I am constantly anxious to maintain my creative identity - my overall one as well.
I feel this incessant need to create the artsy content that I used to, but it feels so forced lately. I'm wondering if this is because I've spent so many years predicating my confidence on my work. Whenever I felt insecure amongst others, it would make me feel ok - special even - to know that I could create things that no one else could - that I had my own lane separate from the rest, a kind of safe place I guess.
I feel so stuck.
I haven't made anything uniquely my own in a while.
I'm attached to a variety of really interesting projects, but I find myself worrying that they aren't pushing my personal creative boundaries. It's almost as if I'm assuming that if I don't exercise the experimental artist in me, it'll disappear - and part of my identity will go with it.
It feels like I'm never doing enough.
I'm realizing this may be tied to my ego as much as it is tied to insecurity.
I do want Sabrina Ashleigh Tan to be a name people look out for.
Would be great to earn a built-in audience one day.
But I have such a long way to go. It is sobering and scary to know that there are so many people who want the same thing and are further along than me.
I'm just impatient and stubborn.
And I guess it feels like I'm playing supporting roles atm.
I'm really trying to snap out of this mindset, because it's not accurate. All the projects I'm working on are very different for me, and I am growing in so many areas.
I want to be mature about the way I see things.
I know I'm lucky that I even have projects I'm attached to. The reality is that everyone I'm working with has taken a risk in believing in me - especially since I am taking on producer roles with essentially no prior experience. That's so insane.
I'm learning that I may not really know what's best for me.
And that's completely ok.
Right now, I think I should shift my focus as an artist from my fixation on a personal aesthetic to a healthier concentration on what my work says. I am remembering now that I always felt my work looked pretty but was lacking substance. It's funny I seem to be complaining about the exact opposite. I need to a wakeup call like this every now and then to realize that I am ok. The things I'm doing now have larger implications than just serving as portfolio pieces.
I'm still going to have to work hard to push past all my circling thoughts, but I'm glad I got to write this all down and let it out. Feels more real this way.
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."