AND I THINK IT'S GONNA BE A LONG LONG TIME

[TRIGGER WARNING]
​
i don't think i'll make it through the night
my heart is defeated
my mind rendered dumb
my pain selfish
i think it's been pretty obvious i've wanted to disappear for some time
i've lost all sense of being, living
it doesn't feel repairable
everyone has tried
it's not your fault
i've just become numb to the help
to all the encouragement and motivation
to all the i love you's
to all the it'll get better's
because i can't find it in myself
i can't feel it in myself
i can't help myself
i hate myself

the world is just black
it's technicolor for most
but it's dark for me
i know you won't understand
i know you'll think i was being incredibly stupid
i know you'll think that this was such a waste
of all the potential that could've been
but trust me for once
i wasn't going anywhere
i'm better off now than i was before
i can finally breath

i love you all so fucking much
i just hated myself more
it sounds irrational, insane, unwarranted
but that's how i feel
so completely overwhelmed
anxiety has taken over
i cannot keep up
i will not be able to keep up
i will keep falling
i can't take this anymore
i'm not worth it
i feel like a waste of space
that if i keep going like this, you all would lose your minds
i've already lost mine

please take care of yourselves
don't make my mistakes become your own
i love you all so incredibly much
i hope you feel it, my love
​even if i couldn't myself