June 30th, 2026

5/8/26
Robotically affirming “I am healed”

First time in a long time I didn’t need to pee immediately after drinking water

5/13/26
After therapy session where I was highly doubtful and skeptical, had an actual decent day with the whole fam while Tyle was visiting: brea mall, papa dentist, hmart, youngdong, Lord of the Flies movie night

At one point in yongdong parking lot, Tyle said something sarcastic in response to something I said
Me “I wasn’t talking to you bitch”
Tyle (laughs) “there’s the sister I know”
​
something is working (probably Zoloft but also therapy)

5/17/26
“Hold on for one more day, things will go your way”

Been combatting every single bout of panic with affirming that fear isn’t truth, that it’s all an echo of the past, that there is an end to everything, even who you think you are, all the rules you made up to judge yourself, none of it is set in stone (I remember being so convinced at YTT one afternoon that everyone hated me when it was really just my social anxiety trying to assert itself, it was not true at all, it was like the thoughtform was controlling me and I so instantly believed it)

*reminder from abraham: at every vibration, there are collective thoughtforms that you will become privy too, the higher vibe you are the more sensitive you are, the more lower vibrations and thought forms will hurt. Magnitude of pain isn’t an indicator of failure, it is an indicator of how far you have vibrationally dropped from your most aligned vibration

MIRACLE
TINP meditation, first time doing it where it felt ok
Did it 2 more times at night and for the first time I finally believe I will heal and that there is a greater purpose to all of this, that one day I will be able to help others in deep crisis heal too

FLOATERS (little things that have crossed my mind, little flickers of hope)
1. I have a suspicion that manifestations are happening quicker this year (case in point: Ant’s cruise opportunity). This means I can heal faster than ever before. I fell so quick so fast, I can rise just as intensely too
2. After each of my darkest moments, I always had a miraculous glow up (mentally, spiritually, physically), fits in with Abraham’s teachings on contrast filling our vortex
3. I’ve always said I never have any regrets (and I thought this moment in life would be one, but now I see that it could propel me so far) this experience was necessary to finally let go of the old paradigm
4. The answer was never to go back into the matrix, it was always to believe in myself and my purpose beyond all else
5. The reminder that in reading everyone else’s accounts on reddit/online, that I am not them, that I know universal law, that I am Sabrina Ashleigh “mutherfucking” Tan. I CAN DO THIS. I’m still the girl on fire 😭 I’m still her
6. Whenever I asked the universe “to show me love”, my mind always immediately went to Mama

“And in my darkest hour, I felt myself come back”

I’m still me :’) maybe this is a chance to finally let the old me go, realizing that I don’t even know the new me fully yet. I’ve always said I liked being proved wrong, to constantly expand my beliefs. And this feels like the epitome of that. For once in my life I’m willing to let go of everything I thought I was, that I thought I needed. I’m tired of being scared of myself, of letting my own fears be the thing that keeps me back over and over again. If I can stand firm in the face of fear itself, train myself to not flinch when it is present, everything will change. I’ll never be the same.

I’ve always been insecure about how much time I haven’t been “living” and just “surviving” but now I’m realizing that both external and internal experiences are valid. My suffering has allowed me to cultivate so much spiritual depth, something that I will one day be able to share infinitely. I may not have travelled the world but I’ve traversed the intricacies of my whole being and there’s still so much to explore. One day I’ll create a map for others to begin their own exploration. My value isn’t in output but in input.

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED RIGHT NOW (and if you don’t see any help outside of you, that means everything you need is already inside of you, even if you don’t fucking believe it at first, your only job is to not kill yourself before you finally see the light)

You don’t need action to heal. If you have the stomach for it, mental alchemy first, action comes from that.

Mental alchemy isn’t spiritual bypassing, it’s knowing which thoughts/emotions you no longer want to entertain and focusing on what you prefer. The pain will naturally rise to survive so you will gradually shed it as it comes.

It feels so fucking good to channel again 😭 my soul is back (ps did my crown chakra open up?)

