so damn relevant today:
High School Girl
Set your alarm clock fifteen minutes early everyday to straighten your hair; get a straight perm if that is too much work; a regular curl perm works too; plan out your outfits ahead of time; fix your chipped nail polish so you don’t look like the immature kid that you still are; wear pastel and neon colors in warm weather-dark, rich colors for colder weather; stop eating all that junk food; do not eat your feelings out; save yourself for the freshmen 15; what is the freshman 15?; stop worrying all the time; be positive; no, you are not going through depression; if you are looking up symptoms of depression chances are you are not suicidal or depressed; this is how you have a social life; this is how you have no life; this is how your life becomes synonymous with school; have you already pulled that all-nighter?; this is how you BS your homework; this is how you sleep in class without being noticed; this is how you don’t make empty promises to yourself that it will never happen again; you’ll probably pull the next all-nighter within a week; this is how to talk to guys; this is how to be friends with guys; this is how to keep your friendships with guys you think you like but don’t really like; you know that underclassmen boy you’ve taken a liking to? Yeah, don’t even think about it; why? this is how a guy will break your heart; this is how you will break his heart; this is how to reject a guy if he publicly asks you to the dance, this is how to reject him in private; this is how to behave around your friends; this is how to behave in front of adults so they don’t see the immaturity that you fail to suppress; if you’re feeling lazy, don’t waste time doing nothing-what’s the point in wasting time by being bored?; go on Youtube, pleatedjeans.com, hulu.com, or projectfreetv.com; watch New Girl, The Mindy Project, Modern Family; America’s Next Top Model, Futurama, Family Guy; if all else fails, go on Facebook; this is how to add friends; this is how to take a profile picture; this is how to get likes; this is how to stalk people you hate; this is how to stalk people you like; this is how to properly use emoticons; this is how to not be annoying; this is how to block the annoying people; this is how you wave to your best friend in the hallway; this is how to wave to a classmate; this is how to not look stupid when they do not see your wave; this is how to be happy-or as close to happy as possible for an immature girl like you; this is how to fake being happy; this is how you can tell someone is faking; Are you feeling overwhelmed?; be sure to not get to that point; but since you won’t listen, this is how to take a step back and appreciate life; this is how you screw yourself over by overreacting; this is how to not make any stupid decisions by acting in the moment; this is how to prevent pimples, this is how to get pimples; this is how to get rid of pimples; this is how to get pimple scars; this is how to get rid of pimple scars that you caused by picking at your pimples; this is how to ask your parents for money; this is how you ask your friends to borrow money; this is how you ask your friends to pay you back; this is how to survive Mother Nature’s monthly ‘gift’; this is how to dress during that time of month; this is how you endure the cramps; this is how you get past the cravings so you won’t hate yourself later when you gain 10 pounds; this is what you eat if you don’t care about gaining weight; this is what you eat when prom is coming up and you need to lose the 10 pounds; this is how to cook ramen; this is how to eat ramen raw if you are too lazy to boil water; this is how to go out and have fun with friends and live life; but my friends don’t go out except for school projects; you mean to say that you cope with your hormonal, adolescent, end-of-the world struggles by surrounding yourself with friends who can barely cope with their own?
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."