May 03rd, 2019

i have a hard time concentrating on reality i've noticed

i've definitely been getting in my head too much recently and it always sucks to know that my insecure needy self is very much a familiar part of me

it's really hard to maintain confidence when you're in a rut

also i don't understand why i'm fixated on the idea of accesibility, like i make my vulnerabilities too known and that makes me too easy for people to read and therefore there's nothing left for them to be intrigued by or take seriously

​specifically on the topic of love/dating/relationships, i feel like  me being on dating apps comes off as desperate? i think it's because i do it for attention and validation. idk why i can't shutup about the topic. i really hate that i like talking about it because its on my mind a lot, but after i feel shitty because its not necessarily on everyone else's mind and i def think it comes off as needy. to be honest, i think i was always meant to be in a lowkey we-met-as-friends-but-became-more relationship where we're both just comfortable and silly and in love and everyone supports it because its wholesome and pure and meant to be. but that hasn't happened for me yet. if it were up to me, i was never really supposed to be on apps and experiment. i mean it's good for practice and socialization but these platforms are at the end of the day kind of sad or gross; i've become desensitized and feel like my expecatations are so far gone. i'm so glad i've still never been kissed and haven't actually dated any of these dudes because then i really would be disappointed in myself. at the end of the day, i'm a total hopeless romantic so this isn't my preference and this isn't me, but i keep coming back to it because i guess i just feel a bit empty sometimes.

where is my guy tho? i really wonder if i'll ever find the one. i'm going to end up waiting forever because i never settle, but it's frustrating because idk if it's ever going to happen. i know it doesn't for some, so part of me is scared i'm one of them. everyone deserves love, but not everyone gets it.  

​man, i miss when i was ok being my independent self