I’m so glad I didn’t kill myself

Holy shit.

EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS WORKING OUT FOR ME
THANK YOU GOD
THANK YOU UNIVERSE

5/18/26
Didn’t experience debilitating panic this morning

Mattel reached out with a job offer (PANIC)

5/19/26
Talked to Leff (Michael) and I like him as a manager! Still worried about actually working, had to take an ambien to get through the talk.

Feel like my eye vision is back

5/21/26
Noticing my vision is oscillating. It clears up more when I feel calm

first day fully alone in my apt, did a lot of meditating and releasing emotion

Joanna randomly calls around 7pm during my meditation saying she’s in culver, we’re going for a walk
-she was wearing the black Jean jacket I gave her
-veterans
-downtown culver
We laughed (Joanna cried with laughter at one point) and talked about life, the universe, capitalism
Felt normal for a bit :’)) so cozy and I’ll remember this forever, the best time I had in a while 

5/22/26
The last 2 days I keep pulling cards telling me that a miracle is coming and that a new chapter is beginning.

PS been feeling extra fatigued the past 2 days, I wonder if this is from energy releasing, like my body is allowing itself to feel tired again

The universe keeps sending people my way

omg around 3:30 Amanda called during a meditation asking if I wanted to go for a walk
-she was wearing the leggings I gave her
-walked around culver
-drank healthy juice at Qwench
-got to be more open and vulnerable around her, feel like we got closer
-laughed a lot
-turns out it’s Memorial Day weekend (yes! More time to meditate before the work week)
-confessed to Amanda my mishap with Jashua and it felt cathartic. She was completely understanding and supportive and made me realize it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. Last thing she told me when we parted ways was “At least now you know Jashua’s not it” and I can’t argue with that anymore. Nomatter how aligned we are on a soul level, he never could overcome his human self to meet me halfway.

Trauma: things jashua said when I reached out to him in need, no empathy at all
-you’re always like this
-you never listen
-“when I told him I felt like wanting to die” so what? I’ll just read in the news that you slit your throat?
-you’re acting like Natalie and your mom

7:30 meditation: Just had a realization about Jashua. I’ve still been holding out subconsciously, protecting his reputation, thinking maybe one day he’d change enough to be the man I need him to be, and not wanting to say anything bad about him in case I’d look foolish for ending up back with him one day. But that door is officially closed.

I’ve always worked in our relationship to show him love and worked to eventually make that love unconditional. But it’s dawned on me that he never knew how to love me, he never knew how to put someone else before himself, he only showed me love when it was easy, only wanted me when I could please him, but he never could overcome himself to love me unconditionally. He came into love so carelessly. Like “I think I’ll try this on for size, see how it goes.” I think love was more of an idea to him, something he wasn’t taught, a new intimidating emotion that was too overwhelming to comprehend, something that he assumed would feel good and validate him but love ended up forcing him to face the fears that blocked it. But it’s often so much easier to be numb or angry than to feel vulnerable. Without vulnerability, his love was defensive. It felt like he didn’t trust love that he didn’t need to earn. It felt like he created all types of reasons with why my love wasn’t right. He accused me of loving him like a mother loves a child, that I was infantilizing him in some way, he hated when I said he was my best friend, lashed back as if I was friend-zoning him, because he was supposed to only be “my man”. He took offense to the dimensions of my love. And he reduced his love to lust, want to feel desired by me and didn’t even understand that my lack of desire came from his complete lack of affection. That I didn’t feel safe to submit myself to him, that I intuitively feared he wouldn’t handle me with care. He never saw that my love is so much more valuable than my desire. Desire is easy. Love is deep. I tried to tell him over and over again but he simply couldn’t comprehend. We were never using the same currency. I was dealing with gold and he was dealing with pennies. 

I don’t think he really had any genuine intentions for us. No real plans for the future, no direction of where he was headed much less where we were headed. He was just going with the flow. Passive in vision but aggressive with wanting to be taken seriously. And caught up in all the lack he felt, his love seemed to dwindle while mine grew. He seemed to resent me so much at times and other times seemed to internalize a lot of guilt for that resentment. He never knew how to work through it all, he just knew how to suppress it and it consequently built to a wall of silence I could never intercept. I get it. Sometimes it’s easier to blame someone else, that have to sit with your pain. Meanwhile, I had a lot of flaws myself but I constantly worked to become better because I realized he was mirroring myself back to me, we literally were immersed in teachings that told us this point blank. I really didn’t have a choice. Transform or die. I learned to no longer blame him and it released me. He never was shown the love I had as a kid and I know he’s had it rough. But at the end of the day, people have a choice in dealing with their trauma. They can harden and double down, or they can be willing to face themselves, face their pain and heal to feel safe again. It isn’t even about doing it for others, it’s about doing it for yourself.

In many ways I’ve given Jashua so much credit that he never cared for. Loved him in a way that he still isn’t ready to comprehend, and I don’t know if he ever will. I don’t regret loving him. I think he’s still very much worthy of unconditional love, everyone is. But I can no longer supply it. I need it desperately for myself first. Im so tired of defending him at my expense. He’s already full of defense. It’s so obvious that it’s really time to let him go, to love what he’s taught me, to still love him on a soul level from a distance, and be proud that he’s still journeying through this matrix the best he can, but to know now with certainty that we are done for this lifetime.

I’ve forgiven him endlessly but he never said he was sorry.

Came out of a meditation literally smiling and laughing during most of it.

I’M FREE OF JASHUA
I no longer have to force myself to be loving towards him anymore. It’s like his actions have given me permission to finally let go completely. And he’ll always know that he’s the one who drew that line, not me. The fact that he ended a 3.5 year relationship on such a bad note when I was most vulnerable and in need. That he still chose to show me judgement instead of love. I’m never giving him another chance to hurt me again. I’m done. Can’t believe I didn’t see how this was the best ending. He can’t pretend to be innocent anymore. And that’s his burden to bear, not mine. WHEEEE

cue: you can’t catch me now & ghost town

5/23/26
Through all of this, I’ve been realizing the universe is allowing me to make more genuine connections with friends. It’s wild how I’m actually feeling closer because I’m being so open and vulnerable and authentic.

After being honked at in the Costco parking lot by someone impatient, met the coolest black grandpa at the Costco prescription line today. There was a mixup where 2 lines had formed and we had to consolidate into one and he ended up behind me. Skinny (not frail) with a cane and newsboy hat, cardigan, button down and slacks, had a swag of his own. Raspy comforting voice and the warmest, friendliest presence, talked about how he strives to treat the fellow man like his equal, to be considerate. Made me feel like I was family haha

Whenever I meet kind, good people, I always feel like I’m on the right track

5/24/26
Been trying to confirm my next psych appt but the page won’t load, wondering if the universe is hinting to me that I will soon be off pills?

Mama talking about how Feng-shui sian-tsi said Anthony was born to lead

Me “how about me? What did he say?”
Mama “You can do anything. There’s no restriction..”

We ended up talking about life and laughing a lot, it felt cathartic :’)

Just received a postcard from Jonathan ❤️ I was wondering if I’d hear from him this weekend. All my friends really came through :’))
from postcards from spirit to postcard from Jonathan 

5/25/26
Had a really good call with Jonathan :’)) turns out he was worried I might be upset with him based off our last convo, when I was worried that he was upset with me this whole time

@ night
Feeling super hopeless but then randomly found a YT channel for insomnia that’s like the channel for CFS I found before. Breaks it down to a science and has success testimonials of people who’ve healed. It immediately made me feel at peace knowing that I didn’t need a miracle to heal from this.

Also been noticing my mind is slowly coming back to me

5/26/26
New Ikea opened up in culver at helms

Buying a new MacBook soon

First night I’m not even going to try to sleep (I ended up taking a melatonin, then a Trazadone since I felt so tired but couldn’t sleep)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OP37ZOXnTos&list=PL6RQ1GS7B1cik8Xr8iVdxmKB9FYieevYj

“The teaching has to adapt to the student, not the other way around” -Daniel Erichsen

5/27/26
Feeling less panic this morning, will see how it goes

Did have discomfort and panic throughout the day but felt more normal at night than I have in a long time

PS been noticing that I don’t have to pee as urgently anymore

It rained tonight ❤️

5/28/26
Found a Panda Express fortune on the outer edge of bathtub in Rowland

“The Fortune you seek is already within you”

It’s funny because I’d already begun to resign to the idea that there are no answers outside of me anymore. That all the work needs to be done within through meditation.

Grateful to still be getting signs from the universe.

Had an appointment with Dr. Michael and he actually clapped and said yay a bunch of times because he could see how much lighter I am right now. So happy to see my docs happy

5/29/26
Leff finally emailed me this morning and I had full blown panic, need to take Valium

Despite my body being freaked out, I’ve had so many signs affirming that this is the path, I’m going to take the job

He sent the offer, I’d be starting on 6/8 just like Tyle and Joanna, more time for meditating! Based on Tyle’s urging, I negotiated to $45/hr from $40 omg

@night
Just had the most peaceful two TINP meditations back to back :’)

Had a creative burst of inspo to create “Anthony takes Miami” meme

Feeling more normal than I have in a long time, but still cautious and feeling a bit spacey and ungrounded

Been seeing 444 a lot and sometimes 222

PS mamas been obsessed with the beegees it’s so cute

5/30/26
I cried for the first time in months today talking to Mama

Channeled: radical acceptance (obvious but I haven’t been applying it well)

Found a St. Michael prayer card when Mama and I visited church

This vid helped me get back to basics: https://youtu.be/OUlbfLrmlo8?si=EYHw6KLORbJE_Ls7

5/31/26
Blue moon in Sag https://www.thecut.com/article/blue-moon-sagittarius-may-2026-meaning-predictions.html

“Once in a blue moon”

My eyesight is so much clearer after a TINP meditation, I can see again 😭

I’m so tired of being afraid

Cried on the phone to Joanna for a good 30-45 min, can’t believe it 

Had a meltdown with Mama, tears and anger and keeping both of us up super late, a really bad night

6/1/26
Called Kady to vent, cried so much again

TINP after where I surprisingly calmed down a bit despite feeling so hopeless

Been seeing dead spiders at home

“That’s the way it is” Celine Dion playing in the car

Was miserable and hopeless and getting food with Mama at Shang Hai Yao Fat when I had the sudden thought to reach out to Suzzy for a reading and she actually replied and gave me so much clarity 😭❤️

6/2/26
Tyle visiting again, spent the whole day hanging with the fam, such an improvement from two weeks ago

Felt exhausted but did a TINP at night and felt that exhaustion lift, just like with CFS

6/3/26
Less exhausted today

Cried during therapy doing ART over Jashua, realized I still need to let go of “knowing it all” and learn how to trust the process, that things will work without my control

Finally set up my new MacBook, downloaded all the same info into a different body, I’m not missing the significance of that

Had a really bad fight with Mama over Roth IRA and cried so much after from guilt and shame and pain

Also cried and bawled to Ant who was such a good listener

6/4/26
Woke up and my eyesight is so much clearer (it’s oscillates a lot lately)

Did another TINP (2nd of the day) where my fatigue significantly shifted during the meditation. The work is working.

Found the cards from Mama to Papa (realized she was just a girl in love), an Papa’s childhood photos in his drawer

6/5/26
Had a feeling I might write a book about Mama and I

I told Mama our relationship is unconventional. She said everyone’s is but what makes us different is “we both never give up on each other”

Tyle had told Mama for the first time today that he wants her to live another 33 years

We showed Papa his childhood photos, his initial reaction was such a big smile, wasn’t able to record it 🥲

Auntie Evelyn & Benson visited, she said that Papa and her were close, that she didn’t get accepted into college and Papa talked to a friend to get her in, also used to take her to watch movies. Auntie Evelyn said I chose a good place.